Monday, February 11, 2013

Big Umbrella Needs to Go

Here's a thing: umbrellas are the worst. The Founding Fathers are turning in their graves watching this great nation of ours become a cesspool of umbrellas, rain boots, and puddle fearers. Our society can no longer face a light drizzle without spending a week discussing its impending arrival.  Big Umbrella is behind this all and someone needs to stop them. Oh no! There is a light drizzle! I guess I'll whip out my 6-foot-wide Hello Kitty umbrella and block the entire sidewalk!

Weather can suck. NO ONE DENIES THIS. However, what is actually worse than bad weather is how people react to it. Did you hear it is going to snow a little this weekend? Oh heavens to Betsy. I guess we should talk about it the next week. I have a friend, let's call him Tony, who basically says, and rightly so, that inane chit chat about the weather is the worst possible topic of conversation (except to "obtain information" in his words). That's not even the worst part of our reaction to weather: it is our actual response to slight inconvenience.

Just today, faced with the prospect of a light drizzle, I had to dodge people of all heights carrying big ass umbrellas and wearing grotesquely bright rain boots. Just because the sun ain't out doesn't mean you need to shine some shit in my face. People will use any excuse to wear unsightly rain boots. Someone spit out the window! Time for the galoshes! You look ridiculous, you can walk around or even step over puddles, and you look ridiculous.

Back to umbrellas. Ever trying walking without an umbrella? You are basically asking to get your eye poked out. Somehow as a society we decided that people of all heights should get equal-sized umbrellas so that a person a foot shorter than me can hit me with his or her umbrella any time I try to walk past. First of all, short people have no reason to live. Secondly, they either need to get longer umbrellas or get stuck in the drizzle. Don't inconvenience me because of your disability!

Have you ever actually needed to use an umbrella? 80% of the time you don't remember it. If, miraculously,  you bring it, you will lose it halfway through the day, and if the wind gets above 5 mph then you might as well turn your umbrella inside out because that's what's going to happen. Two people can't share an umbrella without someone getting soaked on one side of their body. Oh and then some people have fancy fucking umbrellas. You aren't Al Roker, you don't need an umbrella that takes up the entire street. You and your six kids aren't using it right now.

Umbrellas are the worst and everyone knows it. If this didn't make up your mind, there is always Rihanna.


  1. Tell Whitlock he's got some competition for the Pulitzer.

  2. An Umbrella in February. That's the absolute worst.

  3. Okay just one thing. All of the umbrellas in that picture are little umbrellas that wouldn't hurt a fly. Gloves come off if you insult umbrellas with ears.