Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Kobe Bryant Guns for Most Hospital Visitors Record

Late Saturday night, doctors and hospital nurses hushed excitedly throughout the hallways of Los Angeles Memorial Hospital. A record was within reach. Star patient Kobe Bryant was within ten visitors of surpassing the all-time record for visitors previously held by Bobby Smith, a six-year old cancer patient. "I've never seen anything like this," said Kobe's Doctor Alan Schwartz, "for a patient to instill such a will and have such a singular focus on breaking a record. Wow. Just wow."



Kobe's Achilles' tendon tear might have doomed the Lakers' playoff hopes, but the five-time champion has a new goal within his grasp. Bobby Smith's record of 150 visitors in one weekend had stood for decades, but this could not stop the insatiably competitive Mamba. Bryant was reportedly heard calling Smith a "chump."

However, Bryant's own quest did not come without its fair share of controversy. Record-keepers note repeat visitors only count once and cited a strangely mustachioed 7-foot man wearing a Superman cape and a shit-eating grin. "Once this is all said and done," said Kevin Roberts, hospital-visitor-log-keeper-guy, "we'll have to take a long look and see if some of the entries are duplicates." Particularly troubling to Roberts were entries signed within minutes of each other for: Pau Gasol, Paul Gasol, Saul Lapol, Steve Nash, Freve Nash, Phil Jackson, and Bill Jackson.



Sunday morning, after officially breaking Smith's record, Kobe Bryant held a press conference to commemorate his achievement. Holding court over swooning media members, Bryant said: "It isn't about efficiency, it's about heart. Mambo-vino got this. When I saw a record that wasn't about how much people liked me or efficiency or anything but raw numbers obtained through sociopathic will, I knew God had a new mission for me, and again, I'm victorious. Also, fuck Smush Parker." As Bryant finished his confusing rant, media members gave him a standing ovation and quickly began gushing pieces about his place on the all-time hospital patient power rankings. When reached for comment, Smith, the previous record-holder and now cured 40-year-old man ,said: "Man fuck that dude, tell me how my ass tastes."

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