Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Five Stages of Yuniesky Betancourt

So your team just re-signed sub-replacement level shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt for his second go-round with the team, and your team is not the Royals. Here are the five stages of Yuni Betancourt.

1. Denial - No way the Brewers re-signed Yuni Betancourt. I mean, I know we're pretty weak on the infield with Jean Segura at short and Alex Gonzalez at first, but we could have signed anyone or promote someone from AAA. Are you telling me Craig Counsell wasn't available?

This is all some sort of baseball anxiety dream or early April Fools joke. Well played, Attanasio.

2. Anger - WHY ON EARTH would ANYONE sign a guy who has 129 career walks in 8 seasons in the MLB? Is it for his glove? No, he's about as bad as they come there. Is it for his baserunning? He's stolen 30 bases in his career, too. He's been caught stealing 30 times. His clubhouse demeanor? HE BARELY FUCKING SPEAKS ENGLISH. Oh Yuniesky, were you brought from another land just to make me hate watching the Brewers?

Get off my team, Yuni. In the words of Scar, run away and never return.

3. Bargaining - Maybe it won't be that bad. They won't necessarily have to start him. He actually hits righties okay. Maybe he could platoon. Maybe those flashes of power from 2011 will come with even average (or approaching average) on base abi...

4. Depression - His career OPS+ is 82. Career WAR is -2.6. With over 1,000 games played. He's so bad the Royals have given up on him. Twice.

5. Acceptance - Yuni Betancourt is on my team for the second time in three years.

At least we'll always have this. It's our Paris.

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