Tuesday, June 12, 2012

NBA Finals by the Numbers

The Whole 42 Minutes brings you an in-depth look inside the numbers for the Thunder-Heat series.

10 awkward interviews with Doris Burke where you ask if you can change off the HD channel.

2 cliched, sappy features with players' random family members involved during halftime. Seriously TNT just put Ernie, Kenny, and Charles on at halftime. I promise I'll change the channel.

15 lame beard jokes and puns by Van Gundy, Breen, Jon Barry, et al.

1 slap in the mouth for whoever talks about these teams both having weather related names.

3 new head wrinkles on Heat small forward and resident intellectual Shane Battier.

2 mean mugging, scowling, fake tough guys. Udonis "the stupidest face in the NBA" Haslem and Kendrick "the crier" Perkins.

0 lenses in glasses.

1 strapped backpack.

9000000 mentions that this was a lockout-shortened season so it doesn't count for as much if the Heat win.

0 mentions that this was a lockout-shortened season so it doesn't count for as much if the Thunder win.

5 times Van Gundy jizzes about the hustle and effort of Nick Collison. 2 times it would get said if Collison weren't white.

3 big shots in the fourth quarter by Mario Chalmers as he continues growing his balls to Cassell size.

2 sad cross promotions with ABC shows. Oh look it's the cast of Grey's Anatomy!

3 random fucking celebrities who come out of the woodwork and claim OKC roots now that the Thunder are good. I'm looking at you Garth Brooks.

1 in game interview with David Stern where he addresses an issue and ends up doing nothing about it. Bonus points if he refers to Ibaka as "that African."

10,000 Oklahomans who look like Mike Miller. Get it? Because they both are white trash.

0 commercials for that awful show with Hyde from That 70's Show since the games are on ABC and not TNT Jesus Christ thank God.

1 important play by Derek Fisher. 10 minutes of discussion of his leadership, veteran savvy, and locker room presence.

$3,000,000 in suggested fines for flopping from Commissioner Van Gundy.

20 attempted and failed segues by Mike Breen after Van Gundy screams about flopping. You aren't Marv Albert, Breen, and you never will be!

1 custom made extra thick Nike headband for Lebron to cover up his receding hairline.

1 ring for Juwan Howard. Suck it CWebb and Jalen.

6 games for the Heat to win their first of many championships.

(not 5, not 6, not 7) 8 championships before Lebron's welcome party prediction comes true.

1 comment:

  1. 1 awkward comparison of LeBron vs. Durant to Magic vs. Bird. Only one comparison because they won't be able to figure out who's who because neither LeBron or Durant is white.