Friday, August 31, 2012

NFL SEASON PREVIEW SUPER AWESOME XPLOSION GLITTER BAZOOKA SANDWICH AIR GUITAR MOTORCYCLE IMAGINATION DRAGON SANTA BLOWOUT JUMBOPALOOZA!!!!!!


Now you know why we can't settle on a name for our weekly letters segment. Here are the fun predictions for the NFL season, the ones that will make you cry, laugh, cry, and stop reading before they're over because Jiminy Christmas is this gonna be a long one.

By the way, all of these predictions, and the ones from the over-unders, will be COMPLETE crap by Week 5. Enjoy.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters, Week 9

We're now at the point where we've almost done a mailbag for each individual follower. You're all welcome. 

Quick note: Sports are coming back and they are coming back hard. The US Open, NFL, and the baseball playoff race are all in full force. I just started law school and will probably have to pull back from my involvement in the blog. I'll still be writing posts and mailbags but much less frequently. It sucks but there's nothing I can really do about it (unless you guys pay me a lot of money to read it...think about it).


Did you hear that actress Reese what's her name killed herself?
 WITHERSPOON!?!
With her  knife!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Rules for Retooling

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The Red Sox traded Josh Beckett's terrible contract extension, Adrian Gonzalez's misguided mega-contract, Carl Crawford's tuberculosis of a contract, and the lovable though awful Nick Punto to the Dodgers for James Loney and (potentially good) prospects. This leaves them in terrific position to retool, unloading trillions of dollars in bad contracts to the Dodgers who are total suckers. So now that the Red Sox are going to be retooling this offseason, here are a few ground rules. Obviously, I should be the GM of the Red Sox.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Today In Manufactured News...

Dwyane Wade doesn't think LeBron James is quite on Michael Jordan's level yet.

From an ESPN write-up that currently tops their news section:
"I don't know if (James) has the ability to surpass (Jordan) or not," Wade told ESPNChicago.com on Thursday during a promotional event for his Wade's World Foundation. "That's yet to be seen. My version as LeBron being on par with Michael is this: They're both on the golf course. Michael's on the 18th hole. LeBron is somewhere on like the fourth hole. He's got a long way to go, but he's on par to get to the 18th hole.... 
Michael Jordan is the greatest player of all time, that's who everyone shoots for. So it's going to be hard to surpass that."

DVR and the NFL

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It's a time of significant change for the writers on your favorite blog. Sean just started law school at NYU, I'm starting a new job soon, and Jon grew (PSYCH). Another huge change for me is this: I'm now going to be working on Sundays. 2pm-9pm. That means I will not be able to watch a live football game all GD year. What. A. Development.

As a result, I'm forced to get DVR service and watch the games after they've already happened, determined not to have the result of every Patriots game RUINED before I get to see it. I'm trying to look on the bright side, though. I won't have to watch any stupid commercials, I won't have to wait for halftime to end, and I can pause and rewind to my heart's content. There are benefits to this arrangement.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters

Well, we haven't gotten anything better, so I'm going to stick with Steve's suggestion from last week and go with The Whole 42 Letters. 

Before we get going, my Milwaukee Brewers released Randy Wolf today, and I know that I am the go-to source for snarky Internet commentary about the Milwaukee Brewers so here goes. One of the key reasons I thought the team wouldn't suck this year was that I expected Randy Wolf to not completely implode (and for Shaun Marcum to stay healthy). I was so very wrong. Now, had I been thinking logically, I should have known that Randy Wolf was Jeff Suppan 2.0 and jumped ship a long time ago.


Derp. I look entirely too pleasant and can no longer get guys out.

*Last night while watching Ervin Santana pitch against the Red Sox, I asked editor-in-chief Steve whether Santana was better than Edwin Jackson because I conflate/confuse the two, and we both immediately agreed that Jackson and Santana are the same pitcher, to the point where they should have the exact same stats. Well the only duo I can think of to resemble each other quite as much would be Randy Wolf and Jeff Suppan. Especially regarding their late-career implosions while pitching for the Brewers.*

Even when Randy Wolf was good, he kind of sucked. He got guys out with smoke and mirrors. This blog caught a Brewers-Red Sox game at Fenway last year  in which Wolf shut down the Sox for 7 innings and it never at any point seemed like he was pitching well. He didn't have pinpoint control (or at least that reputation with umpires) like Maddux. He didn't have a single go-to pitch. He just had junk and he threw a fastball at about 89 and a few breaking balls and he was moderately effective. Some guys can do this almost infinitely, though as Jamie Moyer proved this year, all things must come to an end. There was a time when Wolf could out-fox hitters (get it???) but not this year. 5.69 ERA! 1.57 WHIP! Just nothing redeeming. It made me pine for the halcyon days of Ruben Quevedo (I can guarantee that I am literally the first person to ever write that sentence). At least Quevedo was supposed to suck.

Wolf was infuriating. Never really more than a glorified 3 starter, the 2012 vintage of Wolf was now the worst pitcher on a team imploding. And the Brewers finally let him go. ON HIS 36TH BIRTHDAY. Because screw Randy Wolf. Small market teams fall in love with safe guys (like Wolf and Suppan) and give them too much money because they think it's a sure thing. Well, it's not. I like to imagine that Mark Attanasio shoved Wolf down Bernie Brewer's slide as he was pushing him out the door and he's been sliding down and down ever since... TO HELL. 


Will the Wolf survive, indeed?

On to your questions...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Fredi Gonzalez is a Fucking Moron

Credit to @Frediot who figured out Fredi's bullpen structure

Here's a hypothetical situation: you have six guys who are used to get three or so outs after the starters leave the game. Let's call them a bullpen. Each of these guys has something he is specifically good at: getting groundballs, strikeouts, facing lefties, etc. However, there is one pitcher who is far and above the best pitcher of the group. He strikes out nearly 50% of all batters, sports an ERA around 1, and is well-rested after not having pitched the last two nights. Unlike his bullpen brethren, this pitcher has a title: "closer." This title gets him more money and allows him to accumulate saves, or a stat made up by a random sportswriter in the 1950s (true fucking story). This magical title means that for some managers, including Fredi Gonzalez -- the derpiest fattest bastard with the exception of Charlie Manuel -- their best reliever only pitches in "save situations."

Further Evidence to Suggest that ESPN is The Worst

Today, ESPN.com came out with their predictions for the Eastern Conference next year. The Whole 42 Minutes staff will surely do an NBA season preview (much like we did with the MLB, and like we're about to do pretty soon with the NFL), so I won't make any big statements just yet, but these rankings are biggity balls terrible. The Worldwide Leader has no idea about basketball. DISCLAIMER: I know that Stephen A. Smith wasn't part of the "team" at ESPN who made these predictions, but ESPN is still responsible for this guy's overall penisity.

http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/images/11/2006/10/medium_stephenaagainyeah.jpg
                     WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A JOE JOHNSON, A DERON WILLIAMS, A BROOK LOPEZ


Monday, August 20, 2012

YAY AUGUSTA NATIONAL ACCEPTED WOMEN!

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So today, Augusta National announced that two women would join the ranks of Members of Augusta National Golf Club. One of these women is the all-too-familiar Condoleezza Rice, who is famous for ignoring signs that 9/11 was about to happen as National Security Advisor under George W. Bush. She was rewarded for her incompetence by being promoted to Secretary of State in Bush's second term. The other is some rich Southern asshole named Darla Moore.

Friday, August 17, 2012

YCPB So Stop Being Surprised

YCPB, or you can't predict baseball, is an acronym people living in their mothers' basements love to throw around when talking about the craziness of a baseball season, and they are right. Every single season something weird happens: the Rays make the World Series, the Braves and Red Sox collapse, Tim Lincecum becomes the worst pitcher in the National League. This shit happens in some form or another every single year. As a baseball fan, I am confident that each season, some team that no one predicted will do well (the Orioles), and some team everyone though would dominate will suck (the Red Sox). This isn't a new crazy thing, it's a god damn fact of life when it comes to baseball.

Despite this common fucking knowledge, knowledge so common that there's an acronym for it, baseball writers love to write columns or tweet things like: if the season ended today the Orioles would make the playoffs. I can read the fucking standings and it's August 17. Weird things happen in baseball: Juan Pierre has a better season than Justin Upton, boo boo bee boo we get it. So stop it, national baseball writers, just stop it. Think of something creative to write that's not just the things we didn't expect to happen are happening; it's lazy and boring. You can't predict baseball but you can predict that shitty writers will be shitty.

Derp baseball is unpredictable!

Why My Team (Doesn't) Suck

The Whole 42 Minutes' collective favorite writer, Drew Magary, is rolling out his annual inspired mockery of the NFL entitled "Why Your Team Sucks" in which he viciously insults each team for whatever the hell he wants and then runs emails from that team's fans to talk some self-loathing. While the articles are funny, they have nothing on the responses from fans who think he's being serious. Nothing is funnier than a sports fan completely lacking self-awareness spewing vitriol anonymously in the comments of an article attacking his team. Magary's yet to touch on either Steve's Patriots or Sean's and my Packers, but that day of reckoning is fast approaching.

Now Drew's a Vikings fan, so I'm sure he'll be able to mock the Packers plenty. Because if there's one thing I'm certain of it's the Packers' superiority to those purple chokers from the North, and he'll definitely be bitter. Oh will he be bitter. The Vikings may have owned Favre in the '90s, but their history is filled with disappointment. Anyway, I wanted to be a contributor to his piece on the Packers, but I have nothing to say. The Packers just fucking rule.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

This Is Getting Ridiculous


Felix Hernandez threw a perfect game last night. He balled out and he's a great pitcher. But come on...this is getting really ridiculous. How many perfect games are we throwing now? Geez Louise.


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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Melky Cabrera: Fat Cheater

In December 2009, the Braves traded aging innings eater Javier Vazquez to the Yankees for Melky Cabrera  and Arodys Vizcaino (the centerpiece to the Reed Johnson and Paul Maholm deal with the Cubs this July). This trade was supposed to give the Braves a young, cheap centerfielder with the ability to hit .300 and steal some bases. Instead we got a fat, lazy piece of shit. Melky's terrible attitude seeped throughout the Braves' clubhouse like a dying skunk fart. He didn't hustle, he didn't steal, he didn't care and all of his teammates hated him. Melky brought zero tools to the field and was a negative in the clubhouse.

His chin strap outed him as a fat douche cheater well before today's test

The Whole 42 Letters, Week 7

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The Whole 42 Letters. Is that a good name for the segment? I mean, we won't ever answer 42 letters. Even though we totally receive that many. I don't hate that as a name for the segment. People can chime in.

In any event, here they are. Yay.

If you could be on any championship sports team during any season, which would it be?

The Whole 42 Minutes Endorsement--Think Like a Man

My favorite kind of comedy is unintentional. That's a goddamn fact. There's nothing better to me than bad acting and contrived drama that is so over the top, so ridiculous, that you can't stop laughing. Today, I found myself watching "Think Like a Man," the movie based on a book by Steve Harvey.

Here's the gist of the movie: there's a group of dudes who are rude to their girls, their girls play them, the guys play the girls back, and it works out in the end. Kevin Hart does Kevin Hart things and they reference Steve Harvey's book as "the book" and repeatedly read excerpts from the book. This is the kind of movie that makes you cringe until you watch it. When you watch it, all you get is pure joy. You cannot spend a better two hours than watching the "actors" in this "movie." I spent $5 on the subway in New York because someone was selling the DVD, and I will be at the midnight showing of the sequel (Is Steve gonna write another "book"?)

The King in action


Monday, August 13, 2012

Dammit, I Miss The Olympics Already



For the past few days, I've been sort of done with the Olympics. I was pumped to see USA basketball win gold, but other than that, I thought it was enough already. Two weeks seems a lot longer when the Olympics are going on. How much handball, water polo, rhythmic gymnastics, terrible boxing, and judo can I be expected to watch? For Christ's sake, some of these sports don't even have Americans participating. By day 13 of the Olympics, I was just about finished.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

MAILBAG TAKE 6

Here's week six of our yet to be named mailbag. As always, these are questions from our loyal and devoted readers. Please please help us come up with a name. We are about two weeks from just going the path of the UFC and just tacking on a number to each post. Trust me, you don't want to read Mailbag 161 in three years.


What do you think Ron?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Local Red Sox Fans Enjoy Taking Pictures of Selves at Fenway Park Between the 4th and 7th Innings

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If you're an avid reader of this blog (let's face it, who isn't?), you've probably gathered by now that I'm a pretty big Red Sox fan. Red Sox fans used to be able to call themselves the best fans in baseball justifiably; they were certainly among baseball's most informed and most die-hard fans for a long time (and it's subjective, so even if you're really like 4th best, you can call yourselves the best). But ever since our 2004 curse-breaking World Series victory, the bandwagon fans have been coming OUT OF THE WOODWORK. This phenomenon (the "pink hat" movement as many call it) manifests itself most starkly when one attends a game at Fenway Park. Allow me to elaborate on the reasons why I wanted to dick slap every Red Sox fan at Fenway when I was at the game on Saturday.

A Modest Proposal of an (In)sane Theory

I’m normally not much of a conspiracy nut because, for the most part, I tend to gravitate toward reasoned argument over, well, nuttiness. I think Oswald shot Kennedy, Armstrong actually landed on the moon, and Jordan really was just burnt out on basketball in 1994 (well, not really with that last one). I have a lot of gripes with the media not doing their due diligence, but I tend to think that we are getting a reasonable facsimile of truth. But I have a doozy of a conspiracy, and I believe it enough to at least bother writing about it. Get ready because I’m about to blow your collective mind.



Monday, August 6, 2012

The Boys of Summer Live Text USA-Argentina

The three of us all found ourselves watching the USA-Argentina game this afternoon which meant one thing: live text it for the blog. The transcript below has been edited for spelling and context.



Jon: NBC graphics have Ginobili by his full name Emanuel. Hilarious.

Sean: FIBA should fire all of their refs at halftime of this game.
Or just put on Argentina jerseys.

Jon: This is a gdj [god damn joke].

Sean: Iguodala dunked and they actually didn't see that it went through the hoop

Steve: I'm switching to Family Guy [ed. note: luckily for us he didn't. Also this is an embarrassing text]

Sean: Kobe is embarrassing himself

My Favorite Baseball Stadiums

While visiting Target Field last week, I counted that I'd been to thirteen Major League stadiums in my life. Most of them are on the East Coast and I don't consider myself an expert on stadiums or anything, but I thought with that large a number it only makes sense to rank them.



Here's the complete list of every stadium I've visited (in no particular odor): Old Yankees Stadium, New Yankee Stadium, Shea Stadium, Citi Field, Veterans Stadium, Citizens Bank Park, the Metrodome, Target Field, RFK Stadium, Nationals Park, Camden Yards, Fenway Park, and Turner Field. The standings, done in reverse order, are purely based on my own experiences at each place, so they are 100% right.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

MAILBAG TAKE 5

It's our fifth mailbag. We still have no idea what to call it.

What do you think, Mr. Burgundy?

Your questions...