Saturday, January 5, 2013

What's Really Important: Ranking Starting QBs' Names

We've reached the end of the NFL regular season, and before we say good-bye to the 20 teams that didn't make the playoffs, I'd like to do one more very important exercise: ranking each team's starting QB by name.

The definition of "starting quarterback" will mean whoever was the team's chosen starting quarterback by the end of this season, for the most part. There are some gray areas for complicated teams (Eagles, Jets, Cardinals, etc.), but you'll get the picture.

The names are to be ranked by overall quarterbackness. For instance, Joe Montana tops the all-time list of quarterback names. God what a quarterbacky name. And Colt McCoy would probably top the list now if he were a starter.

So, without further ado, your list:

Names that shouldn't be names
32. Christian Ponder
31. Brandon Weeden
30. Colin Kaepernick

Names that are cool in a lame way, making them even lamer than they should be
29. Andrew Luck
28. Jake Locker
27. Drew Brees

The "boo boo bee boo" names (as in, you can easily picture this person saying "Boo boo bee boo, I'm ________!" For example, "Boo boo bee boo, I'm Kyle Orton!")
26. Ryan Lindley
25. Brady Quinn
24. Chad Henne
23. Jay Cutler
22. Philip Rivers
21. Andy Dalton
20. Eli Manning
19. Peyton Manning

Last name that's a first name
18. Matt Ryan

First name that's a last name
17. Carson Palmer

Last name that's a terrible first name
16. Sam Bradford
15. Tom Brady

Names that make me feel absolutely nothing, like an alcoholic stepfather looking at his wife's bastard son (oddly, these are some of the best names on this list)
14. Matt Schaub
13. Mark Sanchez
12. Aaron Rodgers
11. Ryan Fitzpatrick
10. Matthew Stafford
9. Josh Freeman
8. Russell Wilson

Names that are not necessarily good names, but are pretty quarterbacky
7. Ryan Tannehill
6. Cam Newton

Name that's only cool because he's black
5. Robert Griffin III

Names that are kind of slick and sweet
4. Michael Vick
3. Tony Romo

The quarterbackest names in the NFL
2. Ben Roethlisberger
1. Joe Flacco (And he's a paisan!)

Let the debate begin. Enjoy the games!


  1. If it is confusing to spell and most people call him a nickname that's awful (Big Ben) then hell no Roethlisberger isn't #2. Cam Newton should be higher, Rodgers should be higher, Cutler should be higher, and Flaccid should be way lower.

  2. Roethlisberger, Shmoethlisberger. You want great quarterbacking names? Let's look back at when football was football, and field generals were named Jack Concannon (as in powerful arm), Steve Spurrier (evokes spurring on the team and sounds vaguely like a warrior with a spear), Darryl Lamonica (like honey on the tongue and the perfect name for a post-football career as a restauranteur – “Let's get some spaghetti at Lamonica's”), Sid Luckman (sounds smart and successful, like a quarterback who won a championship game 73-0), Roman Gabriel (heroic and angelic) and Sonny Sixkiller (washed out in the NFL, but sounds like a helluva Western gunfighter).