Friday, March 8, 2013

The Whole 42 Letters: Brown Bear Edition

I hope everyone had a fantastic week. Let's cut to the chase.

North Korea plays basketball a little differently (thanks Deadspin) -- what is one rule change that you think would be cool in each sport?

First of all, a few words on Dennis Rodman going to North Korea. I think it's hilarious that he thinks he's lifelong friends with Kim Jong-un now. I read that and I was like, 'Wow! What a whacky, funny thing! Dennis Rodman is an idiot! Ha!' And then I was done with it. Everyone else's reaction: "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGC23901WAAAHHHHHHHHHAWEVUWBGUIOBELVBWJIZZJIZZJIZZJIZZJIZZLVNWEAO;NWGBQIOBAENKANGAROOBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Enough.

Here are some rules that would be cool:

Basketball - This one's boring, but a good rule for the NBA would be getting rid of offensive goaltending. It makes my favorite type of guys -- big, athletic Faried-types -- way more dangerous. Putback dunks rule.

Baseball - Well, they finally instituted a rule making the "look to third, throw to first" move a balk, and they're  considering expanding replay extensively in baseball. For Major League Baseball, the glaring rule change they still really need to address in my lifetime is the DH. Both leagues need to either have a DH or not. As an AL guy, I'm more inclined for a DH in both leagues, but the fact that it's different across MLB is crazy.

Football - NOT getting rid of kickoffs. Roger Goodell is the worst gingerballs in the history of gingerballses. For a while, I've wanted NFL overtimes to just be a 5-minute period. It's not a sport like hockey, where sudden death makes sense because nobody fucking ever scores. The new OT rules are okay, but I think just adding on a short OT period would be the best way to do it. I don't give a shit if there are more ties. Ties are hilarious and quirky.

Hockey: No icing? I don't know many hockey rules.

Who do you hate more: Yankees or Lakers?

Oh, Yankees by a mile. I don't think any Boston sports fan would disagree. They're just historical dicks. Just look at Yogi Berra. "I'VE MADE A CAREER OUT OF BEING AN IDIOT!" Yogi, LEARN HOW TO TALK. You make Yoda look like Cicero. Also, the Yankees have historically beaten the shit out of the Red Sox, whereas the Celtics and Lakers have been more or less even. The Celtics are actually historically better than the Lakers. Fuck you, Yankees. I hate Kobe more than any Yankee, but that doesn't make up for a history of being unfairly good and dicks about it.

Who you got for Pope? Also, are the garments passed from Pope to Pope or does Benedict get to keep the hat?

First answer: THE BLACK GUY. If we had a black pope and a black president at the same time, I'd never want the future to come. And second answer: Pope Benedict keeps the clothes. Each pope gets his own. Pretty sure.

How many taps have you done in your app?

This is referring to the Tamago app, which, as I've mentioned, is an app where you have to tap an egg one million times. I'm down to 722,547 taps to go. So that means I've tapped it 277,453 times. MAKING PROGRESS!!!!! #AMillionIsALot

How does something like this still happen in the NBA?

If this were any other team besides the Lakers, I'd be like HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT A BUNCH OF DUMBASSES! But since it's the Lakers I'm like 'Heyyy, come on...not cool guys. How old are we?' The Hornets ain't so hot at this, huh?

What are you more excited for Harrison Ford to appear in, the new Star Wars or Anchorman 2?

Harrison Ford is annoying. You heard it here first. When's the last time he was in a decent movie? Air Force 1? Oh no wait, he was in Cowboys and Aliens! Oh, and the new Indiana Jones with Louis Stevens! Great job mailing it in for decades. And he's always a dick when he appears on shows and stuff. Oh yeah no, you were in The Fugitive 25 years ago, sure, be a dick on a show you agreed to be on. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?!

That being said, if you're Han Solo, you get a G pass for life. Star Wars.

The blog takes off and you're now a millionaire as a co-founder. Outside of the boring stuff like paying off student loans and what not, what's the first thing you spend your money on?

Well, I'd increase my annual gifts to my alma maters, I'll tell ya that! Oh!

If we're thinking reasonably, I'd buy a nice house in a good area, in cash. Now I have a house. Boom. But for real, I'd buy courtside season tickets (they're available, right?) to the Celtics and to another team, like maybe the Magic or something. Now I have an excuse to go to Disney World in the winter whenever I want. Sick.

Which major sport will have the first gay male player?

Well, football has the most players in the league, so that's the most likely I guess. I don't think any sport has particularly more MACHO MACHO GOD HATES FAGS types than any other. It's gonna be absolutely impossible to come out in any sport. Football also has a higher proportion of coaches who give a shit about winning and THAT'S IT. Bill Belichick could be the biggest homophobe on earth, but if he thinks a gay guy could fit into his special teams scheme, he's getting a contract. Baseball managers care too much about THE WAY THE GAME SHOULD BE PLAYED. Good football coaches don't give a shit about that. So I'm going with football.

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