Tuesday, September 4, 2012


Here is the tenth (!) edition of our most popular segment. Or, as some may call it, our segment.

Will Scalabrine be a great coach, or the greatest coach?

This question refers to the revelation about a week ago that Brian Scalabrine, the King of the Leprechauns, will probably be joining the Chicago Bulls' coaching staff. The Veal has become THE symbol for players who don't appear to belong in the NBA. Not only does he have a shock of red hair, but he's pudgy and has no discernible basketball skills. He used to be a decent shooter and he's 6-9. That means that SOMETHING has been keeping him in the NBA for about a decade past his usefulness. He must be the smartest basketball player there ever was, and he must be a great guy to have on your team to influence the other guys. It makes almost too much sense that he's going to be a coach. It's probably what he was born to do, but he just happened to turn out to be 6-9. So to answer your question, greatest coach.

What is the proper verb for paying for the services of a prostitute? I've heard people say purchase/rent/buy, and I would tend to recoil at any of those phrases for obvious connotative reasons, but on the other hand you're trading money for access to someone's body, which is being used as a commodity, so it is a business-like interaction. Are any of those words acceptable?

The correct way to handle this semantic scenario is to verbify the word "john." So you say you johned a prostitute. Incidentally, I'm currently reading a book about colonial America, and there are many quotes from this Virginia gentleman's diary. Many of the quotes deal with how this man preyed on women sexually, and he uses the term "roger" to mean "bone." In his diary he'll say some shit like "I happened upon Mistress Higginbotham and rogered her thrice." One of the funniest things of all time. So you john a prostitute for the purpose of rogering her. Or him!

Quotes incorrectly attributed to LeBron James about a secret Vegas that 99% of people don't even know about raise the question: do you think this actually exists? Is the world of top celebrites as lavish as what us normal people get to hear about in rap songs and such or do you think celebrities spend a lot of time doing basic, normal shit? In short, is US Weekly's "Celebs are just like us" section truthful?

I really think celebrities do a lot of both. I think a lot of their lives are boring. This is often evidenced by celebrities' Twitter accounts. I remember a tweet from Lupe Fiasco talking about he was watching C-SPAN. And a lot of their lives are probably chock full of appearances/meetings/promotions/work, etc. Boring shit.

But then again, I really think athletes and celebrities are living ridiculous lives much of the time. Famous people are getting laid as much as they want, however they want. They are spending money doing whatever they want, however much they want. I believe that a secret Vegas exists for these people. I just can't imagine that Kanye West goes to a club and doesn't drop at least 4 figures, sometimes 5. And people will do disgusting, unbelievably degrading things to get with a celebrity. Basically, there's no reason to believe that any of this crazy stuff is false because it actually is plausible, which is crazy to think about. But if you're Brad Pitt and you can drop $50K at the drop of a hat, you can make some weird shit happen.

Describe your plan for not hearing the scores of the NFL games you'll be missing while working. 

The people I'm working with will also be at work during the NFL games that day, and there are no phones/computers allowed at this job. So the people I'm working with won't know the scores either. At the beginning of the shift, I'll announce that I'm DVRing the game, so if the people there do somehow know the scores, they'll hopefully have the decency not to blab. Now all I'd have to do is not check the scores online. I got some will power. It's doable. This isn't  exactly a How I Met Your Mother Super Bowl situation. Am I right, fellas?

Andy Roddick is about to play his last match, and presumably he will lose and get a massive standing ovation from the fans at the US Open (though nothing like Agassi's). The attention will rightly be solely on him, but he'll also have that pretty uniquely tennis dilemma of being the only person on court and having to just stand there awkwardly. I'm not asking which sport you'd rather play, but which would you rather retire from? NBA or MLB where you get replaced and the crowd cheers and you can hug your teammates or tennis where everybody just cheers you as you finish?

I'd feel so exposed as an Andy Roddick. EVERYBODY LOOK AWAY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS! I'd definitely want to have buddies there to help me get in my comfort zone when uncomfortable amounts of love and attention are being poured on me. That means team sports are the only viable options. I think I'd want to retire from baseball. If you're a beloved player, you get honored in a bunch of cities on your farewell tour season (like Chipper Jones this year), and you get the curtain call when your time finally comes. All you do is wave to the crowd if you're an NBA player. MLB wins because of the EMERGENCE factor. I RISE FROM MY LAIR TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, THE DISGUSTING PEASANTRY.

This week brought the tragic passing of Michael Clarke Duncan, a man who lived an incredible life and a man who you admired. How are you taking this loss?

I'm actually very, very sad about the passing of Michael Clarke Duncan. I used him as my profile picture during that Facebook "doppleganger" phase, and I don't think anyone could disagree that I look just like him. But in all seriousness, he was only 54. I always enjoyed him in any movie I saw him in, and that's just too young. I thought he was a terrific actor whom people didn't take very seriously because of his size, his race, and his most memorable role as a simple, somewhat dim-witted prisoner in The Green Mile. This is as surprising and saddening as when Bernie Mac passed at age 50. RIP, MCD. You are loved and you will be missed.

If you had to eliminate one of either reading books, watching TV, listening to/going to see music or watching/going to movies, which would you get rid of?

BOOKS. I AIN'T NO NERD. Seriously though, it's either books or movies. Music would be too hard because it's so ubiquitous, and eliminating TV would eliminate watching sports, WHICH SIMPLY WON'T DO. As those who know me know, I have a very short attention span and usually don't enjoy movies that much. I think, at the end of the day, I get more enjoyment out of books than out of movies, so I'd go with getting rid of movies, as weird as that seems even as I type it.

If you were in the NFL what would be your go to move if you scored a touchdown? We are assuming that you are a big fat defensive lineman or offensive lineman who would probably only score that one touchdown ever.

Why are we assuming that? Oh. In any event, if I only score one touchdown, I'm not sure that I can have a "go-to" move. I couldn't have a simple but profound move like Gronk's spike or Rodgers's belt. I'd want it to be awesome and way memorable, but not super obnoxious. I'd like to think that I'd do something like stop drop and roll while moderately yelling "I'M ON FIRE, BABY! I'M ON FIRE!" or something equally charmingly corny. But let's be honest, I'd jump around like an asshole and dick slap the other team's coach. That's just me being realistic.

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