Monday, July 30, 2012

I Gotta Believe LeBron James Would Medal In Like 70% of Olympic Sports
Olympic sports exist so rich people with a decent amount of athletic ability can compete in niche sports because they weren't good enough to play real sports. This is true at least of Americans, who are obviously the only athletes that matter in the Olympics. Any sport that mostly requires "raw athletic ability" to be refined in some way would probably be dominated by LeBron James. Let's say you give him a year to focus on each Olympic sport. How could he not medal in some of these sports? Let's run down all the sports here.

SPORTS THAT DON'T REALLY INVOLVE RAW ATHLETIC TALENT THAT MUCH SO WE'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TALK ABOUT THEM: Equestrian, Diving, Synchronized Swimming, Sailing, Shooting, Archery, Table Tennis, Weightlifting

ATHLETICS: This is what they call track and field. LeBron probably wouldn't win gold in the running events, even if he trained for a year. But that 6-8 freight train couldn't throw a javelin farther than Ludwig von Steroids? Put LeBron on the same training regimen and he's setting the world record in no time.

BADMINTON: LeBron takes up the whole court by himself. Just teach him how to hold the racquet, tell him the rules, and he wins gold easy. Give him a year and he's the best badminton player ever. OH BUT THIS KOREAN GUY HAS BEEN PLAYING HIS WHOLE LIFE! Don't insult me, don't insult LeBron James, and don't insult this country.

BASKETBALL: He's already the best player at basketball, which is the most legit sport at the Olympics as is.

BOXING: You teach LeBron how to take a punch, he knocks out every competitor at Olympic boxing in the first round. Olympic boxers are the exact opposite of legit. They have head gear. Those little Frenchies would go oui oui in their pants before they faced LeBron.

CANOEING/KAYAKING: This one might be difficult, but I could see LeBron getting a bronze. He has a year to train for Christ's sake. No way he doesn't have the beefiest arms of all those competitors. Could he fit into a kayak? Unclear.

CYCLING: Same problem as canoeing/kayaking. You might benefit in some sports if you're smaller. So maybe just a silver in the cycling events for Mr. James.

FENCING: He'd have the longest reach in fencing history. James Higglesworth Toweldryer is gonna get riggity rolled by a guy who's definitely more agile and has a 1000-inch reach.

SOCCER: LeBron James, had he started out as a soccer player, would be monstrous. The problem with Olympic soccer is that people who are actual legit athletes in other countries play soccer. So given a year, LeBron still wouldn't be the best soccer player. He could totally be the goalie for the gold medal team though.

GYMNASTICS: This is the first one that I can reasonably say LeBron would not medal in. He could be a foot shorter and still be too big for gymnastics. The ideal gymnast would be the strongest oompa loompa. Men's gymnastics has the very odd dual properties of being absolutely amazing to watch and the most hilarious thing you've ever seen. Especially the floor exercise. Gollllllllly.

HANDBALL: Just tell him the rules and let him practice over a long weekend. He'd be the best handball player in the world. Who's stopping him? Who's getting a ball past him if he's the goalie? He could singlehandedly lead any handball team to gold. Yeah no some random guy from Sweden is better than LeBron at handball. Give me a break.

FIELD HOCKEY: This is apparently a men's sport and a women's sport. LeBron would leave a bunch of dudes in kilts strewn around the field as he let loose on the quivering goalie. I've never seen field hockey, but the Germans won last Olympics. Who won World War II again? Oh yeah LeBron James and America.

JUDO: Kick LeBron James 100 times with judo kicks and see how he responds. He responds by picking you up and breaking you in half over his knee. Same with Taekwondo. You can be as good as you want at martial arts, but that won't stop you from a bus running you over. Gold.

MODERN PENTATHLON: The events of the modern pentathlon are fencing, pistol shooting, freestyle swimming, show jumping on horseback, and cross country running. What a stupid mixture of events. Great I'm done with these, time to go fight in the Franco-Prussian War. This is by far the worst event in the Olympics, and I would not stoop to the level of even predicting how LeBron would do. It would be insulting.

ROWING: I guess because lacrosse isn't an Olympic sport, they need to throw the doucebags a bone. A crew bro is an even snootier version of a lax bro. If Redman can do it in How High, LeBron definitely can.

SWIMMING: You give him a year, he gets a bronze. Michael Phelps is the best swimmer ever and he talks like he just had a stroke.

TENNIS: Same kind of thing as soccer. There are actual real athletes who play this. A year is a long time, though. LeBron covers the court enough to beat at least Andy Murray. Andy Murray looks like the cover girl for British Teeth Magazine for Christ's sake.

TRIATHLON: You need a lot of endurance for this. LeBron carried an entire franchise/city on his back for seven GD seasons. If that's not endurance, I don't know what is. Silver at worst.

VOLLEYBALL: Chase Budinger was an All-American volleyball player. You could tie LeBron's hands behind his back and he'd be the best spiker in the world with his forehead. Volleyball is just what tall kids with not enough coordination to dunk play.

WRESTLING: Yeah no Jake Stoudebaker from Idaho is gonna take down LeBron. Yup, uh huh, sure, yup, mm-hmm, no doubt about it. NNNOOOOOOOOO

So not counting the ESPECIALLY dumb sports, I count LeBron medaling in 14-16 of the 21 sport categories that we've mentioned. Give him a year, he becomes the greatest Olympic athlete ever. THE ANALYSIS IS IRON CLAD.

P.S. Could I have bigger crushes on Michelle Obama and Kate Middleton at the Olympics? They're both just so GD cute. As Drew Magary tweeted during the Opening Ceremonies, "Everything about this is horrible except for when they cut to Kate Middleton. And then... ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥"

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