Thursday, May 23, 2013

Chuck Norris liking Tim Tebow is "News"



THIS HAPPENED. This was one of the stories on the ESPN.com front page as of 3:00PM today. The link to the story read, "Tough guy Chuck Norris sees himself in Tebow." This is the type of story that Skip Bayless thinks should be the biggest in the world and EVERYONE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW, which is the exact reason why it is not a story. I think that's a good barometer. A sports story's importance is inversely proportional to how much Skip Bayless cares about it. Let's take this stoolmonster line by line.

When Chuck Norris watches Tim Tebow, he sees a version of himself on the football field. As such, the ultimate tough guy has come to the defense of the beleaguered quarterback in an online column.

Since when is Chuck Norris "the ultimate tough guy" in the world? Because there was a running joke about Chuck Norris Facts in like 2004? I liked those jokes. They were funny. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits. That's funny. It's funny because Chuck Norris is just that guy from Walker, Texas Ranger. He's not someone who people actually think is super badass. Like if these jokes were about Muhammad Ali or something, they'd still be kinda funny, but not as funny as they are when it's Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris is just a random fuckin' guy who was on a goofy TV show 20 years ago. Hey ESPN: Irony is a thing.




In a column for nonprofit conservative website Newsbusters, Norris calls Tebow one of his UCPs: an Ultimate Clutch Player.

Of course Chuck Norris contributes to a site called Newsbusters. Their tagline is "Exposing & Combating Liberal Media Bias." LOOK OUT, GAYJEW MEDIA! WE'RE BUSTIN' YA! PEW PEW BUSTED!

"Tebow is a player who rises to the occasion and delivers big in critical moments," Norris writes in a column posted this week. "He reminds me of myself when I used to compete in martial arts."

The guy who couldn't replace Buttfumble Sanchez is just SUCH a clutch player. A UCP. He's downright NORRISIAN. I like how Chuck Norris just assumes we all know about his martial arts career. Tebow's just like a young Chucky N-O. YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

"I would spar with my black belts in class, and sometimes they would outscore me. Yet in the tournaments, I would defeat them. My students used to ask me, 'Why is it that we can contend equally against you in class but can't beat you in the tournaments?' My answer was always the same: 'When it counts, I rise to the occasion,'" he writes.

How much of this column is ESPN going to quote? Why even have a link to it? I go to ESPN for all my full-text ranty articles by geriatric former television stars. That's why God made the Worldwide Leader.

Norris makes the case that the Jacksonville Jaguars should sign Tebow and references Martin Luther King Jr. in his argument.

Oh God. Buckle up for what's about to come next. Also, linking Tebow to MLK? HOW DARE YOU INSULT TEBOW LIKE THAT?! WHAT HAPPENED TO COMPARING TEBOW TO JESUS?! THERE'S YOUR GODDAMN COMPARISON THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

He writes that he read a USA Today story on Shad Khan in which the Jaguars owner is quoted as saying that King's work is "a contributing factor to his success."
"So let me respectfully challenge Khan to consider these words from Dr. King: 'There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe nor politic nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right,'" Norris writes.

Getting Tim Tebow an NFL contract is just like MLK getting thrown in jail because he wanted to vote. I can't believe I never made this connection before. Signing Tebow isn't popular among NFL teams even though he's a goddamn UCP! Black people having rights wasn't popular even though they're people! Tim Tebow's career completion percentage is 47.9, black people were enslaved for 400 years in the Americas! The parallels are spooky is what they are.

The Jaguars have repeatedly said they aren't interested in signing Tebow, and the Bold City Brigade, a team booster group, started a website, "Evenifhesreleased.com," which was launched as a countermeasure to the Tebow-mania bombarding the team.

Chuck Norris is going against the Bold City Brigade and its propagandist anti-American bastion of Internet OBAMASOCIALISTSTREAM MEDIA, evenifhesreleased.com. Such an ultimate tough guy.

If Tebow can't find a job in the NFL, he has a standing offer to play in the arena league.
Philadelphia Soul part-owner Ron Jaworski, also an ESPN NFL analyst, said Wednesday he was serious about his offer to Tebow to join his AFL team.

Ron Jaworski owns an Arena football team? Classic Jaws. That way, he can own a team full of players he's said he's liked over the years but flamed out in the NFL because they're terrible. HE'S EXCITED ABOUT TYLER PALKO YOU GUYS. The AFL gives him a chance to slob the knobs of the unslobknobables, which is Jaworski's favorite activity. I wonder why he wants Tebow on his team then...

Jaworski, a former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, reached out to Tebow a day after the Jets released him in April. Jaworski has yet to hear from Tebow but expects to eventually.
"I love the guy," Jaworski said. "I want him here just for his leadership."

SUCH A LEADER, RIGHT FELLAS?! Also, I like how Tebow is too good to call Ron Jaworski back. And Jaworski "eventually" hearing from Tebow is a hilarious image. Jaworski knows it's inevitable for Tebow to end up in the Arena league. IT IS GOD'S PLAN FOR YOU, TIM.

So there you have it. This is what ESPN is putting on its front page now. At this point, if someone is ordering a t-bone steak in a restaurant but gets interrupted before saying the the "n," ESPN has 1,500 words on it. 
Oh, and by the way, the article features a video of Cris Carter discussing Mr. Norris's column. This is SportsCenter.

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