Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters, Week 9

We're now at the point where we've almost done a mailbag for each individual follower. You're all welcome. 

Quick note: Sports are coming back and they are coming back hard. The US Open, NFL, and the baseball playoff race are all in full force. I just started law school and will probably have to pull back from my involvement in the blog. I'll still be writing posts and mailbags but much less frequently. It sucks but there's nothing I can really do about it (unless you guys pay me a lot of money to read it...think about it).

Did you hear that actress Reese what's her name killed herself?
With her  knife!

How long do you think the Post Office has left?

A goddamn question about mailbags in the mailbag. What a terrible way to start this shit.

What color poop would freak you out most?

This is a tough one and you have to factor in the consistency of it. I'd probably go with white but like not if I ate a lot of yogurt. That's normal. Right?

Who is more likely to become this generation's Mark Hamill, Daniel Radcliffe or Elijah Wood?
Daniel Radcliffe seems to be going down the Hamill path. He did some plays on Broadway but as more time passes without him taking on a different character then he becomes more and more just the Boy who lived. Wood has already been in like three or four movies I've seen recently and Lord of the Rings just didn't have the same cultural impact as the other movies. Being older helps Wood also because people see him as more of a real actor not a little kid who "grew" into a little 5'5'' man. 

Radcliffe's destiny is to end up as a voice of Metalocalypse in thirty years. I would feel bad but really he was just a snotty little British kid (like all Brits) who lucked into a part and we had to watch him stumble through eight fucking films while he made millions. I still haven't forgiven Harry Potter for making the last movie two parts.

What's the best sandwich shop to poop in?

How much did Brad Pitt fuck up opting for the now-scary Angie Jolie over the delightful and smokin' hot JAniston?
Brad Pitt fell prey to an age-old trap. One in the hand is better than a bitch-who-is-certifiably-crazy-and-married-Billy-Bob-Thornton in a bush. Jennifer Aniston is beautiful, funny, and talented. You know when Angelina is sucking down the blood of vampire bats in the bathroom Brad flips on TBS and watches old Friends episodes. He says it's because he loves Phoebe's endearing quirkiness but everyone knows he wants to see if Ross and Rachel are still on a break. 

If you could be one member of the Beatles for, say, the year of 1967, which would you be?
By 1967, the Beatles were getting stressed and worried about their creativity and the burden of being an artist. 

Guess who wasn't: Ringo! Ringo didn't give a shit. He just wanted to be loved. His drumming might have been standard and his greatest song might be Octopus Garden, but god damn he had it made. He got the perks of being in the greatest band ever without all the bullshit creative stress. Here's a likely conversation from the Beatles in 1967: John, George, and Paul: "What does it all mean?" Ringo: "Shut up bitches let's take drugs and bang groupies."

Name your Mount Rushmore of all-time interesting athletes (define interesting however you want).

I think athletes are much less interesting today in the era of publicists, limited access/importance of the press and so forth. To make my mountain, you have to pass this three-part test I just randomly made up. 1. If you start a story with 'Did you hear what blank said/did,' would I immediately get super excited? 2. Do he/she have importance in his/her sport beyond being just a circus act? 3. Do he/she create polarizing opinions/discussion?

1. Charles Barkley. He passes all three questions, and lest we forget, he was a 6'6'' power forward who was overweight, couldn't jump, and dominated the NBA. The Abraham Lincoln of the mountain because he is tall and ugly.

2. Mike Tyson. The peaks and valleys of his career are crazy and he oscillates between incredibly naive and poignant. The Thomas Jefferson of the mountain because of the whole rape thing.

3. Chipper Jones. His Twitter feed is hilarious, he's never been afraid to speak the truth, and despite playing in the relative anonymity of Atlanta, Braves fans understand how intelligent and thoughtful he is. Chipper's understanding of his own abilities and limitations and honest telling of these is rare for an athlete of this era. He has earned OG status and is taking full advantage of it. I'm already getting sad that he's retiring soon. He's the Teddy Roosevelt of the mountain, included because of the creator's bias.

4. Babe Ruth. This is sort of a copout answer, but I think he's as important to his sport as anyone in any sport ever. He was larger than life and in New York, which helps. Imagine someone calling his home run today and how fucking awesome it would be if that happened. The George Washington of the mountain because he's the Oest of the OGs.

Who is the sports equivalent to Ryan Gosling? The guy everyone either wants to be or date

Aaron Rogers. He's reinvented sexy. He can rock long hair, short hair, beard, mustache, and all he does is win. Haters want to say he's just the best looking guy in the NFL, but he's also the MVP. Amazingly, his career stacks up perfectly with Gosling.

Beating USC at Cal is "The Notebook" because it put both on the map. His first years on the bench are 2005-2009 where he was in "Stay," "Half Nelson," "Fracture," and "Lars and the Real Girl." His first season when the Packers didn't make the playoffs is "Blue Valentine," an explosion of potential that hadn't quite blossomed. The next three seasons for Rodgers a Super Bowl MVP, Regular season MVP, and BAMF status are "Drive" and "Crazy, Stupid, Love."

Separated at birth?

 Top 5 best rappers dead or alive? 

Biggie, Jay-Z, Nas, Eminem, Kanye. 

Biggie and Jay-Z are no-brainers for their abilities and importance. Illmatic is the best rap album of all time and Nas has managed to mix commercial success while still staying true to himself and his roots better than anyone else. Eminem gets in because his peak, which he hasn't reached consistently in far too long, is as good as anyone's peak. 

Kanye has to be included because he took rap music out of its gangster period and made it more musical. To quote Dame Dash, "that ain't even rap." He is probably the most controversial pick since most would go with Tupac, but ask yourself: if you had to listen to one person's songs for the rest of your life, would you pick Kanye or Tupac?

Ask me in a few years and I bet these kids will change my answer.


  1. Where does Remember the Titans fit into Aaron Rodger's career?

    You've include two of Matt's favorites: Eminem and Hot Cheetos & Takis... was this written for him or what?

    1. Hot Cheetos was for everyone. Eminem is just the truth.

  2. Yeah no Chipper Jones is more interesting than, say, Muhammad Ali. Yup.