Friday, February 8, 2013

The Whole 42 Letters: BLIZZICANELWAVE

Before we get started, I'd like to take a brief moment to talk about this tweet sent out by the Black Mamba himself, Kobe Bryant. 

Kobe fascinates me more than any other basketball player because he's both so driven and so desperate to tell us how driven he is (this was one of the first things I ever wrote on this here blog). Steve has relayed to me an anecdote from Shaq's autobiography that when the Lakers would freestyle together, Kobe would always come in with something he had already memorized but claim it was "off the dome." So perfect. So Kobe.

So let's break down how many things are crazy about this tweet, sent out after one of the many re-starts in this schadenfreude-filled Lakers season. 
1. Are we supposed to believe that Kobe knows how to play the Moonlight Sonata on the piano? I guess if any player does, it would be Kobe but this does defy logic a bit. I'm a Kobe Twitter Truther. We need a Moonlight Zapruder film.
2. HOW COLD IS IT IN KOBE's HOUSE? Why is he wearing 11 scarves? 
3. Shouldn't he maybe be playing "Heart and Soul" as a duet with Pau Gasol? How fucking selfish are you, Kobe?
4. Why no sheet music? Does Kobe want us to believe that not only do hehave time to learn piano (DESPITE DOIN' WORK ALL DAY ERRYDAY) but that he has memorized this pretty difficult piece of music. Fur Elise, this ain't. 
5. Kobe went to Germany to get his knees fixed. Beethoven was German. SO WAS HITLER. Hmmmmmmmm.
Anyway, I don't know if you guys have heard, but it's a FUCKING SNOWPOCALYPSE. Right outside my window. I've been cooped up inside all day and I've had a healthy amount of whiskey. LET'S DO THIS!

What are we supposed to do on Sundays again?

This right here is the question that depresses me most about the end of football. It's not my favorite sport to watch (that would be baseball), but I love having the routine of watching football every Sunday and eating too much food, the true American pastime. I'll probably replace football with reading or something equally terrible, like catching up on hipster music. 

I thought about DVR'ing some random football game and then watching it at some point during the offseason LIKE FREEZING A SNOWBALL UNTIL JULY. But it just wouldn't be the same. 

How many sweaters is it cool to own?

I own three sweaters, but I'd say it's wooly up to you.

(I'll leave.)

As I'm writing this post, the Lakers are 3 games back of a playoff spot in the West, Pau is out for at least 6 weeks, D12 isn't gonna be 100% ever, and trade rumors are circulating. What percentage chance do you give the Lakers to make the playoffs?

First off, I think this is more of a question than a post. Second, I believe this is the fourth time this question has been posed in a mailbag, and I've been probably the least optimistic regarding the Lakers' chances of these three intrepid bloggists (who are we kidding? We're journalists). I'd put it at 30% and that's only because I think the Trail Blazers are fading fast and the Lakers would then only have to beat out Houston. 

The last few years, the 8th seed in the West has needed at minimum 48 wins, meaning the Lakers would have to go 25-7 in years past. Of course this is the year they'll probably only need 44 (which still means they'd need to finish the season 21-11). Not at all a guarantee, but I could see it happening. This scenario would be awesome, by the way, because the Thunder would annihilate the Lakers and I would a. get to cheer Kobe losing and b. collect on a bet I made with Sean right after the Howard trade about which team would win in a series.

Super Bowl...more like STUPID BOWL. Right?


Any new Crockpot recipes you'd like to share?

I'm the worst and recently bought a Crockpot, and it's awesome. I just throw some stuff in there, let it stew, and it does the cooking for me! I've made chili and bean soup so far, but tomorrow I'm throwing some coffee, sugar and whiskey and lettin' that sucker stay warm all day. Gettin' drunk for the PANTS-FREE BLIZZARD! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

When was the last time you fell down? You can have 2 answers... One involving alcohol and one not.

If you mean completely eat it, it's been a while since I've fallen, alcohol aided or not. If you mean, just stumble and look foolish, then every day. Damn.

I did fall and destroy my ankle about a year ago and I've been meaning to post this picture ever since Serena made ankle injuries cool. I normally have Hobbit feet, but this was a bit extreme. By the way, that's far from the grossest picture of my swollen foot I have; I'm just being polite.

FYI: Steve made the shot I was trying to block.

What would happen in a Super Bowl in which you and one of your brothers were the opposing head coaches? 

I would win, for I am a tactical genius. YOU SHALL BOW DOWN TO MY MAGIC: THE GATHERING SKILLS. I would make sure to feed ESPN plenty of human interest stories about how we all text and occasionally argue and do things that all human siblings do.

Seriously, though... I'm awesome at Magic: The Gathering.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Hopefully, I'll have moved on to The Whole 43 Minutes by then. Get it, fellas? ... Fellas?

I actually have no idea where I'll be but that doesn't really bother me all that much. Because I'll either have a flying carbon-footprintless car by then or we'll be well on our way to the Hunger Games. (Note: I have not read the Hunger Games.)

Which brand of beer did you drink during the Super Bowl and why?

I bought a twelver of Sam Adams (the Winter Variety Pack), which was a big mistake because it contains two white beers, and I really hate white beers. If anyone wants them, come on over and drink them. Next year, I'm going back to Magic Hat.

Gus Johnson is calling the World Cup in 2018. Does this make up for the US get screwed in 2022?

Almost. Soccer may not exist by then, though. Soccer, to put it in the words of Brian Phillips, is fucked.

Do you ever yearn?

I mean, I guess I yearn sometimes. More of a non-sexualized lust I think. And mainly for food.

How much impact did the power outage have on the teams' performances in the Super Bowl?

I would say it had very little impact on the teams' level of play. I think this is an instance where the level of play changed (along with the play-calling philosophies, which would have happened anyway because the Ravens wanted to run out the clock and the 49ers needed to score fast) and everyone assumed that it was because of the power outage. I don't really buy into that theory though. (For instance, the Ravens stopped the 49ers immediately after the power outage.)

I think it's more of a retro-fit narrative than a real event. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, if you will.

What do you think is the most popular food item that most people have in their houses that basically everyone buys and more or less no one makes homemade? I think it might be crackers.

Seems pretty logical to me. Beer would be the other choice.

Are NFL playoffs following the path of baseball, where any team can just get hot and win?

I think that it's probably more true now than in the past, when the lack of salary cap allowed teams to better stockpile talent, but I think this rash of lower-seeded teams speaks to a different problem, namely that a 16-game sample isn't really enough to determine who is the best team. Even 20 clearly isn't enough, but in order to get a statistically meaningful sample, we would need so many more games so as to make this moot. You do still need a high level of quarterback play, just like you probably need good pitching to win in baseball.

Is Ryan Braun going to get nailed this time?

No clue, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does. I'll obviously give my opinion whenever a ruling is handed down.

Why don't you ever write about the game of lawn darts?

I honestly didn't know that was a sport.

Send questions to Steve next week. Muchin out.

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