Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sooooooooooooooo Gooooooodddddd

Jair Jurrjens had a ERA of 5.18 in Triple A over his last ten starts. Prior to that, he posted an ERA of 9.37 in four starts for the big club. Suffice to say, my prediction that this 2011 All-Star would have a terrible year was right. But then, by the glory of god, he balled the fuck out on the Red Sox. The Red Sox got three hits and one run in 7 2/3rd innings. They have scored the second most runs in the major leagues this season, yet Jair "Sooooo Goooodddd" Jurrjens shut them down.

Red Sox "Nation": it's time to take off your pink hats and think about what just happened. Jair Jurrjens was the answer last night. He was the answer to who can shut down your team and keep you tied for last place in the AL East. Your ace by default Jon Lester gave up ten hits and seemed incredibly hittable. The best possible explanation is that he's tipping his pitches because he looked fucking Randy Wolfian. Your first baseman, the proud owner of a $160 million contract, is being outslugged by Michael Bourn by fifty fucking points. Michael Bourn has 19 career home runs. David Ortiz didn't like a called strike so much that he roid raged for the whole next inning in the dugout. After the game Bobby Valentine did his thing where he makes that stupid fucking smirk. The smirk is trying to say "I've got everything under control, don't worry." What it really says is "You think ESPN will rehire me after I get fired in September?" Red Sox fans: this is your life. You pushed out a great manager amid rumors of pill use and bought so many aging free agents that you remind me of the 2002-2008 Yankees. Congratufuckinglations on not making the playoffs the past two years and probably missing out this year again. Good job good effort.

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