Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Hating on the 11 Playoff Teams that aren't the Packers

I'm a lot of things, but I certainly am not objective when it comes to sports. If you've read any single thing I have ever written for this blog, you'll know that I hate most teams that aren't mine. So, why not put all of that hate into one post on every NFL playoff team that is fighting with my Packers for the Super Bowl?

Hit me baby

Seahawks: Seattle is a miserable miserable place (I'm assuming here because hell no I've never been there) that just rains and loses NBA teams. The Seahawks have never been good. Their best player ever is either Shaun Alexander or Joey Galloway. This year's team is especially disgusting. As always, they are led by Pete Carroll who, of course, paid his college players, got caught, and left USC. Their defense is physical and huge, or you know half their secondary got caught for taking banned substances. The NFL has already given them one win they didn't deserve this season and they are led by great leader Russell Wilson: a 5'10'' quarterback who cannot see over his line. Every time an announcer talks about Wilson's character, every Seahawks fan should take a soy frappe caramel macchiatto quadruple shot until their heart explodes.

Redskins: Dan Snyder is one of the worst humans in sports and has done nothing good with this team over the past 15 years. As awesome as RGIII is, you just know that Snyder will screw this up or he will get hurt. Washington is a weak sports town that cares about their teams when they are good and ignores them when they suck. The Redskins went 10-6 against the typically horrible and dysfunctional NFC East. The NFC East should be Exhibit A for East Coast bias in the media. These four teams haven't been good, with the exception of two ridiculously lucky Giants playoff runs, since the early '90s, yet the media plays up their "rivalries" like they are the epitome of great football. The Redskins have won one playoff game in the past 12 years against a Bucs team QB'ed by Chris Simms and have had Mark Brunell, Jason Campbell, Donovan McNabb, Brad Johnson, and Rex Grossman as their QBs.

Vikings: Minnesota plays in a crappy stadium that can't hold up in a snowstorm despite being in Minnesota. They have basically wasted the best running back of this generation because they were either starting Tarvaris Jackson and Christian Ponder or putting 12 men in their huddle in the NFC Championship game against the Saints. They lucked into the playoffs by playing a 4th place schedule and winning a tiebreaker over the Bears. The Vikings are also one of the few teams to never ever win a Super Bowl; in fact they haven't even made the Super Bowl since 1977.

Falcons: They are 13-3 and no one respects them at all. They were the #1 seed in 2010 and got blown out at home by the Packers. This year that honor will go to the Seahawks most likely. I hate to say it as a Braves fan, but Atlanta sports teams are great at making the playoffs and not going anywhere. Mike Smith might just be the new Bobby Cox. Michael Turner runs about a 6-second 40 at this point in his career, but because he is a bigger name and makes more money, he takes carries away from the infinitely better Jacquizz Rodgers. If you don't believe me, wait until he gets stuffed on 4th and 1 at a key moment.

49ers: Colin Kaepernick is good at all the non-throwing parts of being a QB. Their defense is great but that was the case last year when they couldn't score against the Giants in OT. They needed 10 quarters to finally beat a crappy Rams team. Harbaugh is a beloved coach except for the fact that he hasn't won anything yet. He might be a genius coach, he might be Belichick West, but until he actually wins anything he's just an asshole who benched Alex Smith for having a concussion.


Ravens: Joe Flacco called himself an elite quarterback. That's all.

Colts: It's hard to hate on a team that has had such an awesome season with Andrew Luck and Chuck Pagano's fight with leukemia. That being said, there's still Jim Irsay. He's been doing his best James Dolan impression for a long time, and if he weren't blessed with Peyton Manning, this team would have been Redskins AFC.

Texans: Matt Schaub is a UVA guy so I'm biased towards him, but even I know he isn't very good. He is a lot closer to Joe Flacco's tier of QBs than Matt Ryan/Eli/Roethlisberger/Romo/Rivers. Andre Johnson is one of the best receivers in the game and Arian Foster is amazing, yet he still can't put up big numbers. Their defense is basically JJ Watt, so if he has a bad game or goes against a smart team, they can get destroyed. They also blew a game against the Colts who had nothing to play for and lost home field advantage as a result.

Bengals: Marvin Lewis is an idiot coach who has only kept his job because the owner is too cheap to hire someone else. Andy Dalton's ceiling is Matt Hasselbeck, which isn't a compliment. AJ Green is an awesome player but you know the Bengals have had plenty of great seasons by their receivers and done nothing. They will happily settle in as a team that's always on the cusp of the playoffs but not a real threat to ever win anything.

Broncos: Growing up rooting for Brett Favre, I was blind to how annoying everyone in sports was about him. Since his retirement, I've watched enough Peyton Manning to understand why people got so annoyed about Favre. The Broncos and Patriots are going to play in the AFC Championship and it is going to be disgusting. ESPN talking heads are getting full chubs at the mere thought of Brady-Manning. Pray that it doesn't happen or turn off your TV for a week.

Patriots: This is just too easy. Between Belichick cheating, Tom Brady throwing temper tantrums week in and week out, and Gisele whining about Tommy's receivers dropping passes, the Patriots are the most hateable team in the NFL. The burning question I have for this team is: at what point are they going to blow it? My bet is the second half of the Super Bowl against the Packers.

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