Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Kobe Bryant Changes Nickname to "Jesus"

Los Angeles, CA - In a rambling video posted to his personal website, Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant announced that he was changing his nickname to Jesus, and officially retiring the moniker Black Mamba. Bryant said the name change came about because of his philosophical change in playing style on this year’s struggling team, saying, “I’m sacrificing my shots and my points for the betterment of the team, turning the other cheek when players are out of position and passing them the ball anyway. That’s not Mamba behavior, and I can’t go by that name anymore. So from now on, call me Jesus.” 

The new nickname is an allusion to Jesus Christ, a prominent figure in the Western religion Christianity, who was known for his charitable behavior and teachings and who, according to many theological doctrines, died for the sins of humanity before ascending to Heaven. Bryant later clarified, “I’m not saying I’m the Messiah, but I've got a killer crossover and I've got the passion to make this team rise.” When reached for comment, the only Lakers player willing to go on record about the name change was reserve forward Robert Sacre who waved his towel three times above his head and screamed incomprehensibly for 17 seconds.

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  1. Kobe's mom, Pam, refused to answer questions about the new Jesus' conception, but did acknowledge keeping an immaculate home.

  2. Having now thoroughly studied said Immaculate Conception on Wikipedia, I hereby withdraw my previous quip.