Sunday, March 2, 2014

TW42Minutes: Running Diary of the 2014 Oscars

The Oscars are a great celebration of movies with an affinity for boring hosts, Ellen de Generes, "comback" narratives (see Jared Leto and Matthew McConaughey), and throwing shade on women's fashion choices. They are smug, pretentious, uncomfortably unfunny, and a great way to spend four hours once a year. The three of us have continued our tradition of keeping a running diary of the Oscars for a third year.

Stay tuned for live updates every twenty minutes throughout the night.





3rd Annual Live Oscar Hatery

7:56 -- Early highlights of the night, using the phrase throwing shade in a sentence to explain the concept to my mom, “You’re throwing shade on that actress by saying, how did her hair and makeup, bleh.” (SP)

8:01 -- This year, I’ve seen 12 Years a Slave (cried), Dallas Buyer’s Club (cried twice!), Inside Llewyn Davis (with Jon!), Saving Mr. Banks, Wolf of Wall Street, American Hustle, Gravity, Hunger Games, Anchorman 2, and About Last Night. I’m going with the favorites tonight, 12 Years a Slave, Gravity’s Director, McConaissance, Jared Leto, Cate Blanchett, and in a raycess upset over Lupita Nyongo, J-Law to fall on the stairs again as she wins her second Oscar. (SP)

8:11 -- I’m that annoying guy who’s watched one football game all year and then shows up at your Super Bowl party pretending I know everything about football. I saw Inside Llewyn Davis (with Sean!) and that’s it. Having said that, I have strong opinions on all these movies. NEESONS AIN’T GOT NO STATUE?

I don’t know enough to have even an educated guess, but I assume the Oscars will be mad racist and give Gravity the statue over 12 Years. (JM)

8:16 -- In the biggest upset of the night thus far, my mom used a weird nickname before Jon! Sandy Bullock for the win. (SP)

8:18 -- Henrik Lundqvist just got his ass beat. I’m watching hockey cuz this is a sports blog and we need a tie to that. I’ll switch when the actual ceremony starts but I ain’t tryina watch this carpet shit. (JM)

8:20 -- Sean, having seen many of these movies, which do you think should win? (JM)

8:21 -- 12 Years a Slave was the best story and McQueen did the best job directing. It was my favorite with Dallas Buyers Club a close second despite Jennifer Garner’s character being annoying. (SP)

8:22 -- I’m just gonna assume she’s still stuck in the role of Elektra from Daredevil. That was such a method role about a decade ago, that I don’t know if she’ll ever return to her normal Alias ways. (JM)

8:23 -- ABC just had to quote random Twitter users for a good review of its new drama. It’s somehow worse than NBC as a network. (SP)

8:23 -- How could the network that gave us Grey’s Anatomy do something bad? What’s a more likely impression for Ellen (hair-based only): Bieber or Cyrus? (JM)


8:30 -- I hope the band plays Ellen off during the monologue. Not because I hate her but because it would be funny. (JM)


8:33 -- Doo doo, doo doo doo… Philomena. Sing it with me. (JM)


8:35 -- It took five minutes for a pronoun joke. God damnit. (SP)


8:39 -- THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THE WEIGHT BACK ON JONAH WELCOME BACK (JM)


8:39 -- Anne Hathaway is the first presenter. They are just trolling us right now. Also, there’s a good chance her gown gives someone a seizure tonight. (SP)


8:40 -- It’s like a chain mail. I kinda dig it. (JM)


8:42 -- Don’t you dare not include McConaughey in the initial hug. (SP)


8:43 -- Leto’s bowtie game is STRONG tonight. (JM)


8:44 -- Bringing your mom as a date to a show is an Entourage plot I’m pretty sure. Also, props to Leto on half an EGOT, mentioning his band, Venezuela, and Ukraine. Glad he scrapped the speech Woody Harrelson suggested: “I’m just a normal dude with a big ass dick.” (SP)

8:47 -- Weird that Jim Carrey didn’t get nominated for Eternal Sunshine, right? I like that he’s dressed as a futuristic couch, though. (JM)



8:50 -- And we have our randomly shoehorned Oscar theme. HEROES! If only this were on NBC - just think of the tie-ins!


But seriously, I like movies with heroes. Heroes are nice. The Oscar is smart to celebrate them. Better than villains though villains are also in movies and I like them, too. Villains, heroes, they’re all needed. Movies, man. (JM)


8:52 -- PHARELL IS WEARING HIS MOUNTIE HAT AGAIN. As a short guy with a huge head, I totally get where he’s coming from. (JM)


8:53 -- “What’s Despicable Me about, penguins or something?” Moms brought her A game tonight. (SP)


8:53 -- Despicable Me’s about everyone’s burnout younger brother, no? Shoutout to Sean’s mom for the trenchant commentary, though. And moms everywhere for never quite understanding shit. <3 u moms. (JM)


8:57 -- FUCK! I lost my will Sam Jackson be wearing a kangol hat bet. Shoulda never bet against that bad motherfucker. (JM)


8:57 -- What did you win your Oscar for? Achieving in costume design. (SP)


8:58 -- Thank God the Great Gatsby won for costumes considering that’s the entire movie (and kind of the point). (JM)


9:00 -- What’d you get nominated for? Doing Johnny Knoxville’s prosthetic in Bad Grandpa. (SP)


9:00 -- Getting him to look like a really bad ass Grandpa was just such a challenge especially compared to making Jared Leto A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. Matty McC deserves some credit for losing that weight, though. (JM)


9:02 -- I’m surprised they didn’t use the theme music from Cowboys & Aliens to introduce Harrison Ford. (SP)


9:03 -- I liked Harrison in that. It was the aliens that fucking sucked. (JM)


9:06 -- Step Up 2 The Arts. Channing loves budding filmmakers. (JM)


9:07 -- Leo’s fake laugh there was better acting than what he did in Wolf of Wall Street. (SP)


9:10 -- Bradley Cooper is maybe the only handsomer person than Ellen. She’s a handsome woman. Hands. I’m on my second bourbon. The jokes are only getting worse from here. (JM)


9:11 -- McConaughey is fighting every urge to tell you to switch to HBO. (SP)


9:13 -- The Oscars where you watch the best moment in someone’s life and hope they shut the fuck up and get off the stage. This isn’t about you Frenchy! (SP)


9:13 -- I prefer Daft Punk with the helmets on. (JM)


9:18 -- Ghandi was a hero. Harvey Milk was a hero. Jackie Robinson was a hero. Julia Roberts’ big ol’ mouth is a hero. Lincoln was a hero. Ali, too. So many heroes. Heroes, heroes, heroes. Bin Laden? Not a hero. We killed that sumbitch. Also, slavery was bad. #Oscars (JM)


9:20 -- Joseph Gordon-Levitt needs a visual effect to make him taller because he’s short. (SP)


9:21 -- ERECTION PATRONUM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING.


(That was Hermione for those who were wondering the context of that joke. I’ve been waiting years to make said shitty joke. Feels okay, not great.) (JM)


9:23 -- Jesus they really make us listen to all the songs huh. (SP)


9:25 -- I’D LIKE TO BE A MILLION MILES AWAY AFTER THAT SONG. I mean it transported me that far, in like an emotional and maybe metaphysical* sense. I actually didn’t hate it. It was a nice song. Fuck. I’ll stop now.


*Pro tip: if you don’t know what something is, just call it metaphysical. No one really knows what that means. (JM)


9:29 -- Solid use of a fake prop Ellen. (SP)


9:31 -- Helium won? Maybe it can overcome Gravity.


/Kills self


Farewell. (JM)


9:32 -- We’ve reached the point of the show where the winners are thanking the Academy for not axing their category. (SP)


9:33 -- We’re an hour in and no one’s been played off yet, right? Where are the drunken rambly speeches? Even Leto was pretty composed. (JM)


9:34 -- Where are the guys in the shitty categories with the weird beards? Come on Oscars we don’t want to hear about some old lady dying. (SP)


9:34 -- In sound engineering they all look like Edgar Winter I believe. We’ll get to that. (JM)


9:36 -- We should talk about Ellen. She’s mom funny (in which I mean she appeals mostly to moms). Tina and Amy are better at the Globes but they’re allowed to be edgier. I’m hoping Ellen dances, since I’ve parlayed that with McConaughey saying alright over 2 times. (JM)


9:37 -- OH I SAW 20 FEET FROM STARDOM IT WAS GREAT AND I’M GLAD IT WON. The girl from Gimme Shelter killed it in that movie (she’s like 70 now, so probably shouldn’t call her girl). That’s 2 movies I saw this year, bitches. Both about music. (JM)

9:39 -- Did you already do the /kills self thing because maybe that’s you know still something you should do. (SP)


9:40 -- The Oscars is one of the few places you can get a standing ovation for acting like a sociopath. That and Congress. BOOM POINTED COMMENTARY (JM)


9:41 -- Kevin Spacey is going the Jack Donaghy route and just becoming Frank Underwood. (SP)


9:42 -- Everyone should go watch Steve Martin’s speech that just got briefly quoted. He’s still the funniest person in the world. It’s here. (JM)


9:44 -- So, since I’m doing this, I’m not following along on Twitter. Pretty much every public event I’ve watched lately I’ve also had my Twitter feed up, but I don’t have it now and I don’t really feel like I’m missing much. Just people writing slightly more concise jokes than me. Much more concise jokes. Better jokes. My point is: this is fine. To those reading, thanks. I hope you think it’s fine. (JM)


9:46 -- That show with the angry dad from That 70’s Show and the bitchy mom from Titanic sure looks like it’ll last several seasons. (SP)


9:50 -- Benigni’s follow up was pretty disappointing. So much better in the original. (SP)


9:54 -- They’re applauding Ellen in white the Academy Awards are raycesssss. (JM)


9:55 -- I don’t know when Bono started wearing transitions lenses but props for sticking with it for so long. He doesn’t look like a molester or anything. (JM)


9:55 -- I think it’s more a middle-aged lesbian look. We’ll see if Ellen makes a move on him. (SP)


9:56 -- That’s Poehler’s move. Trying to make out with Bono. I hate Bono. I have to say. I’m sure he actually like does good and stuff, but I hate him. (JM)


9:57 -- Was Nelson Mandela elite? (JM)


10:01 -- You know each time I see that Resurrection trailer I get more excited for it. (JM)


10:02 -- Ellen came so close to making a joke that the young African girl was starving. (SP)


10:05 -- You can tell how pretentious someone is by how the pronounce Charlize Theron (SP)


10:08 -- I call her Charlie Theron just to make sure people know how street I am. People get confused sometimes. (JM)


10:09 -- Ellen’s selfie has actually been retweeted 82,000 times in three minutes. That’s either impressive or really depressing, I can’t decide. (SP)


10:12 -- Lupita is obviously really good, but all I can think of is Cedric the Entertainer yelling Lavita on the Steve Harvey Show (SP)


10:14 -- Old ass bitches are great if they just exist on screen. YAY WE’RE NOT RACIST (JM)


10:15 -- Suck it Lawrence, you ain’t tripping on these steps tonight. Also, why is Liza Minelli around? (SP)


10:15 -- Last Steve McQueen movie I saw featured Michael Fassbender’s penis for about half of it. (His leg, I mean.) I’m certain 12 Years is miles more traumatizing. (JM)


10:19 -- Nothing says the horrors of slavery like music that played while people walked around a room full of candy. Really captured the mood. Ok that's it for me bedtime (BB)


10:20 -- Come with me, and you’ll see, a world of racial degradation. (JM)

10:21 -- Brad Pitt handing out plates because he’s perfect. (SP)



10:22 -- Marty’s a paisan. Of course he’s taking a slice. (JM)


10:24 -- Ellen’s falling off but compared to Seth McFarlane and the dynamic duo of James Franco and Anne Hathaway she’s I guess the best in recent memory. Better than Billy Crystal in blackface at least. (SP)


10:25 -- Bill Murray going full Einstein hair is probably his greatest move yet. I couldn’t possibly love him more. HAROLD RAMIS CALLOUT I REALLY COULDN’T POSSIBLY LOVE HIM MORE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (JM)


10:26 -- There’s a 50% chance that the winner takes offense to being called “Best Shooter” so this was a success. (SP)


10:29 -- If they end on time (and it’s usually close), we have one hour to go. Need more bourbon. (JM)


10:29 -- Things I learned while not caring about that category. Scarlett Johansson and Sandra Bullock are Members of the Tribe and Judy Garland is Liza Minelli’s mom. (SP)


10:30 -- You really didn’t know the Garland fact? And you call yourself a movie lover! I hate you. (JM)


10:31 -- Cuaron didn’t talk because he knows he’s confident he’s winning Best Director #gloryboy (SP)


10:32 -- Cuaron got half played off! That’s the first of the night! (JM)


10:33 -- Ramis, Shirley, or PSH - who gets the last spot in the death montage, Sean? (JM)


10:33 -- Gotta be Philip Seymour Hoffman, given that it was so unexpected. (SP)


10:34 -- PINK IS NOT ONE OF THE STANDARD RAINBOW COLORS.


Agree with Hoffman, though Shirley Temple was the biggest star in the world for like a decade. She’s the sleeper, I’d say. (JM)

10:35 -- There are you know good songs in the Wizard of Oz they could have actually just sung. And they are all sleeping now (in their graves). (SP)



10:42 -- That fucking fairy costume was the payoff to the costume change gag? Eh. Ehhhhhllen. (JM)


10:44 -- Jennifer Garner totally knew Great Gatsby was winning and wore her flapper dress. (SP)


10:45 -- GET TO THE GOOD SHIT I WANT TO SEE MERYL PRETEND TO BE HAPPY FOR SOMEONE WAY LESS TALENTED THAN SHE IS (JM)


10:46 -- A second “heroes” montage, are you shitting me? 300 and Iron Man made the montage. Jesus. (SP)


10:47 -- This is the third one, actually. Harry Potter is hero.THE MORE YOU KNOW.  JLaw is most certainly a hero (in my heart).


Also, they should just fucking show Lawrence of Arabia this whole montage. #RIPO’Toole  (JM)


10:49 -- As always: fuck you, Pepsi. (JM)


10:49 -- But it featured Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr.! (SP)


10:50 -- Oh good point. Retracted. (JM)


10:53 -- True story: I thought Glen Close was a man until I was like 14. Get a different name! (JM)


10:53 -- Gandolfini deserved better than first. Fuckers. Note: I’m not really sure how it works but like to be angry. (SP)


10:56 -- I guess a lot of people died. People die. It’s a fact of life. Death.
I’d rather celebrate heroes. (JM)


10:57 -- Were you enjoying the show? Well here’s death, slavery, and AIDS for the last hour. (SP)


10:58 -- Babs is PISSED right now. (JM)


11:03 -- Since we’re talking about movies, and Ebert was in the death montage, wanted to post this Onion tribute to him. It’s weirdly perfect. I’M DRUNK AND EMOTIONAL SORRY NOT SORRY (JM)


11:05 -- Uncle Phil got shafted in the Death montage. The verdict is in and the Academy is still racistttttt. (SP)


11:07 -- TIME TO RING THE RACIST BELL (JM)


11:08 -- Stayed tuned after the Oscars John Travolta and Goldie Hawn will have a face moving contest. (SP)


11:09 -- This is the fucking Frozen song that every teenage girl loves? Man that’s depressing. (SP)


11:10 -- This song isn’t that good, just let it go everybody.


/I already said I’d kill myself (JM)


11:15 -- Screenwriting (adapted and original), actor/actress, song, director, picture are all left. This is supposed to be over in 15 minutes. Ummmmmm.


I haven’t modulated my bourbon intake very well. This may end poorly. (JM)


11:15 -- That’s shitty modulating Muchin. (SP)


11:16 -- I’m sorry. I’ve made a huge mistake. (JM)


11:16 -- AN EGOT!!!!! Tracy Jordan where you at? (SP)


11:19 -- Beginning to think Ellen got the pizza because she felt guilty that the show is going to run an hour over. (SP)


11:21 -- What if ABC was just like, fuck it and cut to nightly news? Would I really feel I’d missed anything? No. And yet I’m still watching this. (JM)

11:22 -- I’m invested in McConaughey giving such an awesome speech that it’s worth three hours of my time. (SP)



11:23 -- Penelope Cruz learned this speech phonetically. (JM)


11:24 -- There really can’t just be one screenplay award? Yeah so this was based on something written and this was based on something in my head. Nobody cares. (SP)


11:25 -- Ripley’s Believe It Or Not You Won An Oscar (soooooo much bourbon) (JM)


11:27 -- Woody Allen wants to know if the phone from Her can have a younger sounding voice. (JM)


11:27 -- This could be Seth Meyers, Jonathan Schwartzman, or really any white actor. But no he’s edgy because he misspelled Jones. (SP)


11:32 -- I was gonna make a snarky comment about Mr. Poitier but there’s nothing snarky to say. (JM)


11:32 -- Here we go. McQueen or Cuaron, what do you think Jon? (SP)


11:33 -- I haven’t seen either but I think Cuaron gets this and McQueen gets picture. You? (JM)


11:33 -- That seems right, Gravity looks really cool and is impressive visually but the story is not nearly as good as 12 Years a Slave. (SP)


11:34 -- Just like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Gravity is a fine film by Cuaron. (SP)


11:36 -- Y Tu Mama Tambien is phenomenal. So’s Children of Men. Cuaron is great. Verdict on Academy being racist is currently undecided. (JM)


11:37 -- Gravity seems like it should’ve won the effects awards like it did but 12 Years not winning for Director is kind of bullshit the more I think about it. (SP)


11:39 -- Did Cameron win Director for Avatar? Seems like the kind of thing the Academy would do. (JM)


11:39 -- Pretty sure his ex-wife beat him out. (SP)


11:41 -- I wish he were still doing the Lincoln character, like until he takes a new movie DDL has to stick with his last one. At least wear the hat, man. (JM)


11:41 -- Kind of a weak year for best actress actually. No one really liked these movies and it seems like Cate Blanchett is going to win by default. (SP)


11:43 -- Meryl Streep is great but I feel like she could do anything and we’d convince ourselves it was amazing. (SP)


11:44 -- Meryl Streep is Radiohead?


I love Radiohead. (JM)


11:45 -- Judi Dench is really just smoking a blunt and laughing her ass off at how bored everyone must be. (SP)


11:46 -- /Puffs on blunt
/Calls Maggie Smith
/Challenges her to gravitas-off
/Falls asleep (JM)


11:48 -- JLAW <33333333333333333 (JM)


11:48 -- Alright, alright, alright time. (SP)

11:49 -- Leo’s career is stunningly like Scorsese’s, which is weird cuz they work together all the time. Huge early success, long track record with just a few duds, a lot of nominations. I’m sure he’ll win for something he doesn’t really deserve it for in like a decade. Aviator 2 maybe. (JM)





11:50 -- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Go get it McConaughey. (SP)


11:51 -- I keep gettin older. They stay the saaaame age. (JM)


11:51 -- Yeah, this speech is better than anything else tonight. (SP)


11:52 -- PLEASE TELL ME TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE (JM)


11:53 -- If they fucking play him off… (SP)


11:54 -- Oh my god the hero speech is the most McConaughey HE’S PERFECT (JM)


11:54 -- This is a better hero theme than any of the 134134 montages. (SP)


11:55 -- I would’ve won if I bet the o/u on alrights. Damn. (JM)


11:55 -- Will Smith’s Scientology faith explains why he isn’t buttoning the top button. (SP)


11:55 -- Nice earrings, Will. (JM)


11:57 -- Steve McQueen took that Oscar like bitch I should already have one. (SP)

11:58 -- America is not racist. Phew. Blog out. (JM/SP)

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