Friday, August 17, 2012

Why My Team (Doesn't) Suck

The Whole 42 Minutes' collective favorite writer, Drew Magary, is rolling out his annual inspired mockery of the NFL entitled "Why Your Team Sucks" in which he viciously insults each team for whatever the hell he wants and then runs emails from that team's fans to talk some self-loathing. While the articles are funny, they have nothing on the responses from fans who think he's being serious. Nothing is funnier than a sports fan completely lacking self-awareness spewing vitriol anonymously in the comments of an article attacking his team. Magary's yet to touch on either Steve's Patriots or Sean's and my Packers, but that day of reckoning is fast approaching.

Now Drew's a Vikings fan, so I'm sure he'll be able to mock the Packers plenty. Because if there's one thing I'm certain of it's the Packers' superiority to those purple chokers from the North, and he'll definitely be bitter. Oh will he be bitter. The Vikings may have owned Favre in the '90s, but their history is filled with disappointment. Anyway, I wanted to be a contributor to his piece on the Packers, but I have nothing to say. The Packers just fucking rule.

We may have lost to the fucking Giants in the playoffs last year but we're just another season removed from an improbable Super Bowl victory, so losing a chance at a Super Bowl off a 15-1 season didn't hurt so bad (I'm about to use the word we a lot. It's okay - Sean owns "stock"). We have a storied franchise, so by all means mock us for being obnoxious about it, but we have the most championships, third most Super Bowls and Lambeau is actually one of the great stadiums in the country. The town owns the team which is AWESOME. And on a team construction level, we build through the draft - the only big ticket free agent we've gotten in recent years is Charles Woodson and he's been nothing short of brilliant while in Green Bay. Sure, the media's love of Favre and Favre's dickishness made him unsympathetic, but we cut ties with him at the right time and replaced him with the highest rated quarterback in NFL history (by 7.2 points!). No dick shots with the green and gold. Aaron Rodgers meanwhile just cements his legacy as the greatest quarterback commercial actor since Peyton (FUCK YOU, Brady). The Lambeau Leap. Clay Matthews' luxurious hair. Donald Driver on Dancing With The Stars. I could go on and on.

Oh and there's this:

Our franchise is the model franchise, and without any of that bullshit "THE PATRIOT WAY" that clogs everything ever written about Bellichik Belichick and Brady. Hate on us for being fat hicks, but so are the Minnesota fans, and at least the Packers don't, you know, actually suck.

Football's back in 3 weeks. Patriots and Packers are the two favorites. Discount double-check, baby.


  1. I was so entranced by Brady's Stetson commercial that I barely even noticed that you misspelled Belichick.

  2. Derp comedy is hard, I'll stick to losing Super Bowls.