Monday, August 20, 2012


So today, Augusta National announced that two women would join the ranks of Members of Augusta National Golf Club. One of these women is the all-too-familiar Condoleezza Rice, who is famous for ignoring signs that 9/11 was about to happen as National Security Advisor under George W. Bush. She was rewarded for her incompetence by being promoted to Secretary of State in Bush's second term. The other is some rich Southern asshole named Darla Moore.

Could I care less about anything? The membership of Augusta National Golf Club might actually be the least important thing in my life. It may be the one single thing that has THE LEAST impact on me, and the thing that I care about THE LEAST in the entire world. It's definitely in the running. Now they finally admit women after it became a huge national thing like a decade ago, and it's two women who are really awful? It's not like they admitted Oprah or anything. They admitted two awful people to go with the rest of the absolutely awful people who are members of Augusta National. Here are some notable members of this truly insignificant golf club that basically represents everything I hate about the world:

Bill Gates: He might have been the richest guy in the world, but I get the feeling his handicap is like 1,000,000,000. HA he actually sandbagged a tournament once! He shot an 87 and said he had a 30 handicap! WHAT AN AWFUL HUMAN
Lou Holtz: He's articulate enough to be an analyst on ESPN! Of course, that means he may or may not have a functioning central nervous system. He would lose an elocution contest to Elmer Fudd.
T. Boone Pickens: You go by Boone? What's your first name, Tuberculosis? You're the definition of everything I hate.
Warren Buffett: All your "liberal" street cred just dissipated because you're a member of this balls-terrible institution.
Hugh McColl: This is the guy for Bank of America. If you like Bank of America, I don't know what to say to you. I hate them and it's not even my bank.
Lynn Swann: I don't care if you used to play in the NFL. You have the girliest name I've ever heard, male or female.

I could go on, but you get the picture. It's all terrible people who use monogrammed golf balls and smoke expensive tobacco in $100 bills. Congratulations on being the worst thing in existence, Augusta. It's not enough that you didn't admit women until 2012 and this isn't Saudi Arabia. You had to admit someone who is in the running for worst Secretary of State ever, and some lady who married a rich guy and is a partner at his firm. You're all puke.

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