Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Whole 42 Letters: Back in Business



Thanks to our special guest for handling last week's letters. What a great job he did. Now it's back to your normal three-man rotation. Sean will hopefully be able to resume his normal letter-answering duties (doodies?) shortly. He has finals winals boo boo bee boo I need to study I'm so busy wusy!

And now, hither and yon:

Are you doing anything different on the 21st to celebrate the Mayan apocalypse? Also, what percent of you believes the world will end that day? What about any given day?

To answer your first question, no, I don't think I'll do anything differently to celebrate. Maybe I'll just stay home inside the house so I won't be exposed to the apocalypse happening outside. As long as you're in the house, you can't get apocalypsed. BESIDES, THIS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE FISCAL CLIFF A-HA HA HA CHORTLE.

As for the second question, I'm like a little less sure that the world won't end tomorrow than I normally am. I mean, there's always a decent shot at today being the day that the world will end, right? You guys know about supervolcanoes? Yellowstone National Park basically is one. If that thing explodes, we're donezo. Finito. Syonara. And that could go off at any time without warning, right? If that happens on the 21st, will the Mayans have been right? I don't know, maybe, probably, I don't know. It could happen though.

I'm also really annoyed by everyone who has things to say about this 2012 thing (including myself). The people who are convinced that the world will end are obviously really annoying, but they're pretty marginalized. But the people who are the MOST annoying are the people who are like 'You guys, that's totally not what the Mayans meant.' This shit isn't coming from, like, Mayan historians either. It's coming from normal people and regular journalists and stuff. HOW DO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE MAYANS MEANT?! Oh no no no I'm sure you understand the subtleties of Mayan culture and spirituality. Everyone shut up.

Last thing on this, and then I'll move on: I heard one decently ingenious dismissal of the 2012 thing. The Mayans didn't account for leap years in their calendar, so the date that they projected to be December 21, 2012 happened a long time ago. I like that one.

Best Xmas song. Worst Xmas song.

STOP TAKING THE CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS. Or is it stop putting the Christ into Xmas? It's hard to know for sure.

Best Christmas song: The 12 Days of Christmas. In my opinion, it has the most potential for hilarious parody. 12 Poopers Pooping, 11 Pee-ers Peeing, 10 Farters Farting, etc. It's great. Worst Christmas song: Away in a Manger. It's a song that kind of goes nowhere, and it's just annoying. Plus everyone who sings it just goes 'aaaaaWAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY in a manger, fneh fneh fneh...' I'm not sure there are even other words in the song. It's annoying.

Would you ride a llama if given the opportunity?

No, obviously not. I don't want to get anywhere near a llama. Llamas are really scary animals. AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'm a little girl who's scared of everything.

Tons of people who aren't Christian even nominally celebrate Christmas. You're a big Catholic (also your family goes to church and what not), how do you feel about this? Stealing your holiday or the more the merrier?

My feeling is that the Christians are the ones that bastardized Christmas in the first place. The people who celebrated it all along made it so commercial, and they're the ones who made it supremely annoying. It's just an American holiday now. It's completely ubiquitous. You can't help but celebrate it. You almost just have to make a point NOT to celebrate it if you don't want to.

The only time this scenario would annoy me is if a non-Christian I knew celebrated Christmas but then got all mad at me for celebrating their religion's holiday. If you get a Christmas tree, I get to play dreidel and shit. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GELT!

I was at a store the other day where the sale was 10 2-liter bottles for $10 and a part of me really wanted to buy 20 liters of soda (this deal was only good if I bought 10 bottles because the store is run by fascists). Ultimately I decided that was idiotic, but what's the number at which you would have made the same decision? 

I love having soda in the house. I only drink diet soda because I'm watching my figure (while ignoring the growing Sweet 'n' Low tumor), but it's still the greatest thing. I know I should always just drink water, but when I have a 12er of Fresca in the house, I'm 100X happier.

That being said, this question all comes down to storage capacity. If I have my car with me, I'll do the 10 for $10 in a heartbeat. No questions asked. It's SUCH a good deal. If I'm walking, I'll only get 1 liter at a time. But if I have the car, I guess my limit would be...I guess like 20 maybe? 20 for $20? $20 is like very upper limit of what I'll spend on anything at any given time. So that's where I'll settle.

How many NBA games should there be on Christmas?

Four. One at 1pm, one at 4pm, one at 7pm, one at 10pm. All national games. Holiday sports are the best. You're at home anyway, and it's not like you're worrying about doing anything else. Just plop yourself on the couch, play with your sweet new toys, and watch basketball. That's why Jesus was born. OH BUT SHOULDN'T EVERYONE JUST BE HOME WITH THEIR FAMILIES FOR CHRISTMAS?! Boo GD hoo. There are concessionists in movie theaters and janitors and food service people at colleges who can't take the day off, so I don't know why NBA staff should be any different. YOU EXIST FOR MY AMUSEMENT.

What do you want for Christmas?

An end to AIDS. Or this blog to really take off. No actually yeah just the second one would be good.

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