Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters XVI



Ladies. Your letters:

Was Monday night's Broncos-Chargers game a massive choke or a great comeback? Also, has Peyton Manning's forehead always been that red and splotchy or is it worse now? Full disclosure, this is the first time I've ever had HDTV to watch games so may have just never noticed how bad it is.

So I didn't watch the game last night because I was at work for much of it and exhausted when I got home. Sure, I could've DVRed it, but I'm not some nerd who watches Monday Night Football religiously. That's dumb. I'm going with a Norvtastic collapse with a sprinkle of Peyton Manning being great. Not just any team and not just any offense could have seized that opportunity as the Broncos did, so I can't blame it solely on a collapse.

As an expert on Peyton Manning's forehead, I can tell you this: it's the Jay Leno's chin of foreheads. There's an icon for ya.


What are your feelings about narrative vis-a-vis sports?

Bad.

Who do you find more annoying: Apple fanboys or Apple haters? Or do you just want to bludgeon anyone who spends that much time thinking about a specific brand?

Whom do I find more annoying, you ask (presumably)? Here's a real question: how is Steve Jobs a hero? Is it because he's dead? He was a very smart, innovative guy who made a lot of money. He was important to the world in profound and specific ways, sure. That doesn't make him a GD hero. He made assholes' lives better in some ways (myself included), but does he make the world better? Are people in general better off because of Steve Jobs and Apple? I think it's a legitimate question. He changed the way we get information, the way we do business, and largely the way we live. Did he make it better? In some ways, sure, probably. In many other ways, no, probably not. He screwed a lot of people and made many people's lives worse. That doesn't necessarily make him a good or bad person, but he's certainly not a hero. Y'know who else changed the world in profound ways? HITLER. The comparison is perfect.

We all spent a lot of time debating the AL MVP, or more precisely, dispelling the notion that there should be a debate at all, but who do you think deserves it in the NL?

Obviously Craig Kimbrel. HE'S HISTORIC. But seriously, this is a pretty tough question. I think ultimately, I'd have to go with Gerald Posey. Jesus, his real name is even less manly than his nickname. In any event, Buster edges out Ryan Braun (and perhaps Andrew McCutchen) for a couple of reasons. Firstly, he's only .007 behind Braun in wOBA, and he's slightly ahead of Braun in WAR on both Baseball-Reference.com and FanGraphs. He is, all things considered, an above average defender at catcher, whereas Braun is average or slightly below average in left field. I don't buy into the notion that the MVP's team needed to be a contender, but the MVP voters do believe that, so that will boost Posey to be the clear MVP winner this year. However, I think he deserves the MVP even without the "led his team to victory" argument. I mean, for Christ's sake, Posey led the NL in OBP and he's a GD catcher. That's soooooooooo valuable.

Parity in the NFL seems to have stepped up a level. The AFC East, for instance, currently has a four-way tie at 3-3 right now. Through six weeks, the AFC actually only has two teams above .500 - the Texans who just got throttled by Green Bay, and the Ravens, who have now lost three of their five best defenders - so it's possible that the conference is just full of bad teams. According toFootball Outsiders' DVOA rankings, the AFC currently has the eight worst teams in football (CIN, NYJ, CLE, BUF, OAK, KC, JAC, TEN), while the worst NFC team, coming in at 24th, is New Orleans. The NFC also has seven of the top ten teams, with Seattle sneaking in ahead of Baltimore at number ten. Would you agree with this assessment of the league?

I'd just like to point something out about this question. It's a complete analysis of something, followed by a yes or no question. This is like an entire post unto itself. This question would be filed under "The Opposite of Not Ungood Questions." I just posted this as an example, to let everyone know that this is not what this segment is about.

Who are the top 6 NFL teams at this point? Is it different from what you expect at the end of the season?

Through Week 6, here are the top 6! Also, we must recall that the first three weeks almost don't count because the replacement refs WERE THAT BAD. By the way, I'm approaching this by thinking about who has performed the best, but also looking forward. So for instance, the Ravens are not on this list because of major injuries. Great.

6. Something is making me not say the Patriots, and I'm gonna go with the Denver Broncos
5. New York Giants
4. San Francisco 49ers
3. Houston Texans
2. Atlanta Falcons
1. THE BEARS?!?!?!?!

Yeah so this is a bit of a weird list. Found nowhere in the Top 6 are the Patriots and Packers, and these are teams I definitely thought would be there. The #1 team for me came out of nowhere. I thought the Bears would be good, but not this good. Also, t
he Patriots could VERY easily be 6-0. They lost to the Ravens by 1 in Baltimore, the Seahwaks in Seattle by 1, and the Cardinals at home by 2. The Patriots could easily be on top of this list, and they kind of should be at least on it, but their play has been too inconsistent, and I have no indication that they'll be trending upward and getting their act together in the near future. The Broncos, on the other hand, seem to be getting their act together and trending upward right now, and that's why I'm putting them ahead of the Pats on this list.

The teams that I expect to rise into this list are, as noted, the Packers and Patriots. I wouldn't be surprised to see Atlanta and New York fall off, and I think those two teams will end up being better than Denver in the end. And I'm still not counting out New Orleans woo boy crawdad crawdad.

What was your reaction to Jeter getting hurt? Are you of the school of thought that you should never cheer opponent's injuries?

Obviously, you don't want the guy to get hurt. I never cheer for athletes' injuries, except OBVIOUSLY Kobe. I don't hate Derek Jeter, by the way. I don't think he should be blamed for any of the terrible and fellatiatic writing that comes out about him. So I'm not happy that he broke his ankle. I'm sure that hurts. But I wasn't surprised. His ankle problems are well known, and he was taking cortisone shots constantly to deal with the pain. If you're taking that much cortisone, something is gonna break eventually.

How the hell do Tom Brady's teammates let a Seahawks defender talk shit to him after the game ends? What the hell did he put all those fat fucks in Visa commercials for if he isn't going to have 1500 pounds of ass kickers around at all times?

The Patriots OBVIOUSLY never stoop to that level. It's the Patriot Way.

How do you feel about Jason terry/Avery Bradley replacing Ray Allen? And Allen's decision to go to Miami?

I asked my friend "Typical Ed" from "fackin' Summavull" to answer this question for me. Take it away, Ed.


RAY ALLEN IS A FACKIN' PIECE OF FACKIN' GAAAAAAHBAGE! HOW DAYUH HE GO TO THE FACKIN' MIAMI HEAT?! FACKIN' GINGEABALLS DANNY FACKIN' AINGE LET HIM GO, FACKIN' REDHEADED PIECE OF FACKIN' DONKEY SHIT! RED AUABACH GAWD BLESS HIS FACKIN' SOUL WOULDA NEVA LET A PLAYA LIKE THAT FACKIN' WAWK AWAY FROM THE GREATEST FACKIN' TEAM IN THE ENTIAH FACKIN' NBA!

BUT LET THAT DICKHEAD RAY ALLEN BURN IN FACKIN' HELL CUZ WE GAWT THE TWO BEST FACKIN' SHOOTIN' GAHDS IN THE WHOLE FACKIN' LEAGUE! IF AVERY FACKIN' BRADLEY DIDN'T HURT HIS FACKIN' SHOULDIZ WE WOULDA FACKIN' WHOOPED THE HEAT THOSE FACKIN' BASTIDS! I ONCE SAW-R-AVERY BRADLEY AT DUNKIN' FACKIN' DONITS AND HE ANSWID ALL MY QUESTIONS AND SIGNED MY FACKIN' TAWM BRADY JERSEY! WHAT A TROOPAH! AND JASON FACKIN' TERRY REFUSES TO FACKIN' LOSE BABY! HE GAWT A FACKIN' CELTICS TATTOO! I GAWT A FACKIN' CELTICS TATTOO BACK IN '86! IT'S FACKIN' LARRY BIRD'S FACE AWN ONE BAWLL AND FACKIN' KEVIN MCHALE'S FACE AWN THE OTHA! AND I GAWT CAHL YASTRZEMSKI'S BAT AWN MY FACKIN' PECKAH! YAZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

YOU CAN TAKE YA FAGGY THREE POINTIZ AND SHOVE 'EM UP YA FACKIN' RECTUM RAY ALLEN YOU GAWDDAMN FAIRY BASTID!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa okay that's enough, Ed.

See ya next week.

1 comment:

  1. Typical ED should come to our next Superbowl party to help us all work on our accents- all being everyone except me, because mine in perfect
    Gawddamnit.

    ReplyDelete