Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Whole 42 Letters: Spring's Here

We've chronicled just how awful February and the beginning of March are sports-wise, but we've finally turned the corner. We did it, Brooklyn. This is primetime sports viewing season. NBA races are picking up, baseball is starting again, Thursday-Sunday will be completely reserved for March Madness, and it is actually getting nice enough to play sports outside again. Also random sports events are popping up, shoutout to the USA Soccer Team for going 0-0 at Mexico. Basically, expect the blog to kick ass the next few months.

Now onto your letters (sorry for the week off).

What's the best fruit?

This is a lot harder than who's the biggest fruit (Jon). You have to consider a lot of factors: versatility, repeatability, and scarceness are the most important. Clementines are great but they are only around for like 2 months then they disappear. Another important factor to consider is clean-up. You don't want to be stuck walking around with a banana peel. But you do want a fruit you can walk and eat like a boss. This knocks out grapes, fruits you gotta peel, and fruits that are only in season for short amounts of time. Also, some fruit is super expensive. I don't want to pay $5 for five handfuls of blueberries even if they are better than sex. The answer is apples. You are a badass mofo if you walk around crushing an apple. As for the core, eat it like a boss, use it for ummmm other purposes, or just toss it. It's biodegradable and no one will slip on it.

Let's say you had to choose one and only one food to eat for the rest of your life. You could eat as much as you want, and it would be the healthiest diet possible. This one food, no matter what it was, would give you all the nutrition you would ever need, no matter what its characteristics are in real life. You cannot eat any other food. What do you choose?

For the record, this is a sports blog, but I'm happy to answer food questions. The answer is boring, but it is pizza. It has bread, cheese, and tomato: basically all you need. You can make it fluffy, crunchy, full of veggies, cold, hot, meaty. Pizza is the best food. Italy is pretty bad as a country (NO ONE DENIES THIS), but we completely ignore that because they have cool names and gave us dope food.

Choose one of these to attend (you must attend one): the ballet, the opera, or the symphony.

The ballet. It gives you music and you at least get to ogle anorexic girls. Plus, I assume movies are real life and Black Swan was kray. I actually went to the symphony recently and it was not as bad as expected. A piece of music can only go on for so long, which is obviously a plus. Then again, you can also only pay attention for so long before you start trying to fall asleep with your eyes open.

You're a left-handed fellow. Do left-handed scissors actually matter?

Being left-handed is great most of the time. You are more likely to be smart, the President, and have a Jon Hamm Oden, but it does have a few drawbacks. School desks made for righties are terrible, power tools are walking death traps, and you can't cut shit unless you have awesome scissors. Most lefties have figured out how to use right handed scissors just because they don't want to face the embarrassment of either a) asking for left-handed specific scissors or b) looking like a baby trying to cut something with their left hand.

How often do you wear baseball caps? How often did you wear them, say, 10 years ago?

I basically only wear my Braves baseball cap at a Braves game. There's really no reason to ever wear a hat unless you are playing baseball or at a baseball game. Even if you are exercising, protecting your head from the sun with a heavy hat is pretty sweaty and gross after like five minutes. This philosophy didn't stop a guy playing indoor basketball against me last week to wear a backwards baseball hat.

Ten years ago, I was an idiot 13-year-old. When I wasn't wearing a cap at baseball practice until you could actually smell it from feet away, I had a hat on at shul. Forest green bar mitzvah yarmulkes ftw.

What are your 10 favorite curse words

Deadspin is running a bracket of the best cuss words because they are the best. FYI, you say cuss not curse. Cussing is what people who say cuss words do, cursing is for voodoo.

1. Goddamn
2. Motherfucker
3. Fuck
4. Bullshit
5. Ass
6. Schmuck
7. Douchebag
8. Cock
9. Tits
10. Kelly Clarkson

Are you guys gonna do a baseball preview OR WHAT?!

Will the Heat make it to 30 games?

The Heat will get to 30 games and no more. The Knicks are beating them in Miami just like they did in December. 30 games is a nice round number and tough games against the Bulls and Spurs are going to tire them out. 34 games is just too hard to pull off and not worth it. If this streak were at 27 in, say, January, then maybe they'd have more reason to go all out. But Dwyane Wade is already sitting out with a knee a little and the Heat are smart enough to know that the playoffs are all that really matters, no matter what Jeff Van Gundy says.

Will FGCU win on Thursday and do you want them to?

Yes and yes. College basketball is so random and a lot of that has to do with the fact that these are just kids facing adversity like never before. The talent between Florida and FGCU isn't so different. Florida is obviously better, but FGCU has a ton of momentum, and as we've seen with teams like Butler and George Mason, that can go a long way. Not only do I want FGCU to win, but they are one of the best sleepers in recent memory. Typically, sleeper teams are just really well coached and are good at executing. FGCU doesn't give a shit about all that. Obviously they are well-coached and whatnot, but they seem to care more about dunking in your face. They have swag and nothing to lose. Sorry Florida.

Who would you rather be, Muggsy Bogues or Manute Bol?

Muggsy Bogues is soooo short. Being a 5'3'' male is really hard even if you were really good at basketball. I asked resident height-challenged blogger Jon for his take and he said: "I can't quite put my finger on it (it being on a high shelf)." Manute Bol might have had to duck and be uncomfortable and get gawked at this entire life, but seriously, you do NOT want to be short. I'd rather be nine feet tall than 5'7. Randy Newman said it best, "short people got no reason to live."

Which outfield has the most swag?

Fine, I made up this question. But you already know. The Upton triplets are the coolest, swaggiest, Bossman Juniorest motherfuckers. If there isn't an awesome rap with the three of them by Opening Day, we've failed as a society.

Note: There will be roughly 162 more posts
on my love for the Braves outfield
Thanks for your letters. Send them to Jon next week.


    maybe i'm making this up, but someone i know used to play frisbee with a pink baseball cap. it was with their team 7 minutes in heaven, in virginia.
    but there were a lot of people on my college frisbee team from virginia, so maybe i'm making it all up.

    if you want to nit-pick the differences between a baseball cap and a trucker cap, go right ahead. be that guy.


    1. It ain't the same, I'm picking nits! Baseball caps don't have mesh to let your head breathe. But yes I used to have a dope pink hat. If your head can breathe and you are protected from the sun then great. But don't wear a heavy ass baseball hat.

    2. The evidence is iron-clad. FLIP FLOPPER