Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters: My President is Black, My Lambo's Blue


Ron Paul and Mitch McConnell can commence nard-sucking at their earliest convenience.

Your letters:

If Alabama were to play an NFL team 100 times, how many would they win?

I understand that this question is still a thing, but I think everyone knows the answer. Alabama, if they were playing the worst NFL team (let's say the Chiefs), would get destroyed. Just killcrushed*. Slaymurdered*. First of all, sure, Alabama's a great college football team. They're undefeated. But let's not forget: they just eked out a 4-point victory against LSU, which is another college football team, which is also not even close to as good as an NFL team.

I know the old argument is kind of tired, but it's true: the Chiefs, on their 52-man roster, have at LEAST like 45 legitimate NFL players. Alabama, on their roster, have AT MOST 8 guys who are good enough to be NFL players right now, and maybe another 4-5 who will be once they finish college. The difference is staggering. And sure, maybe Alabama's 8 NFL players are better than many of Kansas City's 45. But that left tackle out of Klanville is gonna get EATEN UP by a real NFL defensive lineman. The weaknesses of the non-NFL quality players would get exploited to the Nth degree by real Kansas City Chiefs. Kansas City would win at least 98 matchups between the two teams (hey, the Chiefs are still human).

Rank some inner-state sport rivalries: Mets v. Yankees, Clippers v. Lakers, Bills/Jets/Giants etc.

All those in-state rivalries are terrible. Are those even rivalries? GETTIN' JAZZED FOR THAT JETS-BILLS GAME BRO. The Clippers have been relevant for a total of like 5 seasons. And the inter-conference in-state rivalries (Giants/Jets, Mets/Yankees) are not rivalries, because those teams play each other so infrequently. I think people try to hype these up a lot, and it would be cool if they were real, but they're just not. Piss-poor in-state non-rivalries include Cardinals-Royals, Astros-Rangers, Phillies-Pirates, Rockets-Spurs, and Cubs-White Sox, to name only a few.

The best in-state rivalry of them all is obviously Giants-Dodgers. They were in-state rivals in New York and now they are in California. They're a top-3 rivalry in baseball, and probably a top-5 in all of sports. So they're #1. They're really the only historic, great rivalry of in-state foes. What's next, like Bengals-Browns? These are all the worst. Maybe I'm missing some big ones. What am I gonna do, go research this? I ain't no nerd.

As a history nerd, are you super excited for the Lincoln movie? Also thoughts on Daniel Day-Lewis and his intense method acting?

The second part of your question may shock you, readers who don't know THE REAL ME: I've never seen a Daniel Day-Lewis movie. I mean, he had very small roles in Gandhi and A Room With a View, which I have seen, but I don't remember him in them, and they're not really "his" movies. Not There Will Be Blood. Not Gangs of New York. Nothing. The other bloggers can attest to the fact that I've seen a total of about a baker's dozen movies in my lifetime.

But that being said, yeah I'm pretty excited. I heard it's really good, and as a history nerd, it should be great. They better portray William Seward like the GLORY SECRETARY OF STATE* that he was.

If you had to pick one food that symbolized each sport, what would they be?

Baseball: Gotta be down between hot dogs and apple pie. IS THIS A GREAT GAME OR WHAT?! Obviously, the TRUE symbol of having gone to a Major League Baseball game is getting the little helmet that  ballpark ice cream comes in. Whoever thought of that is one of the greatest-ever pioneers of souvenir technology. A SOUVENEER.

Basketball: Basketball is the coolest sport. What's the coolest food? Cucumbers.

Football: You hate yourself for watching football and loving it every time someone gets JACKED UP, but you continue to watch it because you can't control yourself and, hey, what else are you supposed to do on Sunday? READ?!?!? I think similar feelings apply to Chinese take-out. Seeing the effects that 137 concussions had on Troy Aikman's ability to string together a sentence is kind of like having honorable diarrhea for 6 hours. You know what's gonna happen, but it's not like you're gonna do anything differently.

Hockey: The NHL keeps not having a season and no one cares except a few weirdos, who are DEVASTATED, and those people will be way over-excited when it comes back. So, McRib.

Am I wrong or has this been a pretty boring NFL season?

Boring? No, I don't think it's been particularly boring. The replacement refs fiasco was a lot of things, but boring was not one of them. I guess Atlanta's the best team, and they could be construed as boring. But you got the Jets sucking and a giant NY Tebowner, RGThrizzle being awesome to watch, Peyton Manning on a new team, and plenty of close divisions and borderline teams to watch. I think it's been a normally engaging NFL season.

As we get older we basically become everything we hated when we were younger, coffee drinking, NPR listening, tools. Were we wrong when we were younger or do we suck now? There's no in-between.

Did I hate coffee drinkers when I was younger? Well I'm not sure, but I get the message. Yeah y'know how in The Breakfast Club, when the weird girl's talking about When you become an adult, your soul dies. Totally true. Nailed that one. The answer is ZEFINITELY that we suck now.

How much does the NBA first half matter for the actual final results of a season? Basically, when do you start buying into things being real (like the Knicks being better than expected or the Lakers struggling)?

I think these are two completely different questions. The answer to the first question is that, for teams that are actually good, the first half is really important. You want to jump out and win 30 of those first 40 games so you can coast at .500 and rest your guys for the second half of the season. In terms of when we can start buying into stuff...yeah we're like 3 or 4 games in, we really can't buy into anything. Like literally nothing. We have learned 0 things about how any team will turn out. Stop trying to believe that the Knicks will be this good, reader I assume to be a Knicks fan.

J.J. Watt is clearly the best player on the Titans, who appear to be the best team in the AFC. He's the presumptive DPOY through 9 weeks, but does he have a case for MVP? Should a non-quarterback ever win it?

You obviously mean the Texans. Anyway, yeah, I guess he's been really good. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up winning Defensive Player of the Year. I really don't think he has a case for MVP, though. Sure, he's been great, but how much effect does 1 defensive player have compared to 1 offensive skill player? He's been unbelievable at DE, but that basically means like...a sack and a pass defended every game, along with all the other coverages and rushes and tackles and stuff. I'm not saying that's not important, but it's nothing compared to a quarterback getting the ball every down. A quarterback is so much more valuable than a defensive end in the grand scheme of things.

I think quarterbacks should pretty much usually get it, but running backs are also fine with me in many circumstances. Running backs can have that kind of huge effect on a team's performance. I don't see a running back winning one in the current NFL, but the league changes so often and so drastically that maybe in the not-so-near future, we could have another Shaun Alexander.

Baseball feels like it finished forever ago, yet we still don't know most of the major award winners. Why is this so protracted? Should the MLB move the awards up?

Football and basketball just announce the winners during the playoffs, right? While I do find this to be a little better than baseball's current system, it's just ITCHING to build up awful sports narrative. LeBron winning the MVP and then losing in the playoffs was just about the worst thing ever. It makes idiot steakhead sports personalities be like WELL HE'S THE MVP, HE'S GOTTA LEAD HIS TEAM TO VICTORY! They somehow forget that a whole team is also attached to that MVP. So I would have the MLB awards be announced like the day after the World Series. It'd be like a nice little Pro Bowl (how the Pro Bowl used to be): something decently meaningless that lets you hold on to the season a tiny bit longer. Waiting 8 months like they do now is ridiculous.

How long before we start talking about the 2016 election? Does that start up tomorrow?

Oh it BEEN started up. To be fair, I Googled "potential 2016 candidates" today. It's like the Pro Bowl thing. I'm hanging on to the election for a tiny bit longer, because it just ends so abruptly at the climax. I need a way to bring myself down from my erection (in case anyone wants to believe that wasn't an "election boner" pun, sorry, it was).

*copyright Drew Magary. Screw you guys, he's my hero.


  1. The reader who asked about the Knicks was probably just saying that they will be better than expected not this good. Bc no team can win every game by 20 points while holding their opponents under 85 ppg. No team!

    1. I'll I'm saying is, through 3-4 games, we can't tell if they'll probably be better than expected.

  2. Kings-Lakers a decade ago wasn't bad. Same with Spurs-Mavs the last decade.

  3. In-state rivalries are much more compelling at the college level: Florida-Florida State, Alabama-Auburn, USC-UCLA, North Carolina-Duke, even Wisconsin-Marquette. And don't forget Carleton-St. Olaf.

    1. Very true. Just like the ol' Bryant-RIC rivalry of my childhood. No but seriously very true.

  4. Buenas dias-
    I'm the artist who drew the "Obama Said Knock You Out" up top.
    Thanks so much for diggin' it enough to use it in your post.
    If so inclined, you can find more of my artistic shenanigans @

    1. ¡Muchas gracias!
      Yeah, I found LL's tweet yesterday after I discovered a significant spike at my site. I can't tell you how over the moon I was...

      Now if I can just get President Obama to see it, I would be a very happy boy indeed!

      Thanks again for the support.