Thursday, November 1, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters becomes Legal

We finally turned 18, so it's time to discuss porns, swears, voting, and tobackies, plus all your other questions. This week we tackle the important issues this election week like dick euphemisms, the third trilogy, and friends of NFL athletes.

This is the only appropriate image on the Internet on this subject

If you had to choose one pizza topping for your pizza that isn't meat, what would you choose? There can only be one topping on this pizza.

Not having meat on a pizza is un-American first of all and second of all I'd choose mushrooms. Mushrooms have a lot of flexibility: they kind of look like meat, which makes me still feel a little manly. Assuming I can still dump red pepper shavings and oregano and all that crap on my slice, I'm totally fine. Honorable mention to tortellinis, ziti, jalapeno peppers, and pesto.

So the new Star Wars trilogy is obviously gonna suck. But what if, by some miracle, they got the main character to be played by some incredible actor like Daniel Day-Lewis or Meryl Streep. What would the odds then be of the movie being great?

The odds it being great went way down once I realized that they had no actual story. There is just $4 billion in George Lucas' bank account but no idea of what to do with these movies. Obviously, I'm going to see them hoping they are great but I think Lucas said it himself: the story of Star Wars is the Darth Vader tragedy. I don't really think anyone cares to see another adventure with the original gang -- Han, Luke, Leia, Chewy -- since they've already f'ed shit up for three movies. Maybe, maybe, maybe in the right hands this thing could be great. Also, the idea of Daniel Day-Lewis submerging himself in character as a Jedi Knight for the duration of filming is hilarious.

Never forget

If there was a full blackout in NYC after the hurricane, would people have started looting? More importantly, would you?

Finally a question by someone concerned with the real issues. I went into Lower Manhattan yesterday in the day which was fine, a little I Am Legendy but people were still going about their regular business more or less. However, at night, especially the first night, I heard it was rat city and spooky as hell. If I couldn't get into my apartment building like I imagine many people I'd sure as hell go looting. Problem is that so many store owners are already super prepared to be robbed, with metal gates and locks and shit, that it'd be really hard to loot. Basically, you could nab some street meat, but those guys are all cool as shit. So yes, I would totally loot but unfortunately I don't know where. 

How will the storm affect the election?

Well if Chris Christie has anything to say between throbs on the POTUS penis, he'd say vote Obama. We here stay away from politics, but suffice to say, Obama seems to have done a prettay prettay good job here and we were all spared a couple of days of election talk. Hopefully people can vote and all that shit. Yay democracy. Enjoy Chris Christie's FUPA.

It's too easy.

Which NFL quarterback's best friend do you think is the coolest? Least cool? Try to think outside the box and not pick fucking Aaron Rodgers for this. It's played out. We know you like the Packers.

Every instinct in me is saying to pick Rodgers for both. But I'm beholden to the questions. The QB with the coolest friend is probably someone from some place cool, not fucking like Dillon, Texas. You want someone younger so their friends aren't like married and settled down and boring. And you don't want a QB to have been so successful that their friends would all be huge douches. 

The answer for coolest is Matt Schaub. I know that answer sucks, but think of the alternatives. If you aren't a huge jerk, you are a huge derp, Hollywood, from somewhere awful, super religious, or so shitty at football that being your friend would be awkward on Sundays. Schaub is good not great at QB. He isn't so old that he can't fuck shit up, he went to UVa (a very cool place), and he has one assault arrest so I know he's not a narc.

Least cool has so many good candidates. Roethlisberger and Vick are obvious for moral reasons. Rivers and Cutler are easy for being huge assholes. Brady, Sanchez, Tebow, and the Mannings would probably have insufferable friends (I'm thinking E from Entourage but even worse). However, the answer is easy. Andy Dalton. No one wants to be friends with a ginger. No one.

Shaggy red hair is even worse. Jesus

What's your prediction for who will have the best dunk in the NBA season this year?

In the non-Blake category, I'm going with Gerald Green. He might have the best leaping ability of anyone in the NBA. The problem is that he's not very good at basketball. 

But anyone who can do this has to be the favorite.

If you could choose to live your life in any cartoon TV show or movie, what would you choose?

Talking animals is pretty cool. I'd go with Arthur. I have a solid life, I learn a lot of lessons, I get to be friends with many different animals, and I'm kid-friendly. 

Best euphemism for "penis"

I think I say dick so often that penis is more a euphemism for dick at this point. However, that doesn't necessarily make it the best. Some good options are member, junior, and that man, but the real answer is purple headed yogurt slinger. Take it away Dawson.

What would Celtic fans most like to see happen to Ray Allen - like if a tragic accident should befall him

I think you have to go with him being Monstared here. The thought of Ray Allen getting trash talked by a little girl in a street ball game, or not catching the ball from the ref on the free throw would be hilarious. Lamely, this is also the plot of a Kevin Durant movie that may or may not have come straight to DVD this summer. The Monstars were lacking at shooting guard which is how Jordan exploited them. Ask any Knicks fan if LJ and Ewing can stop Jordan. Now you put Jesus Shuttlesworth out there and all of a sudden Jordan only wins three rings and is stuck in perpetuity on Moron Mountain.

That's it for this week. Thanks for your questions. Send them to Steve next week.

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