Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters, Week 7
The Whole 42 Letters. Is that a good name for the segment? I mean, we won't ever answer 42 letters. Even though we totally receive that many. I don't hate that as a name for the segment. People can chime in.

In any event, here they are. Yay.

If you could be on any championship sports team during any season, which would it be?

WHAT a QUESTION! My knee-jerk answer is the 2004 Red Sox, and ultimately that's my real answer. I think that would be a really legitimate answer even if I weren't a Red Sox fan. It was a ridiculous playoff run -- being down 3-0 to the Yankees in the ALCS -- and the first championship in 86 years for a tortured franchise. It would certainly be a very sweet one to be a part of. You're welcome, Doug Mientkiewicz. And no, I didn't need to look up how to spell his name because that's how much I love the 2004 Red Sox, who won the World Series on my 16th birthday.

Hi, Steve. Longtime reader, big fan of the blog. I just want to know - what's your editorial process like. I see you're listed as the editor in chief. Do you make decisions on the content of the blog?

Thanks a lot for the support, random reader I've never met. I'm mostly the Editor-In-Chief because it was my idea to start the blog, and I came up with the name. The three writers write about whatever they want, and I don't really mess with the content. I try to be as hands-off as possible, o devoted reader. I see myself as more of a proofreader-in-chief. Especially for Sean.

You're a huge sports fan, yet you aren't someone who plays fantasy sports. This is exceedingly rare for a sports fan today. Please explain why you don't play fantasy sports.

Well, is it that rare? I guess it is. I don't enjoy fantasy sports at all. I've done baseball, football and basketball, and all of them gave me no pleasure. First of all, I've literally never been available for a draft, and as much as I try to stack the choices in my favor, I end up with a dogshit team every time. And then like...there are so many injuries and stuff...and it's just like...I care so little. I just monumentally don't care how my team does. If I sat there and worked on my team for like 20 minutes each day, I know that I could do well, but I'm 100% not motivated to do that. I get no pleasure out of my team doing well. And I'm also forced to root for random players to build up their stats. I don't want to care that much about stats. As much as people say it adds to the enjoyment of watching a game, it detracts for me. I care about who wins, not who gets 87 rushing yards. It just gives me no enjoyment. No good.

If you could only watch one sport for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Obviously there's no great answer to this question, because giving up all but one sport would blow. But I think I'd have to choose basketball. As much as I would hate to give up watching the Red Sox, I would definitely hate giving up the rest of the NBA more than giving up the rest of the MLB. And though the Red Sox are the team I enjoy watching the most, I enjoy watching the Celtics almost as much, and I enjoy watching the NBA a hell of a ton. And no football would really free up my Sundays for social non-football activities (BLUUUURRRRRGGGGGG BARFBARFBARF). So basketball.

If you could put together the dream announcing team for football, who would you include?

I'd like to start this off by saying that 99-100% of football announcers are absolutely abominable. Just the worst. I don't know if I'd put anyone working today for Fox, CBS, ESPN or NFL Network in the dream team for announcing football. But if I had to choose, I'd have a two-person announcing crew, because having 3 people is just too many. I never like three-person announcing. So for play-by-play I'd go with excited-ass Gus Johnson. And for the color commentator, I'd want someone who wasn't a giant dick (that doesn't exist) and also gives good analysis. I think I'd have to go with John Madden before his brain turned to oatmeal. And every time Madden said "Now here's a guy..." you could take a swig of your favorite beverage. I think I'd get through a twelver of Fresca every Sunday. No sideline reporter either. They serve no purpose and I hate them.

As people get into their 20s everyone wants to go to fucking brunch. Is it worth it or is it just a god damn waste?

Brunch is great if you do it right. If you go to a brunch buffet, you can get a first course of waffles/pancakes/bacon/fruit?/danish/a muffin, and then go back for a hot roast beef sandwich with a side of more pancakes. Now when people "go to brunch" because it's a thing to do, and it's not a buffet, it is, indeed, a GD waste. If you're going to brunch because you mean business, it can be a great experience.

What is your favorite flower?

I enjoy a nice daffodil now and then. I like that there's like a little cup in the flower. They're also yellow, which is my favorite color. It's not like daisies or anything. None of that weak shit.

If you could have Siri/GPS talk in any voice, whose would you choose?

Gotta go with Alan Rickman on this one. He'd add so much gravity to giving directions. "Turn. Right. In. Five. Hundred. Feet. Do not........disappoint me. Turn to page three hundred and ninety-four." His cadence is better than Shatner's for Christ's sake.

Rank the continents.

#1 is too obvious that I'm not even gonna say it.
2. Africa. No explanation needed there.
3. South America. Thanks for all the fruit and shit.
4. Australia. Pretty baller to have a whole country devoted to 1 continent. I guess Oceania counts as part of Australia's continent, but the day I remember that Tuvalu is a country is the day the terrorists win, I think. Pretty sure.
5. Asia. Stop making stuff that's better than the stuff made in America. Assholes. You're big though so you can't be last.
6. Antarctica. I wouldn't want to live there, but if it's good enough for a penguin, it's good enough not to be in last place.
7. Europe. How is this even a continent? You're just Asia's dingleberry and you ruined the world. First of all, your people make a point to be smelly. Second, you colonized the entire world and act like we're all supposed to forget about it. Now all of a sudden you come to us asking for money. Bitch, if you can't figure out how to exploit other countries without making it look so bad, I don't know how we can help you. America figured it out, but you guys are too busy taking 6-hour siestas in your 8-hour workdays, retiring at age 22, and having free healthcare that pays for your indoor swimming pool. Third, you dragged America in to save your sorry asses from killing each other twice in a span of like 25 years. Jeezy Creezy you guys blow. And you have the nerve to actually try to beat us at shit in the Olympics. YOU ASSHOLES OWE US MONEY

If you could only eat one type of meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) every meal of every day, what would it be?

Such a tough question. I think the highest-quality meals come from dinner, but do I want any "dinner" item for breakfast? Or lunch for that matter? Not usually. I think I'll go with breakfast because of its diversity. You can go simple like cereal, sweet like pancakes, savory like eggs. A good balance of grains, fruits, dairy, and protein can be found in breakfast. You can even throw as many veggies as you want in an omelet. Yeah actually I might just do this voluntarily.

Is this the real life?

We're not...we're not doing Bohemian Rhapsody.

If you could only drink one beverage for the rest of your life (assume that whatever it is takes care of your hydration needs health wise) what would it be?

I know if I were a real 23-year-old, I'd say SAM ADAMS ALWAYS A GOOD DECISION. But I'm not even close to saying that. This question, I believe, assumes that any non-healthy aspects of the beverage would still affect me. So even though eggnog would hydrate me as much as water, I'd be dead by Halloween. I'd have to go with something that isn't bad for you, preferably something with zero sugar/calories/caffeine. Diet soda seems like it would be too harsh day after day after day, and it would give me a Sweet 'n' Low tumor. I think I'm gonna go with decaffeinated tea. A nice cup of tea is good, and it's versatile. I could let that shit chill and have iced tea. That could be fine for the rest of my life. It would be decently good for me, and I could totally deal with that.

This was a pretty "one thing for the rest of your life"-heavy week. Those are good questions though. KEEP EM COMING.

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