Lakeland, FL - Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reported to Spring Training “in the worst shape of [his] life” and in his words, “ready to dominate.” A visibly sweating Fielder held a press conference where he estimated that he’d gained 30 pounds over the offseason, adding that he was motivated by historically great fat baseball players. “The goal was always [Babe] Ruthian which may be unattainable,” said Fielder, chomping on a t-bone steak that he had kept tender in his alternate first baseman's mitt, “but at least I want to beat Mo Vaughn’s fat [expletive]. That’s what kept me eating day in and day out. That, and a love of ribs.” Asked about the precipitous drop in muscle mass that accompanied the weight gain, Fielder said, “I stopped brushing my teeth with steroids." But he joked, "This added weight is going to push me to new heights. And pant sizes.” At press, Fielder was spotted pleading with teammate Miguel Cabrera to share at least one of his six Egg McMuffins.
* One of my weirder goals in life is to write for The Onion, which is basically my favorite thing. Sometimes, I don't have substantive things to write, but I do have jokes. This was one of those times.