Saturday, September 29, 2012

Survivor Pool Week Four

Real refs are back. Hurray!!!!! Everyone has already made the joke that they'll get a big ovation and then about five minutes into the game all the fans will collectively remember how much the old refs suck anyway. We at The Whole 42 Minutes fully endorse that reaction (Jeff Triplette, you are an ass despite wearing our favorite number, 42) but would also like to remind you that the real villain in all this is Roger Goodell. Football may be "back to normal" but don't forget that the NFL and Goodell don't give a shit about you unless you can affect their bottom line.

Nor does Goodell really care about the integrity of the game, which we already knew. Remember when he retroactively changed the rules of the game to fine James Harrison for a hit that was legal when he made it? Or when he fined owners retroactively for breaking unwritten rules? This is just further proof.

When the Seahawks and Packers have identical 11-5 records at the end of the year but only Seattle makes the playoffs, mark my words: there will be rioting in the streets of Wisconsin. Cheese stores will be looted. Taxidermy will be upended. The streets will run red...with Leinenkugel. After about 20 minutes everyone will be hopelessly out of breath and it'll die down - hey, it's hard to get exercise in the winter and also CHEESEBEERBRATSOMNOMNOM - but those 20 minutes will be sweet, sweet release. I'm hoping for a gigantic meat-based effigy of Goodell that we can all feast on together.

This caption is me trying to hit you over the head with a joke I'm mildly proud of.

For reference, our records so far:
Sean: 4-2
Jon: 1-5 (This isn't even funny anymore)
Steve: 5-1

To our picks:

Sean: Whale's Vagina. God the AFC West is always boring. Whoop de durrrrr Peyton Manning is here now. I can't wait until one of these teams lucks into going 10-6 and gets stomped at home.

That being said, the Chargers are going to beat the Chiefs. The Chiefs aren't even bad enough to be interesting. They still have players who you know: Matt Cassell, Dwayne Bowe, and Jamal Charles are still hanging around. Why? Because this team is boorrring. They will go 5-11 and no one will care. At least you have the Royals, Kansas City.

San Francisco. The Niners are definitely overrated as the Vikings of all teams proved, but they will absolutely destroy Mark Sanchez who was rattled by the Dolphins pass rush. Think he stands a chance against a real defense? Especially one coming off a loss. Unfortunately, this means that the cries for Tebow are only going to get louder. Turn off ESPN now.

Jon: The real refs are back but I'm taking a weekend or more off from football (harkening back to my old missing-football-for-a-capella-rehearsal days... yes, I should just stop talking now). Also, I'm terrible at this. Like almost mindblowingly terrible, as in I've picked one out of six correctly. Last year, Adam Dunn hit .159 for the season, including slugging an incomprehensible .074 against lefties. That's how bad I am at picking football games thus far (give or take a few percentage points).

Without further preamble: Atlanta handles Carolina and Houston rolls Tennessee. I'm betting on what I think are two of the five best teams in the NFL. Don't let me down.

Steve: I'm taking the Cardinals at home to beat the Dolphins. I'm not sure about either of these teams yet, but what I am sure of is that the Cardinals have a legitimately pretty good defense, and Reggie Bush ain't enough. The Cards are my sleeper pick this year, and so far they haven't disappointed. Other than viciously disappointing me because I'm a Patriots fan. GD.

Going with another home team, I'm taking the Lions to beat the Vikings. The Vikings are not going 3-1, you guys. No. No no no no no no no. They're not. No. They aren't. All this being said, the first 3 weeks tell us very little about how good teams are. And this year, this is even more true because these replacement refs made many if not most games relatively farcical. They had such a profound effect on football that evaluating teams is even hazier than usual after 3 games. What a joke.

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