Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters Take 12

Time to ring in the New Year and it's YOUR turn to ask some questions. Here we go...

In honor of Rosh Hashanah who are the 3 greatest Jewish athletes?
Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year fyi. Let's just be thankful that they didn't ask me to name ten great Jewish athletes, amirite fellas?

1. Amar'e Stoudemire. He's certainly the only Jew who can dunk and he plays in New York. Not too shabby.

2. Ryan Braun. He definitely calls his mother every day.

3. Jay Fiedler. Everybody loves a quarterback and he played in Miami. Again what's not to love.

Is there ever a time when you don't feel like a bitch whilst holding an umbrella?

Yesterday it was fucking raining and I actually remembered to bring an umbrella. Honestly, I'd rather just be soaking. First of all, you look like an idiot. Secondly, you can't walk fast because everyone has huge umbrellas in your way. Thirdly, umbrellas aren't even that effective. Fourthly, every time the wind gusts you are terrified of it turning upside down. So yeah, you always feel like a bitch whilst holding an umbrella.

What's the best cartoon TV show ever? And because I have a feeling you'll choose an adult-focused cartoon, what's the best kid-focused cartoon ever?

The obvious answer is the Simpsons for best cartoon TV show ever, but kids is a little bit more difficult. My instinct is to say Rugrats but I also loved Hey Arnold. I made my parents take me to Rugrats movie in theaters (I'm sorry mom and dad), so I guess that was my favorite then and now.
 Now that we have 2 weeks of football under our belts, and you're reminded of all the piss-poor announcers on every network, who's the worst one (of play-by-play guys and color commentators)? Who's the best one?

I can't stand Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. Buck is Exhibit A for why nepotism is bad and Aikman left football because he suffered too many concussions. Now he's being called upon to give us instant analysis? How the hell does that make sense. Honorable mention goes to the NFL Network announcers who spent four quarters making excuses for Jay Cutler as he made terrible throw after terrible throw. As Charles Woodson said "the proof is in the pudding."

What are your thoughts about the end of the Giants/Bucs game? (Going after Eli and the ball in victory formation) Play all 60 minutes or Don't do that at this level, it's not college.

Derp a derp play the game the right way!

Tom Coughlin is a joke. He likes to talk about the right way of playing the game, and the unwritten rules and blah blah blah. The Cardinals/Patriots game proved that as long as there is time on the clock crazy shit can happen. Diving closer to the quarterback's feet in case a fumble does occur is a smart strategy. The Giants should have known that Greggggg Schiano would have done this because his teams at Rutgers used this strategy and blocked the other team. If diving at someone's feet increases your chances of winning the game at all then it is a good strategy. Playing the game the right way is a meaningless phrase uttered by curmudgeonly sports writers and shitty coaches. 

How bad are these replacement refs, amiright?

I don't have a unique opinion on this, but yes they are terrible. Roger Goodell puts his dick on the table basically every week and says 'What are you gonna do, not watch the NFL?' And we all take his shit. Pretend to care about player safety with arbitrary suspensions and a bounty scandal--check. Make players play every Thursday and subject themselves to increased chance of injury--check. Try and make the season 18 games--check. Lowball the referees and make us all watch a shittier product--check. Goodell could start Monday night games at 10:30 (oh wait that happened) and we would still watch it. Football can do whatever it wants and if it means a team gets four timeouts, or a ref tells LeSean McCoy to play better because he's on his fantasy team, then so be it.

Rex Ryan was funnier when he was fat, right?

This falls under the Seth Rogan/Jonah Hill theory of comedy. The fatter you are the funnier you are. If Bruce Bruce said any of his jokes as a skinny guy they would bomb. Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill getting skinnier probably helped their film careers but it certainly didn't make them funny. One time I read an interview with Hill talking about his diet. There's nothing less funny and boring than to talk about dehydrated kale and quinoa. Rex Ryan is less funny now that he's slightly less fat. Congratulations on reducing your cholesterol but I ain't laughing. Also the Jets aren't that good yet pretend to be relevant. They are basically the AFC Cowboys and need to die.
  If you could be the general manager of any team, in any sport, at any time other than the teams you root for, what team would it be and why?

I think being the GM of the Red Sox in 2003 would have been pretty sweet. Here's the situation: you inherit a team with Manny Ramirez, Pedro Martinez, Jason Varitek, Derek Lowe, and Nomar Garciaparra. That's a pretty stacked team to begin with, and you've just won 93 games. You get basically an unlimited budget, meaning you can get players like Curt Schilling, and you have reams of stats on your hands that other teams can't even fathom. Sure Theo Epstein is a really smart guy but he has a team of Ivy League stat nerds finding the David Ortizs and Kevin Millars of the world. It's the perfect situation to be a hero forever -- think about how many old GMs you can really name -- plus baseball is fucking great.

Plus if you do win then you are a hero who can sign John Lackey, Carl Crawford, and Adrian Gonzalez to half a billion dollars despite all of them being on the wrong side of 30 and nobody will really care. Theo Epstein saw a market inefficiency for general managers getting tons of credit and took it with the Red Sox and now the Cubs. Once he's done with baseball, Epstein would make a hell of a politician.

What is the difference between a film and a movie? What is the difference between biking and cycling? And what is the most pretentious word to describe a regular item or act that you are actually a big fan of?

A film and a movie are the same thing, just awful people say film. Also people who say they are going to the cinema are the worst. Saying you are seeing a film is only funny if you say it ironically, like I went and saw the film Battleship last weekend. 

Biking and cycling might technically be different, but no one knows. However, I do know that if you call it cycling there's a strong chance you have one pant leg rolled up and are wearing skinny jeans.

The most pretentious word I use to describe is probably writing instead of blogging. Calling something you put on Blogspot a piece or an essay is pretty gosh darn awful and I hate myself for it.

Don't be this guy.
Who's first to jettison their signature facial hair, James Harden or Anthony Davis?

Anthony Davis actually got his unibrow trademarked but James Harden has been in commercials with his beard. James Harden looks like an alien without his beard so there's no way he ditches it. Anthony Davis is going to be a big goofy guy in the mold of Shaq before him (well his mold is a few hundred pounds less but you know what I mean). That unibrow ain't going nowhere.

ET Phone home

Mike Stanton totally rebranded himself with a way more awesome name, Giancarlo. Do you think this will catch on, and if so any athletes that should change their generic first names?

Giancarlo is his real name so it wasn't too crazy but I'm all for not having a generic name. LeBron, Kobe, Shaq: those are some cool fucking names. Chipper good lord that's the best word in the English language. The athlete that could best use an upgrade -- and is lucky that I have the perfect name for him -- is Aaron Rodgers. His name is a solid B now but it could be better. Imagine, just imagine if he rebranded himself as, wait for it...

Ralphonzo Rodgers.


  1. Your blogging partner Jon won't be surprised that I have compiled a list of the 25 greatest Jewish athletes ever. My top top 3 are 1) Mark Spitz; 2) Sandy Koufax; and 3) Daniel Mendoza, a Jew who was British heavyweight boxing champ from 1792-1795 and credited with inventing "scientific boxing" and improving perceptions of Jews in England.

    1. Those all sounds like very good choices. I think it is fair to say that my list involved a lot less research and thought.

      Also, I think there has been an effort on the part of all of us to tone down the language. Thanks for letting us know that we were swearing too much and using it as a crutch.