Friday, June 29, 2012

The "Five-Year Grace Period"

Let's harken back to February 2002, when the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl over the St. Louis Rams. This was the first championship for Boston since 1986, a 16-year drought, but certainly not bad considering many other cities' b'dicaments. From February 2002 to June 2008, Boston got six championships (note to our readers: I don't count the Bruins 2011 Stanley Cup because it's hockey, sorry) in little over six years. Three teams won championships, the Red Sox became a "Nation," and the Patriots totally didn't cheat by stealing other team's signals during their championship runs. Bill Simmons became the unofficial voice of Boston sports.

Simmons coined the term "five year grace period" to signify that his team could do whatever the fuck they wanted for five years after winning because a championship was that sweet. This makes sense and most fans follow this rule, or an approximation of it. Not Boston fans anymore. Boston fans are now as obnoxious as New York fans. Their unprecedented success led to spoiled fans who demand championships, yet hold fast to the idea that Boston is an underdog and has lovable teams. (This obviously doesn't apply to all fans; there are reasonable Boston fans just like there are die hard Heat fans). Let's recap: the Celtics formed a slightly older version of the Heat's big three, the Patriots lost a first round pick due to cheating, and the Red Sox have a payroll of $146 million. This didn't stop Bill Simmons from spewing out of touch, whiny shit about his beloved Celtics in his Draft Diary this morning.

The Celtics made Game 7 of the Eastern Conference finals before bowing out to the Heat. They played poorly for most of the first half before turning it around in the second half. Either way, this was clearly a flawed team that needed six games to beat the Hawks, despite them losing Josh Smith and Al Horford for parts of the series, and seven games to beat the Sixers. The Celtics got incredibly lucky when Dwight Howard and Derrick Rose both went down for the rest of the season. The Celtics outperformed their expectations, survived a brutal 66-game schedule for their old legs, and almost beat a championship team. It was a great season for the Celtics. The Celtics had a three-year window with their old stars, which resulted in one championship and one Finals appearance. To make the Conference finals in year five was a blessing: a blessing of playing in the East and having two of the top six players in the world bow out due to injury.

Let's also reiterate that the Celtics won in 2008. This was a mere four years ago and they certainly will be in contention next season. Yet, Simmons felt that this draft was a do or die situation. The Celtics had the #21 and #22 picks, shitty picks because they had a good record. Here are the #21 and #22 draft picks of the past ten years. #21: (newest to oldest) Nolan Smith, Craig Brackins, Darren Collison, Ryan Anderson, Daequan Cook, Rajon Rondo, Nate Robinson, Pavel Podkolzin, Boris Diaw, and Qyntel Woods. #22: Kenneth Faried, Elliot Williams, Victor Claver, Courtney Lee, Jared Dudley, Marcus Williams, Jarrett Jack, Viktor Khryapa, Zoran Planinic, and Casey Jacobsen. Sure, you might uncover a gem like Faried or Rondo, but chances are you aren't getting an NBA player. That's a shit ton of context (don't worry, if you've read the Sports Guy before, this will feel like a breeze) for Simmons' Draft Diary, so let's jump into a few of his choice comments.

Bilas follows through with Wednesday's B.S. Report promise and mentions Henson's "Freddie Krueger-like" wingspan, then says, "That was for Bill Simmons." I feel like we just broke the fourth wall. This is weird.

Solid humble brag to get us started.

9:05 — Houston takes Royce White.
9:05 — Stomach punch. That was my guy.
9:05 — Still keeled over.
9:06 — Muttering things to myself like "We won in 2008," "He IS afraid to fly" and "It could be worse, I could be a Cleveland fan." Not totally working.
This level of care isn't being a good fan. It's whiny, it takes a cheap shot at Cleveland, and it isn't even funny. It's just a solid five lines of complaining because you didn't get a player who went five spots before your turn. We all know this guy from fantasy drafts and hate him.
It gets worse.
9:09 — Best players remaining: Perry Jones, Tyler Zeller, Jared Sullinger, Andrew Nicholson, Terrence Jones. The Celtics are four picks away. Brutal. If we can get Jones and Sullinger, I won't sulk for the entire weekend. Anything else? Sulking.
Really!!!! Not getting Jared fucking Sullinger and Terrence Jones would make you sulk for the entire weekend? The Celtics won four years ago and have been good the entire time since. No one feels bad for you, stop fucking whining.
9:29 — The Celtics are on the clock. We're in Sullinger Range. As I detailed in Wednesday's mock draft, I'm totally fine with it. Totally.
"What are you thinking?" Jacoby asks. "Sullinger?"
"He's the best scoring forward in the draft," I said. "Besides, can you really go wrong with a guy named Sully in Boston?
Thankfully, the Sports Guy mansion will be sulk free this weekend.
This is a lazy joke. Simmons at this point either finishes his column at 6PM or half-asses his jokes to finish in the morning. 
Isn't this destiny? A top-seven lottery pick falls to Boston at no. 21, his name is Sully, he can play that Big Baby role and score on the block against anyone...
This is why people hate Boston fans.
After the Celtics stop drafting, his attention wanes and Simmons starts in with a little racism. He makes fun of Perry Jones' cousin for having the tagline: "My s***'s straight like 9:15, nahmean?" Nothing better than a forty something rich white guy making fun of young black people for how they speak. Stay classy Simmons.
Mercifully, Simmons wraps up his diary, but not before we truly get to gauge his feelings on the Celtics draft.
Because I'm a full-fledged homersexual, by mid-July, you can count on me talking myself into tonight's Celtics draft and convincing myself that we dodged a bullet by not getting Royce White. But tonight? I'm bummed. I can't lie.
Boo fucking who. 


  1. The Bruins didn't win a championship from 2002 to 2008.

  2. Also, if you're still reading Bill Simmons, you're askin' for it.