Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Melky Cabrera: Fat Cheater

In December 2009, the Braves traded aging innings eater Javier Vazquez to the Yankees for Melky Cabrera  and Arodys Vizcaino (the centerpiece to the Reed Johnson and Paul Maholm deal with the Cubs this July). This trade was supposed to give the Braves a young, cheap centerfielder with the ability to hit .300 and steal some bases. Instead we got a fat, lazy piece of shit. Melky's terrible attitude seeped throughout the Braves' clubhouse like a dying skunk fart. He didn't hustle, he didn't steal, he didn't care and all of his teammates hated him. Melky brought zero tools to the field and was a negative in the clubhouse.

His chin strap outed him as a fat douche cheater well before today's test

In his one season on the Braves, Melky Cabrera hit .255/.317/.354 with four home runs in 458 at bats. He played defense like Barry Bonds at the end of his career prompting the Braves to move him to left field so his fat ass had less ground to cover. Despite his negative WAR, the Braves eeked into the playoffs only to see Melky go 0-8 as they lost to the Giants in four games. Melky Cabrera was my least favorite Brave ever. I'd rather root for the Astros this season than support a team with his fat, lazy ass. The Braves thankfully got rid of him during the off-season and I said that he was a zero tool player who would never play in the Major Leagues again.

Then things somehow got worse for me. He went to the Royals, the place where bad Braves' outfielders are taken out to pasture, but hit .305 with 18 home runs and 20 steals. Melky Cabrera made a positive contribution on a baseball field and it wasn't owning up to a fart in the dug-out. He said quitting drinking was one of the main reasons for his turnaround. This is admirable and probably good for him health- and family-wise, but I don't give a flying fuck. Figure it out sooner and drink some milk "Melk Man."

If 2011 wasn't bad enough, Melky was traded to the Giants during the off-season and, despite AT&T Park's spaciousness, he has hit everything all year long. Melky's fuck you tour crescendo-ed when he was named the All-Star MVP after hitting a three-run homer off AL MVP Justin Verlander. The Giants are tied for first place in the NL West largely because of his contributions. However, today I finally got some sweet sweet vengeance.

Melky tested positive to testosterone and faces a 50-game suspension. Melky doubled down on his stupidity by actually admitting that he was cheating, something that no athlete ever has done. Guess what Melky: that test and your stupid admission cost of tens of millions of dollars. I hope the Giants don't make the playoffs, I hope that you fall off/on the wagon, and I hope that you go straight for the donuts. This suspension is the first good thing that Melky ever did for me and I couldn't be happier.

No more kissy faces for you fatty.