Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Ray Rice and the Monolith

Ray Rice deserved this suspension in February. He got it Monday.

TMZ's release of the Ray Rice footage had one crucial consequence: it turned a hypothetical into a definite. As many have pointed out, what was on the video didn't reveal anything we didn't already know. Janay Palmer entered the elevator conscious and was unceremoniously dragged out of it unconscious. Rice entered the elevator conscious and left it remorselessly shuttling his limp fiancee's body out. She switched from active to passive voice; He did not.


There really aren’t any extenuating circumstances to that story, there can't be. Ray Rice has been paid millions of dollars to take abuse from men nearly twice his size, to use his muscular and explosive body to elude them, even to dish out punishment to those giants and to do it well. Whether his fiancee provoked him or not, Rice’s reaction was unconscionable and sickening. He beat the ever-living shit out of her, and we knew this in February. (I could do without the pandering a man should never hit a woman angle. Maybe just don't assault people in general.) The tape was nothing but visceral confirmation and now Rice is out of a job, probably for a long time.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Ranking the Hours of the Day

24. 5 a.m. If you're up this late or this early you're going to be miserable.
23. 6 a.m. Same as 5 a.m. but a little more plausible.
22. 7 a.m. Waking up between 7:00-7:59 is pretty standard, but that's not a fun hour. The highlight is probably brushing your teeth.
21. 11 a.m. Damn man I be getting so hungry before lunch.
20. 8 a.m. You're most likely commuting this hour, not that much fun!
19. 3 p.m. Fuck, I've been here six hours and am so tired and not even close to done.
18. 4 a.m. One of the least utilized hours, most likely you're sleeping but if you're not it sucks.
17. 3 a.m. This is the hour of awful college kids have deep meaningful conversations in the dorm lounges.
16. 12 p.m. It's just starting to get hot, sports haven't started yet, and if you're doing it right you are starving and waiting another whole fucking hour for lunch.
15. 2 a.m. You're either in that solid REM sleep or not quite sure why you've been watching shitty TV for the past 4 hours and mad at how tired you're going to be tomorrow.
14. 10 a.m. Actual working has commenced, you've got hours to go before you lunch, and the good articles haven't come on the internets yet.
13. 9 a.m. An overall decent hour. You're probably enjoying that nice snooze on the weekend and during the week you're getting into work which means time to hit up gchat and not work for at least your first hour.
12. 6 p.m. Huge inconsistency with 6 p.m. Could mean you're working out or starting happy hour or it could mean you're realizing how late you're going to be stuck at work and cancelling your plans.
11. 4 p.m. Afternoon sports are ending which is nice, but in the winter you're saying goodbye to the sun and getting all sad.
10. 2 p.m. You're up, you've got energy, there's still some sun. Not too shabby.
9. 1 a.m. Pretty late, you're probably sleepy, but some cool stuff could be going down to keep you up this late.
8. 11 p.m. The hour of Seinfeld reruns. Not a bad hour. Solidly above average with decent upside potential.
7. 8 p.m. The dinner hour is pretty solid, but you're probably going to have to do dishes too. Minus points for not having good TV yet.
6. 12 a.m. You're finally getting into that good good sleep, hit that REM cycle like whoa.
5. 5 p.m. Hopefully you're getting off work and free. Minus points for it being an hour for commuting.
4. 7 p.m. Sports and jeopardy start this hour. Pretty solid hour imo.
3. 1 p.m. The lunching hour means you don't have to work. Bonus points for it being the starting time for afternoon sports.
2. 9 p.m. Good TV on, night events starting, drinking likely beginning on the weekend.
1. 10 p.m. Still got energy, good shit is on TV, sports games are ending, good stuff all around.

NFL and Roger Goodell: Idiots who are Full of Shit


The video of Ray Rice knocking out his fiancee in an elevator, something we already knew happened, was released a few days ago. The NFL and the Baltimore Ravens came down hard on Ray Rice. There's a lot of talk out there about how there must have been a cover-up and how the NFL must have seen the tape before. This piece by Deadspin's Drew Magary makes a pretty strong hypothetical case for why the NFL must have seen the tape before a couple of days ago. Drew's last bullet point, however, is causing me the most confusion: we didn't need the tape to know what happened.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Baseball's Dumbest Rule

Just a friendly reminder that starting tomorrow, September 1, baseball rosters will expand from 25 to 40 players. Why would the rules about how many people you can have change for the last 20% of the season? It's unclear. In theory, the fact that minor league seasons typically end around September gives teams an opportunity to keep their best minor leaguers fresh until the big league season ends. That's cute and all and some shitty teams certainly take advantage of the opportunity to see what guys can do. Mike Trout certainly benefited from a month of at bats in 2011 before he became Mike Trout in 2012.

However, you don't just fucking change the rules for the last month when playoff spots are being finalized. Smart teams will use the additional 15 players (that's almost an entire other team!!!!!) to get tons of little advantages. Teams can bring up the all glove double A player and use him only in the field without worrying about running out of players. Speedy pinch runners can steal a crucial base winning just one more game for their team. Imagine if football teams could use 80 players on gamedays in December instead of 46. You'd never risk a player like Rob Gronkowski getting hurt on an extra point, you'd use the 7th string tight end. Don't worry though, this rule goes away in the playoffs, where the you know normal fucking 25 players are required. Also, weirdly, players who start with a team after September 1 cannot play on the postseason roster. So these callups will only screw up things in the playoffs before they are ineligible for the playoffs and the rosters go back to 25.

This is baseball's dumbest rule and now that old-man farter Bud Selig is going, new commissioner Rob Manfred (jesus that's a fake sounding awful name) needs to fix the roster size.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Rules for ReTWOling



Two years ago, the Red Sox were among the worst teams in baseball. They traded away all their awful contracts in August of that year. Then they were the best team in baseball. And now, after all the injuries and disappointments that could have happened this year are now happening (along with the loss of Jacoby Ellsbury), the Red Sox are back to being bad and trading everybody. They're looking to next year again, for the second time in three years.*

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The Yankees, Stephen Drew, and Shortstopping in Jeter's America



In the Red Sox trade deadline bonanza that ultimately saw four of last year's World Series-winning starters get traded (all in at least arguably good deals, especially Lackey), a lesser trade occurred, the first between the Yankees and Red Sox since 1997. The struggling Stephen Drew was dealt for the declining yet cheap Kelly Johnson. Stephen Oris Drew, he of .176/.255/.328 slash line in 39 games this year with the Red Sox, was headed to New York. With the Yankees' recent acquisitions of Chase Headley to play third and the suddenly overpaid Martin Prado to play whatever position they needed (including 2nd base), it seemed as though Stephen Drew would fit nicely on the Yankees' bench. However, what the Yankees are actually doing with Stephen Drew is pretty crazy when you think about it for more than two seconds: he's their everyday second baseman.

To clarify, this is not crazy because Stephen Drew is having a terrible year at the plate and should not be an everyday player. Drew missed spring training and the beginning of the season while waiting for a contract offer, and his struggles against players in midseason form aren't overly surprising. He's likely to bounce back, and has always been a productive player at the plate, and also in the field.

And that second part is what makes the Yankees' new arrangement crazy. Stephen Drew has never played another position besides shortstop in his Major League career. Another player on the Yankees can also make that claim, and he happens to be in his retirement tour with the Yankees struggling to stay in the playoff race. That other guy, #2, also happens to be one of the worst defensive shortstops in baseball.

Friday, August 1, 2014

A Very Meaningful and Correct List of Seinfeld Characters



A few of weeks ago, Rolling Stone came out with a list of the 100 greatest characters in Seinfeld history. Seinfeld is probably my favorite show ever (either that or Chappelle's Show basically), and I have to say, the list was downright turrible. Characters left off, the order was all effed up, and very weak reasons for placing characters where they were. Also, in going through a straight list of 100 characters, it's tough to figure out if someone is really 94th or 86th. I'm here to make things right.

Here is my list of the greatest Seinfeld characters ever. It will be broken up, however, in a meaningful way: by number of appearances. Comparing the Soup Nazi to Newman to Elaine is a very difficult task. Is this like WAR, where just the sheer number of games played counts? Or is it like OPS+, where the effectiveness per game is the real determining factor? Is it somewhere in between? I'm going to avoid those issues by grouping characters by number of appearances. Within their groups, they're going to be based essentially on how funny they are, and how classic they are. Here we go. The real list.

Ruthie Cohen

1. Ruthie Cohen: The cashier at Monk's gets her own category. She has lines in, I believe, 1 episode, but is seen in 101 total episodes. She doesn't fit into the category of characters with tons of appearances, but is worth noting just sort of for appearing in so many. Way to go, Ruthie.

Unseen and/or Imaginary Characters (including pseudonyms)