Monday, February 25, 2013

TW42Minutes: Running Diary of The Oscars

The Oscars are a great celebration of movies with an affinity for movies about movies. They are smug, pretentious, uncomfortably unfunny, and a great way to spend four hours once a year. The three of us have continued our tradition of keeping a running diary of the Oscars.

2nd Annual Live Oscar Shiz

7:39 p.m. -- I thought I could watch a Red Carpet show. It turns out that I can’t, and I’m going back to basketball until the show actually starts. But first I’ll welcome you to our Oscar live blog. I’m Jon. Sean’s here and Steve should be showing up around 9:30. 

I used to be really into movies, but I only saw three this year: Dark Knight Rises, Think Like a Man, and Django Unchained. I think it’s a fucking travesty that Think Like a Man didn’t get any Oscar love, but what do I know? In lieu of actual expertise, I have a lot of hatred for the Oscars. That’s where I’ll be coming from all evening. (JM)

7:44 -- Think Like A Man was obviously the Best Picture, but the people can’t handle the truth.

But seriously, I saw Django, Argo, Lincoln, ZD30, Silver Linings Playbook, and Life of Pi. They were all pretty good but I’d go 1. Lincoln 2. Argo 3. Silver Linings Playbook. (SP)

7:50 -- You have any money riding on any of these awards? I’ve really done a pretty good job of avoiding everything about the Oscars until the show itself. (JM)

7:51 -- I know the odds but I don’t know if something is overvalued or not. Lincoln moved from +500 to +300 at the last minute and Argo went from -800 to -500. (SP)

7:55 -- Yeah, to me it’s mildly shocking that Vegas even posts lines, because I would think the Oscar process is among the most bought off of any presumably fair campaign. I mean, the stories surrounding the Weinsteins more than make that evident. I guess it’s still possible for people to put money on predictions, but it seems pretty susceptible to some scamming.

That said, I have my whole fortune ($38.29 and a non-Cuban cigar) on The Hobbit for Best Production Design. DON’T LET ME DOWN JACKSON. (JM)

7:59 -- I caved and put $10 on Lincoln for Best Picture to win $30. (SP)

8:01 -- You’re a good American. A true American. An American hero. Like Daniel Day-Lewis. (JM)

8:05--Ben Stiller is sitting at the Knicks game so I guess the honor of most awkward award presenter will fall on someone else this year. #avatar (SP)

8:06 -- I thought it was a touching tribute to a race of people nearly wiped from the universe too soon. Speaking of, what’s the over/under on unitards this year? I’d put it at 0.5 only because I’m not sure if Will Ferrell is presenting an award. (JM)

8:07 -- Speaking of over/unders I’m putting this live blog at over/under 12,500 words. (SP)

8:08 -- I’m strongly pushing the over. I’m strongly pushing the over. I’m strongly pushing the over. I’m strongly pushing the over. Get it?

… I’ll leave now. (JM)

8:12 -- The Iron Sheik just tweeted “the Kristin Chenoweth I can break her back she remind me of the Hornswoggle.” Let’s all be reminded that none of us will top that in any way, for he is an unintentional comedic genius. (JM)

8:13 -- ABC is having Anne Hathaway guess what is in a box. She guessed correctly that it was Dorothy’s slippers. This actually happened on TV. “Two thousand components on that shoe? Oh no, really?” (SP)


The game I was watching is at halftime, so I’ve gone back to the Red Carpet festivities. Apparently, Kristin Chenoweth is harpy-ing it up. I usually root for her because she’s shorter than I am, a rarity among people, but I’m excited to get into the hating spirit. (JM)

8:20 -- We have like 3 hours until this really matters. Jesus Christ. (SP)

8:22 -- And so, I’ve commenced drinking. Harpoon IPA. Nothing could be better.

Good lord, Iron Sheik. I’m in love: (JM)

8:24 -- Who the fuck is Renee Zelweggger? (SP)

8:25 -- Kristin Chenoweth is quite literally 20% of Queen Latifah. (JM)

8:30 -- And we’re off. Seth MacFarlane has a shit-eating grin permanently plastered on his face. ALSO DON’T CELEBRATE MUSIC IN FILM JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO SING WE GET IT DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (JM)

8:32 -- I totally didn’t know DDL was a method actor. No one has ever mentioned it or made a joke about it ever before. (JM)

8:34 -- Slavery jokes are in this year, you guys. (SP)

8:36 -- A billion people are watching? I find that incredibly hard to believe.They say that shit about the Super Bowl, too. I’m calling shenanigans. (JM)

8:36 -- This is so bad it makes me want Billy Crystal to put on his blackface again. (SP)

8:37 -- NO WAIT THEY ABSOLUTELY SHOULD GET TINA AND AMY TO HOST DON’T MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT AND THEN DENY IT FROM ME. Also, nothing in the world makes me want Billy Crystal back. Except, Seth MacFarlane singing about boobs. I take it all back. This isn’t meta. This isn’t funny. It’s just really, really sad. (JM)

8:39 -- Samuel L. doesn’t find this shit funny. He’s also wearing a red velvet tux. (SP)

8:40 -- I’m told this Charlize Theron number is for British eyes only. (JM)

8:41 -- Glad to see that Franklin survived Arrested Development getting cancelled. (SP)

8:42 -- Oh good, it’s a talent show. OH GOODY GOODY GOODY. Also, I’m actually taller than Daniel Radcliffe, too. So suck it, this generation’s Mark Hammill. (JM)

8:46 -- Shatner Ex Machina. (JM)

8:48 -- Robert DeNiro couldn’t give less of a shit. (SP)


8:51 -- Quentin Tarantino’s date is totally a prostitute. (SP)

8:58 -- The first of many awards I don’t give a shit about. YAYAYAYAYA (JM)

8:59 -- The winners of random crappy awards definitely don’t get invited to the after parties right? (SP)

9:00 -- I heard Diddy is really into animated shorts, so... (JM)

9:01 -- Reese Witherspoon’s dress implies boobs, but IT’S ALL A LIE (JM)

9:03 -- Here are the nominees for Best Picture that have zero chance of winning. (SP)

9:05 -- I wish someone better than Seth MacFarlane had created Family Guy. It’s a real letdown every time I see him in the flesh. I just wish he didn’t look so proud of himself all the time. In other news, I own the same velvet suit as Sam Jackson. In my dreams. (JM)

9:07 -- Fabio’s fat uncle!!! (SP)

9:08 -- I’m pretty sure that’s Edgar Winter’s and Fabio’s gay lovechild. (JM)

9:10 -- When a movie like Life of Pi wins a bunch of the like 'it was made well' awards, doesn’t that just mean that the director and actors were bad? (SP)

9:11 -- I think it’s more likely the script and maybe acting were bad, but usually you can attribute much of the look and style to the actual director. For instance, Ang Lee is a real stylist and from what I’ve heard it really came through in Life of Pi. ALSO THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC PLAYOFF MUSIC EVER OH MY GOD (JM)

9:13 -- And our company has no money and we are really struggling (JAWS music doesn’t care) (SP)

9:21 -- Halle Berry will return as... Cabaret nightclub curtain!

As an avid and unabashed Bond fan, I’m pretty stoked about this montage. Except that I think it’s the exact one MGM has in the previews for all its films. (JM)

9:23 -- Use of the word film instead of movie. Finish your beer. (SP)

9:24 -- I’m on my third already so back off, Petterman. IS THAT MAYA RUDOLPH SINGING GOLDFINGER? (JM)

9:26 -- And the best joke of the night goes to Jon. (SP)

9:32 -- When does the game start? This pregame shit has gone on long enough. (SR, finally, has come to save the day)

9:33 -- This is Jon’s favorite category because it is the Short Film Award category (SP)

9:34 -- I’ve been roasted. Damn. You guys... wanna get some... short food? (That was a joke for the 17 people who have ever watched Stanjy.) (JM)

9:34 -- Man Liam Neesons ALREADY NEED TO HAVE a statue. Liam Neesons ain’t got no statue? He ain’t got no statue. Nope. Nope. Nope. AND THE ACADEMY AWARD GOES TO...LIAM NEESONS DARKMAN KNOW NIGGA’S FACE WAS CHANGIN’ HOW HARD IS THAT?! (SR)


9:36 -- Is there like a 24-second clock for Oscar speeches? There really, really should be, and they should post it on the screen. I’d love that shit. (JM)

9:37 -- IT’S NEESONS ISN’T?! NEESONSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He ain’t gettin’ no statue. (SR)

9:37: This is all a waste of time. Oscar of the Year is Pistorius. Hands down. (SR)

9:38 -- I vote Bluth. (JM)

9:39 -- Thanks, Spielberg, for letting us know that Thaddeus Stevens was voting with his schmeckle. (SR)

9:44 -- “Searching for Sugar, Man” would be the most boring Food Network show of all time. #punctuation #jokes (JM)

9:49 -- Jennifer Garner <3<3<3<3<3 (SR)

9:50 -- Oh the one that was nominated for Best Picture won Best Foreign Film? That’s as much of a no-brainer as the Defensive Player of the Year being chosen for the All-Defense team, right? #sports #sports #sports (SR)

9:51 -- Amour is French for love. (SP)

9:53 -- Travolta, how do you know about movie musicals? You’re straight!!!! (SR)

9:56 -- Her lip-synching skills are Beyonce-esque. (SP)

9:58 -- Jen honey, you gotta get some meat on your bones again. MM! (SR)

9:59 -- What exactly is the point of all this? Leave this singing bullshit to the Grammys. We only have another hour and a half and so many boring awards to give out! Glad Jen looked to be singing live, though. (JM)

10:00 -- Les Miserables is French for The Miserable Fucks. (SR)

10:01 -- We should have left them out to dry in WWII. #nottoosoon (SP)

10:02 -- Like James Franco did to Anne Hathaway a couple years back. Oh hey look, it’s Anne Hathaway! Also, I HATE THIS. (JM)

10:02 -- Susan Boyle got some WORK DONE. (SR)

10:02 -- She can tell when it’s raining with her boobs. #meangirls (SR)

10:03 -- Jesus Christ, if you just look at musicals objectively, like if you just step back and look at what’s happening, it’s some silly-ass shit. (SR)

10:04 -- BACK OFF, FRANCE (JM)

10:08 -- Sorry Jennifer Garner...Zoe Saldana <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 (SR)


10:11 -- The thing about Ted is that there’s nothing funny added by him being a teddy bear. He’s just an obnoxious Boston guy. Nothing about him has anything to do with him being a teddy bear. It doesn’t make sense. He could just be a guy and it’d be the same fucking thing. (SR)

This man needs to stop being encouraged.

10:11 -- “I enjoyed that musical.” --No straight man ever. (SP)

10:14 -- Harvey Weinstein is going to have that bear killed. (SP)

10:15 -- This isn’t fucking soccer. There are no ties. Don’t insult me and don’t insult this country. (SR)

10:20 -- Got excited that it was a real award. Then remembered we are about to hear three minutes of Anne Hathaway rambling. (SP)

10:21 -- I liked it a lot better when Natalie cut off all her hair. Anne not so much. NATALIE YOU’RE A BADASS BITCH (JM)

10:22 -- That’s the only time Chris Tucker will ever be shown on the Oscars. (SP)


10:24 -- I really hope she doesn’t forget anyone. IT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT SHE LIST EVERY PERSON WHO WORKS AT UNIVERSAL. “Royce the tall janitor, Yolanda the receptionist, Juanita who did the HR orientation...omg omg omg” (SR)

10:25 -- No way she thanks Yolanda or Juanita. #RacistHathaway (JM)

10:31 -- Sandra Bullock is rocking Michael Jackson’s nose from 1992. (JM)

10:34 -- Jennifer Lawrence <3<3<3<3<3<3 Adele, too. Daniel Craig said this song made him cry. Daniel Craig has bad taste in music. (JM)

10:35 -- Jennifer Lawrence introducing Adele just redeemed the show. (SP)

10:35 -- Jennifer Lawrence and Adele have the best speaking and singing voices, respectively (SR)

10:36 -- Well it is becoming pretty clear why Catherine Zeta-Jones lip-synched. (SP)

10:43 -- More like NECK-cole Kidman. Ehhhhh???? (JM)

10:46 -- Which movie’s better, SLAVERY EXPLOSION or old people looking at each other and dying? (SR)

10:48 -- Radcliffe boned Stewart so good behind stage that she was limping and now has sex hair. (SP)

10:48 -- You’re allowed to open your mouth when you talk, Kristen Stewart. (SR)

10:51 -- Isn’t Pennebaker the name of Kramer’s alter ego when he’s a wealthy American industrialist? Oh no wait it’s Pennypacker. H. E. Pennypacker. Close enough. (SR)

10:57 -- George Clooney is pulling off the Brad Pitt “I can have any stupid facial hair and women will still want to bone me” (SP)

10:57 -- “George Clooney is so handsome.” - every mom, everywhere. (JM)

10:59 -- For real though, MCD’s passing is still very sad. (SR)

11:01 -- Marvin Hamlisch got the last name in the montage so we could segue into Babs serenading us? This is like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. (JM)

11:03 -- Every Jewish mother is crying. I assume. I’m not an expert. (SR)

11:08 -- John C. Reilly just got shafted in this Chicago reunion. Fuck off, Oscars. (JM)

11:08 -- What is this, the 11th annual 2003 Oscars? MORE CHICAGO TRIBUTES (SR)

11:10 -- Get the gerbil out of your ass and read the damn winner (SR)

11:13 -- I get that they’re songs and the Oscars wants to play them, but they each get considerably more time than the Best Picture nominees. Makes no sense to me. (JM)

11:16 -- I knew a guy who thought her name was pronounced Adelay, like Adlai Stevenson. Hilarious. (JM)

11:17 -- To be fair I thought it was Ah-Deal. (SP)

11:19 -- Top 5 people who should actually host the Oscars--1. Kevin Hart 2. Tina and Amy 3. Eddie Murphy 4. Aziz 5. Steve Harvey 133133131. Billy Crystal (SP)

11:20 -- 5. TINA AND AMY 4. TINA AND AMY 3. TINA AND AMY 2. TINA AND AMY 1. Billy Crystal (JM)

11:22 -- Seth MacFarlane’s delivery is sooo bad. Like you can be deadpan on Family Guy and it will be sort of funny and awkward. Live and in a tux, it is just awkward. (SP)

11:24 -- Argo kidding me? That joke didn’t really land. I’m sorry. (JM)

11:26 -- I’m a total Tarantino fanboy and whatever but this is awesome and Django was a fucking incredible movie. (JM)

11:27 -- Jesus Christ Tarantino is shitfaced. “This will be the writers’ year man.”

Cocaine is a hell of a drug. (SP)

11:29 -- This Unicorn Tim Burton commercial is making me yearn for the Oscars. Jesus. (SR)

11:31 -- According to TV Guide (aka my cable box), the Oscars should be over as of one minute ago. We haven’t even started the major four awards yet. Jesus Christ, did Judd Apatow edit this thing? (JM)

11:34 -- Whattttttttttt? Steven Spielberg is dying for them to play his JAWS music right now. (SP)

11:34 -- I bet Taiwanese bettors aren’t AngLee about this upset. I might just be out of jokes. I’m sorry. (JM)

11:36 -- One tiny flaw in this movie: TIGERS EAT PEOPLE (SR)

11:38 -- A boy is stuck on a boat and there are animals. Best movie ever. (SP)

11:40 -- Bad news everyone in LA, Tarantino and Kristen Stewart did all the cocaine. (SP)

11:43 -- <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 (SR)

11:43 -- Jizzzzzzzzzzzzz (SP)

11:43 -- Fine, we’re all in love with J-Law. (JM)



11:44 -- I’d give her my Silver Linings Playbook (SP)

11:44 -- Hunger Games for my penis. That doesn’t even make sense. (JM)

11:45 -- OH THAT MERYL STREEP IS SUCH A PHONY BALONEY #randomSeinfeldreference (SR)

11:45 -- Meryl Streep wedgie pick. (SP)

11:45 -- Helen Mirren or Meryl? Who ya got? (I’m talking about boning.) (JM)

11:46 -- DDL is Bobby Fisher and these other clowns are playing checkers. (SP)

11:47 -- Why is every actor from The Master nominated? All I heard about that movie was that it was fucking horrible and didn’t make any GD sense. (SR)

11:47 -- The Master was a movie people hated but some critics loved because PT Anderson. (JM)

11:48 -- Pretty mad my mom named me after Sean Penn instead of Daniel Day-Lewis. (SP)

11:49 -- <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 Oh. (SR)

11:49 -- This is a polite, Irish way of telling everyone:Tell me how my ass tastes. (SP)


11:51 -- Even his acceptance speeches are better than everyone else’s. (SP)

11:52 -- Where’s Robert Evans? (SR)

11:52 -- OKAY FOR REAL THIS TIME <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

11:52 -- What Steve said.

Michelle Obama can Dougie. Listen to me. Michelle Obama can Dougie! (JM)

11:55 -- When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s AMOUR (SP)

11:56 -- Amour is French for love. (JM)

11:57 -- 2 years in a row, a movie about movies. (SP)

11:57 -- Yay for Ben Affleck. He was almost not rich and banging everyone in Hollywood for a while. Now he is again. (JM)

11:58 -- Not to mention fucking Jimmy Kimmel. (SR)


12:00 -- The real winner tonight is drugs. (SP)

12:00 -- Cocaine is a hell of a drug. (JM)

12:00 -- I thought he said this was gonna be quick. (SR)

12:00 -- “Y’know, pissin’ the night away, pissin’ the night away. He takes a whiskey drink, he takes a vodka know the rest.” --Ben Affleck (SR)

12:00 -- It’s over. Hallelujah! I’m done. For anyone who cares, we’re way under the word count. (JM)

12:01 -- Oh dear god I forgot that pixie was singing a song. I’m out. (SP)


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