Monday, July 16, 2012

Everybody Needs to Shut The Fuck Up About Bacon

I know I'm not the first person to be confused and annoyed by this bacon phenomenon that's been going on over the past few years on the Internet and in many sectors of polite society. But I just came across this story from April about Jeff Francoeur giving fans money to buy pizza after they gave him some bacon. The fans were celebrating a "Bacon Tuesday," which apparently just meant eating a shit ton of bacon. So this bacon thing is officially a sports story, meaning I can go HAM on it (pun intended) on this blog.

Last night at the laundromat, this girl was with two guys talking about how great bacon is. It was sooooooooooo annoying. YEAH CUZ BACON IS FUCKING AMAZINGGGGG!!!!!! HELLOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Goddammit. Then I saw that bacon Francoeur article and that really put me over the top.

Sure, bacon is great. But like...a lot of things are great. This bacon thing exists because a) bacon is a great food and b) it's sort of humorous to be obsessed with a random food item. Oh yes I define bacon as one of life's absolute pleasures, as one of the highest points of human existence, aren't I just the HUMOROUSEST?! I'M QUIRKY AND CHARMING BECAUSE OF MY BACON LOVE! I'M HAVING A BACONGASM! NOTICE MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Loving bacon can be funny. Jim Gaffigan, who is a surprisingly hilarious comedian, has a very long bit about loving bacon, and it's very, very funny (my favorite part: Sincerely, Water Chestnut III). Randomly being obsessed with a normal food item is a decently humorous premise on which to make jokes. But just being obsessed with bacon isn't inherently funny. It's inherently weird and annoying. It's sort of like making fun of old people. Sure, you can make plenty of good jokes about someone being old, like making fun of how old people hate change and are resistant to any new trends. Old people calling yoga "yogurt" is hilarious. But just saying "YOU'RE OLD!" over and over again is stupid and the worst. But somehow, it's become acceptable to just say "MMM SWEET DELICIOUS TASTY BACON GOODNESS" over and over, and that counts as quirky and comical.

And to those people who are like 'No no, I am obsessed with bacon genuinely, not because I'm trying to be funny,' that's a load of bull honky. Bacon is great. No one denies this. No one denies the greatness of pizza or ice cream or chocolate covered pretzels either. Bacon is also versatile, which is a good feature. Is its versatility enough to elevate it to a genuine obsession? If it is, then you need to re-evaluate. Bacon is a very good food, but I implore you: Stop it. It's played it. It's been played out. It's been BEEN played out. So shut the fuck up about it. Enjoy it in normal bacon-enjoying situations and keep it to your goddamn self.

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