Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Local Red Sox Fans Enjoy Taking Pictures of Selves at Fenway Park Between the 4th and 7th Innings


If you're an avid reader of this blog (let's face it, who isn't?), you've probably gathered by now that I'm a pretty big Red Sox fan. Red Sox fans used to be able to call themselves the best fans in baseball justifiably; they were certainly among baseball's most informed and most die-hard fans for a long time (and it's subjective, so even if you're really like 4th best, you can call yourselves the best). But ever since our 2004 curse-breaking World Series victory, the bandwagon fans have been coming OUT OF THE WOODWORK. This phenomenon (the "pink hat" movement as many call it) manifests itself most starkly when one attends a game at Fenway Park. Allow me to elaborate on the reasons why I wanted to dick slap every Red Sox fan at Fenway when I was at the game on Saturday.

First of all, the Red Sox lost a heartbreaker to the Twins in this game. But a good 60% of fans in attendance did not even get the chance to have their hearts broken. Fans rushed for the exits after "Sweet Caroline" played in the eighth inning with the game tied 2-2. Here's an idea, Red Sox fans: instead of paying all that money to go to the game, just buy "Sweet Caroline" for 99 cents on iTunes and listen to it whenever you want. That way, you don't have to make me red with embarrassment when you jump over yourselves to leave after it's played. I CAME TA SEE THE RED SAWX SO I COULD HEE-YUH FACKIN' SWEET FACKIN' CAROLINE! ANOTHA DAY IN FIAH BAWBBY V NATION! I hope you get sick but not too sick that you have to stay home from work. Dicks.

The deterioration of the Fenway fan base is exemplified by something that is almost too obvious to point out. Every single game I've been to this year has featured the all-too-familiar tell-tale sign of atrocious fans: THE WAVE. This video says it all. WE AH HAVIN' A BAWLL AT FENWAY PAHHHHHHHHHK!!!!!!!!! The Red Sox lost the game in that video by a score of 2-0. At no point was it more than a 2-run game, and at no point were the Red Sox winning. How you gonna do the wave in that situation? I'll tell you how: you do not give a shit about what's going on. Red Sox fans do not give a shit about what's going on anymore. The wave happens at 100% of Red Sox games now.

We're like GD Heat fans now for Christ's sake. People come in the 4th inning and leave before 10:00pm. The main reasons why people go to games are to say that they went, to tweet fuzzy Instagram pictures of the park, and to do the wave. The last thing on their minds is actually enjoying the baseball game. And that used to be the first thing on the minds of Red Sox Nation. But Pink Hat Nation could not give a shit about baseball. They give a shit about being cool, and going to a Red Sox game is cool I guess. There's still a contingent of good Red Sox fans (myself totally included, right?), but they are overshadowed at Fenway by terrible human beings. They embarrass me and I hate them all.

And now here's where people say BUT STEVE! A GAME AT FENWAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! SINCE WHEN IS BASEBALL SERIOUS?! The point is that baseball should be fun on its own. You don't see people doing the wave during a movie or at the ballet (I assume). It's just an all-too-obvious sign that you don't give a shit about what's being performed in front of you, that you find it boring, and that you can think of better things to do.

The only time the wave is appropriate in life is when there's a large crowd waiting for something to start. So I have a proposition for Red Sox fans. If you love the wave so much, come to the game a half hour early, get in your seats, and do it then. It's a win-win. You get to the game on time and you get the wave out of your system. This way, at least we can go back to seeming like we're not terrible fans, even though I'll know that we are. And of course by "we" I mean everyone but myself.

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