Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Funmail/Ask Z-Bo/Whatever Take 2



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Hi, fans and readers of The Whole 42 Minutes! We still haven't decided what to call this mailbag, but hopefully it will continue to be a weekly feature. Sean is on duty next week (heh, duty). Send your questions to us on Facebook, in the comments, through email or by carrier pigeon. 

On to your questions:

If you had to play in one of the major sports leagues with your current athletic ability, which would you choose?

Regrettably, I had to give up my dreams of professional athletics at a relatively young age. I was never much of a dreamer occupation-wise (other than my continued fantasies of being a rock star), and while I dominated the soccer field at the age of 12, by the time I reached eighth grade I was past my peak. So there's obviously no question of me having any chance to contribute in any way. If we're operating on the assumption that I'd never make it onto the court/field, I'd go with Major League Baseball because it has the highest minimum salary of the four leagues, at 480k. Maybe I learn to chew tobacco or develop awesome handshakes with all my teammates. There's a lot of down-time so I'd make sure that I was up on my prank game as well. I would definitely always tell people that I'm working on my knuckle ball.

If I were to actually play that sport, I'm a huge baby so would go with the sport that offers the least opportunity for injury. This would probably also be baseball, but I can actually punt a ball pretty far (obviously not as well as a real punter, but you know a little practice could go a long way. Or not.). So other than maybe being the worst 2nd basemen in history, a title which Rickie Weeks has set his sights on this year, I'd be a punter. Lame choices, I know.

What amount of money would you have to receive in order to consume 8 ounces of George W. Bush's diarrhea through a curly whacky straw?

Let's get a few things out of the way. I don't care whose poop it is, especially since I imagine all diarrhea tastes pretty much the same. Since Pres. Bush is a recovering alcoholic we can assume it's not a beer shit, but that doesn't make me feel all that much better. Also, there's no way in hell I could keep down eight ounces of shit. I mean I've doused some really bad food in hot sauce, but never doo doo butter. I have a delicate system.

The curly whacky straw is really the worst part, though. I imagine that I'd want to chug it all immediately before it could overwhelm me but I'd have to watch it go agonizingly up the straw and then continue sipping steadily. So let's put this at $5 million and never think about this again.

Also, do not look up coprophagia if you value keeping down your lunch.

If you had a championship ring would you wear it?

No.

I know it's only a word [ed. note - there was a lot of preamble. This refers to the word "fuck"], a symbol for a concept that I generally support. But using it casually and frequently in writing seems impolite and imprecise. You three bloggers are all graduates of a well-regarded eastern university. Why the heck do you write so frickin' obscenely? Don't you and your generational cohorts realize that all of these cavalier “fucks” you type into the Inter-web are permanent and may reflect badly on you in the future? Not as badly as appearing in porn would, but still...

I honestly don't think those cavalier "fucks" will reflect poorly because I think language has lost its ability to offend in a vacuum. Especially in an era when every future politician is going to have compromising pictures on Facebook and maybe some idiotic rambling online too, foul language is nothing. I think as our lives become increasingly digitally public, people will cling harder to certain moralities, but a morality of clean language will fade away. It would be one thing to be outwardly offensive or racist (and there's a lot of that on the web, usually anonymous), but simple language has very little capacity to offend, at least to people of my generation. Blame South Park.

I'm actually more concerned that as curse words have become less taboo, we've lost the ability to harness their power. We might need to start inventing some new ones, because these no longer have the same punch they once did. And that would be a real fucking shame. (That was the worst set-up I could come up with for that awful punchline. Yes, I am proud of myself.)

Do you agree that the the line, "I'm going to punch you in the concussion" from Step Brothers is the best line in the movie?

This is such an impossible question. So many of these lines are great because of their delivery, that one included. For instance, Steve and I were discussing the other day that "Do you want to do karate in the garage?" "Yes." is an all-timer as exchanges go but it's really the pacing of the scene more than anything. John C. Reilly telling Will Ferrell that his voice sounds like a combination of Fergie and Jesus makes me crack up, too. I just looked up memorable quotes on IMDB and I'm geekin' out now. My favorite non-Ferrell or Reilly moment is Richard Jenkins' dinosaur speech:

When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job". 

Basically, I love everything about that movie.

Will Andy Murray ever win Wimbledon?

He'll definitely win multiple major titles, and I think he'll win Wimbledon. He's 25 and already one of the best players in the world. Murray's not at the level of dominance of the top 3, but he makes nearly every grand slam semifinal, and I think eventually he'll break through. Federer is 30 and Nadal's body may not be able to handle too many more years with the way he plays. The key will be Djokovic, but he's not going to be in every final, so Murray has time. I don't think the "weight of a nation" stuff will really mean much of anything. The patrons at Wimbledon (and they are patrons more than fans) cheer everything politely, and when he finally gets an opportunity maybe they can push him over the top.

If he had won this year, I would have really considered believing in the 2012 apocalypse, though. Steve brought this up when the BCS decided to implement a playoff (which will never happen because the world will obviously be over), but some weird maybe-the-Mayans-were-right stuff has been happening. Calipari and a bunch of freshman won with Kentucky. The heathen LeBron finally won a championship. Mariano, the one Yankee I like and a famously religious man, went down with a freak injury. The Pirates are good. Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith got their own show (and continue to live). I'm just saying, I was getting a little concerned, and this Murray loss restored some semblance order to my world.

If you were to win Wimbledon what would your immediate celebration be after winning the last point?

I'd definitely drop to the ground and splay out those limbs. There are very few opportunities in life to do that and not look like a total tool, so I'd have to take advantage of that. My go-to move is the Carlton dance, so I'd do that next. Personally, I love any time an athlete showboats after doing something great and wish all the leagues would stop policing it. We're watching a game and athletes should be allowed to have fun. It's just jealous often racist old guys who like to hearken back to how things were. A SLOW WHITE GUY CAUGHT A TOUCHDOWN THROWN FROM ANOTHER SLOW WHITE GUY AND THEN HANDED THE BALL TO THE OFFICIAL. THAT'S HOW FOOTBALL SHOULD BE PLAYED. IN THE SNOW WITH BARE FEET! Give me TO and some goddamn pompoms.

I'm also fascinated by championship ceremonies, and the tennis ceremonies are probably my favorite (unless David Stern is giving the trophy to the road team and acting like Vince McMahon as he gets booed). First they congratulate the chair umpire, for being attentive I guess. I actually wish this would happen during NBA championship ceremonies, as it would lead to non-stop booing or the most sarcastic applause of ever, but I digress. Next, they always interview the loser, who is frequently crying, and basically ask them to talk about how much better the victor was, while said victor is standing there trying not to look too smug, which is particularly difficult if said victor is Serena Williams or Roger Federer. Then the two players embrace and the winner is interviewed and s/he always asks the crowd to give it up for the other player, and it's always just a little bit condescending, especially if said victor is Serena Williams or Roger Federer. It's just so delightfully awkward - WIMBLEDON ROLLS OUT A GREEN CARPET - and I love it. 

What is your favorite random Olympic sport to watch? Don't say gymnastics you perv.

For the Winter Olympics it's obviously curling. Shuffleboard is for people slowly dying in Florida, and curling is shuffleboard for people slowly freezing to death in Canada. Can't get enough of it. As for Summer Olympics, the perviest answer would actually be women's beach volleyball, but my favorite to watch and pretend I'm an expert at is synchronized diving. It's such a goofy premise, and I always have a great time thinking about the guy who just missed the team, but who has devoted the past 15 years of his life to diving in time with other people. He would've made it but for TOO MUCH SPLASH! Now he'll have to drown his sorrows about missing the team and devoting his life to such a silly sport.

Also, why limit synchronicity to diving, I ask. We should incorporate this into more of life. Some ideas, and I'm just spitballing here:

1. Synchronized dunk contest. We've been meaning to spice this thing up for years. This seems almost too obvious to me.
2. Synchronized ice fishing. I don't think anybody would be able to tell the difference, but I'd like there to be a judge sitting out there for 8 hours.
3. Synchronized hibachi chefs. I just kinda want to see this and I'm hungry writing this post. 

Point is, we could do a lot more.

If you were a free agent would you take a home-town discount? Go to a warm weather place? Chase a ring?

I'm all about the Benjamins, baby. I mean it depends on where you are in your career. Early on I want money. If I were established and rich then at the end of my career I might go title hunting, but otherwise I'm doing me. Also, I'd never live in Kansas City.

Which would you rather be: tall, rich, and bald or short, poor, and have a full head of hair?

Tall, rich, and bald, though I think the better question would be short, rich, and bald. Then I'd think about it, but probably still choose rich. I could afford a nice toupee.

Thanks for the questions. Send Sean some for next week.

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