Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Ask Zbo--Take Three

It's week three of your favorite bloggers answering the very questions that you asked! Let's have a read and see what answers I came up with to your zany questions this week fellas.

Who is your go-to celebrity crush? Like if you have to pick 1 celebrity you're in love with just offhand, who would it be? And why?

Don't fret Shosh, we'll meet soon

If you asked me twelve months ago, I’d have said Natalie Portman. Then she had a baby and married a ballerina. My new crush is Zosia Mamet, aka Shoshana from Girls. I’m going to go ahead and assume she’s just like her character on the show. I’m picking her because of her heritage (she’s rich), her looks, and the fact that she lives in New York. This is a choice made mostly because of convenience and the fact that I could potentially do this if I ran into her.

If I had to pick one girl who I’d never have a real chance with in a million years the obvious answer is Kate Upton.

If given a year to adequately train and practice, could you play an adequate left field in the majors?

Let me frame this question by saying that I’m a relatively in shape, fast, former high school baseball outfielder with a decently strong arm for a 22 year old. Assume that during this year I cut out red meat, shit maybe even go gluten free, get stronger, throw every day, and get training from professionals about how to read the ball off the bat, etc. I’m going to go ahead and say yes, I could become an adequate fielder. If Manny Ramirez can run out there every day then I certainly can. As for hitting, I’d probably strike out 95% of the time and try and bunt every single time I went up to hit. Although, some may recall that I captained two winning IM championship softball teams at Brandeis, so I could potentially be the next Brett Gardner.

Which team has the best fanbase in American sports?

The answer is probably some random team in the Midwest or the South. There are probably more Yankees fans than anything else because humans are front-runners. But the best fanbase, defined to me as the most passionate and following their team with the most feverity, has to be somewhere where there is nothing to do. Good weather, the beach, a local economy, and a nightlife all give people alternatives to following a team. However, if you are a fan of the OKC Thunder or the Auburn Tigers you have nothing else to do. It’s goddamn pathetic. If you lived in Alabama, you’d probably go ape shit about the 12 Auburn games also. The other 353 days of the year the fans spend getting fat and being depressed. So yeah, the answer is any good SEC football team.

Compare both the overall movies and individual acting of MJ (Space Jam) and Jesus (He Got Game)?

Michael Jordan is the best basketball player of all time, so using the transitive property, he’s also the best actor of all time. Unfortunately, his co-stars -- Larry Johnson, fat scrub, Muggsy Bogues, midget scrub, Shawn Bradley, extremely tall scrub, Patrick Ewing, sweaty scrub, and Charles Barkley, sainted scrub -- really let him down. Ray Allen shared the screen with Denzel Washington and was directed by Spike Lee. Also Brooklyn trumps Moron Mountain. He Got Game is the better movie even if Space Jam features the best actor of all-time.

Top 10 athlete acting performances

1. Michael Jordan—Space Jam (see above)
2.  Brett Favre—Something About Mary.  His “I’m in town to play the Dolphins dumbass” line is an all-time great and the only redeeming moment of that particular film.
3. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar—Airplane
4. Ray Allen—He Got Game
5. Nick Swisher—How I Met Your Mother
6. Gary Payton—Eddie
7. Shaq—Kazaam
8. Michael Irvin—The Longest Yard
9. Peyton Manning—Commercials/SNL
132322. Chad Ocho Cinco—The League

      Would you rather be a member of your favorite sports team or a member of the Wu Tang Clan?

Would I get to be one of the guys who never raps? Or one of the most important Tangers? If I could be at a Redman or up level it would make it a very hard decision. Ultimately, my rap skills peaked in the 11th grade and my Braves are going to need a left fielder once Chipper Jones retires and Martin Prado plays third next year.

Would you prefer your favorite team's biggest rival to be really bad, so you could laugh at their misfortune, or really good, so that your preferred team could potentially beat them in heartbreaking fashion?

Assuming that my team was slightly better, I’d have to go with my biggest rival being good enough to crush their soul. The Packers have just dominated the Vikings in their post-Favre years and it’s just sort of sad. Beating a team by 28 points is just kind of sad for their fans and I’m a kind hearted soul. I’d much rather Jay Cutler get his MCL sprained and the Bears third-string quarterback throw a touchdown pass to B.J. Raji to clinch the NFC Championship for the Packers.

Who are your top 3 players (of each sport) that could be good at another sport; what would they play?

For football, it would be a defensive end or tight end. They are big, fast, and quick enough to succeed in other sports.
In baseball, it would probably be a shortstop or centerfielder. Carl Crawford legendarily was going to be the option QB at Nebraska or the point guard at UCLA before picking baseball.

Basketball is where it gets really interesting. Lebron is the top choice, Dwight Howard is number two, and Russell Westbrook is number three. 

Lebron James is the best athlete in the world. There is no one close to his combination of speed, agility, and strength. He could become now, at age 27, a world class volleyball player, an NFL tight end, a soccer striker used purely to score on headers, and probably do the high jump or triple jump with the right training. If I were a dicator of the US, I’d absolutely make him play every sport in the Olympics for the US just for my personal amusement. Mwhahaha.

If you could be any person who has been called a variation of "caesar" (specifically, Caesar, Czar, or Kaiser), which would you choose?

This is the only salad related question we’ve ever gotten, but fine, I’ll answer it. Keyser Soze is a BAMF (I know it’s not the exact spelling but close enough). Czar makes me sound like I’d have a moustache twisted upwards which I really like. Caesar makes me sound like a lazy ass worker who spends 12 weeks on vacation and works 5 hour days before retiring at age 52 (too soon?). This is a tough one, but Czar is the choice.

We've seen a lot of complementary players get signed to big deals this offseason in the NBA (think Omer Asik, Jeff Green, Kris Humphries, and Gerald Wallace). It used to be shoot-first scoters like Ben Gordon getting these deals but now it's role players who do one or two things well, which presumably help a team more. Obviously none of these guys are big enough draws to sell tickets, though winning sells, but do you think they're being overrated and overpaid - a la Gordon, Tim Thomas - or that these teams are making shrewd deals?

The notion that players who are semi-stars (Luol Deng, Andre Iguodala, and Joe Johnson are good examples) can sell seats has never been true. People don’t want to see them, and GMs seemed to figure this out finally. Here’s the thing about role players that people don’t necessarily understand: role players can typically do one thing really well but are average or below average in many other aspects of their games. They typically can’t get their own shots and thus are reliant on others, an iffy predicament if you tie up too much of your cap space in guys with this issue. Additionally, their skills are typically found by many other players. There are probably 30 Steve Novaks dominating across the world. Guys with high motors also seem to have less consistency season by season than other players. A player like Trevor Ariza might seem to be blossoming as James Posey type, but then three years later he might get cut.

So in short, since Jon asked this question, they were probably undervalued to begin with but are now getting overpaid, especially for teams that aren’t contenders.

What reality show would you most like to be a contestant on?

I’d like to be the Bachelor. Basically, you are given 25 women who are batshit crazy and supposed to marry one of them before quickly divorcing their wife post-show and selling the story to US Weekly. ABC also isn’t going to show too much, but you know these women are throwing themselves at the Bachelor when the cameras go away. Also, it’s seen as a classier show than something on MTV or VH1. The opportunity to open your soul up in front of a camera, knowing that the best parts will be cherry picked by the producers, is perfect for finding women for the rest of your life. Ex-Bachelors have it made, they can make bank on telling tabloids of their sob stories, and if they play their cards right they can have single women (that's who watches this crap) across the country fall in love with them.

If you could add any one sport to the Olympics, what would it be?

It’s a national tragedy, that the US, the most important country in the world, can’t have our national past time in the Olympics. Baseball is as American as apple pie. If our power isn’t enough, there are some other worse countries that also play baseball. This is clearly the work of Leftist Europeans who are plotting to destroy the US with their universal health care. I can’t wait to see Lebron dunk on the Gasol brothers' heads over and over and over again. The Olympics is the best chance to be patriotic to the point where it gets awkward for everyone how loud you are screaming at other countries. I can’t wait. USA! USA! USA!


  1. Okay fine according to XXL News, Redman called himself an "official" member of the Wu-Tang Clan, but he is certainly known by most as the "unofficial 11th member" of Wu-Tang. Better examples would have been Rza, Gza, Method Man, perhaps Ghostface Killah.