Friday, May 16, 2014

MLB Team Name Rankings: Ranking Stuff is Fun

Ranking stuff that doesn't actually have anything to do with sports analysis is probably one of the most fun things to do on a sports blog. Take it from me, a true blogger. We've done the NFL team names, as well as the NFL starting QB names (we'll have to do that again this year), and now it's time to do the MLB team names. I'm in the position of having the worst team of the 3 bloggers this year (though the Red Sox will ultimately repeat as WORLD CHAMPIONS no probably not but like MAYBE, right?), so it's better to just write about stuff that doesn't have to do with, y'know, baseball. Onward and sideways.

30. Cleveland Indians
Native American stuff has to GO. This team is last--behind the Braves--because of its logo, which has nothing to do with this list, but Chief Wahoo deserves all the scorn he gets.

29. Atlanta Braves
The only thing that's almost as racist as Chief Wahoo is the Tomahawk Chop. Truly stunning.

28. Chicago White Sox
Named after smelly footwear. I'll go more in depth about why this name is horrible in my Red Sox overview. But yeah, not great.

27. Boston Red Sox
Didn't think I'd have the nads to put them this low on the list, huh? Well you can't be named after clothes. You can't be like oh yeah we wear red socks that's how you know it's us. That's soooooooooo lame.

26. Cincinnati Reds
Originally the Red Stockings, which has the exact same problems as Red Sox and White Sox have. Why is it all about socks? Why couldn't they wear any other distinguishing clothing? The Memphis ASSLESS CHAPS could've been a good team name. Anyway, this team originally changed its name from Red Stockings to Reds in 1890, but then because of COMMUNISM, they changed to Redlegs from 1954-1959. MCCARTHYYYY!!!!! But anyway, they permanently changed in 1960. On its own, it's nothing. Reds is nothing.

25. Philadelphia Phillies
People from Philadelphia. By far the laziest name. Not a fan.

24. Tampa Bay Rays
Literally the sun's rays because they're in Tampa where the sun makes it hot. Obviously this team was the Devil Rays, which is just such a force of a name. Did this team change its name because of Steve Irwin? I guess they changed it a couple years after that happened. Either way, super lame.

23. Arizona Diamondbacks
Yeah, this team name suffers from the new age schlocky stupid team name disease of the past 25 years. This name is strikingly similar to Devil Rays in that regard. Diamondbacks are a type of snake! Thanks Jeff Corwin! Lame.

22. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
So this team originated as the California Angels. Then they were the Anaheim Angels. Now they're the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, or, The The Angels Angels of Anaheim. The Angels makes sense as a name if you're a Los Angeles team, but since this is such a force, I'm downgrading this name CONSIDERABLY.

21. Washington Nationals
Should've gone with the Senators. Nationals is such a nothing name.

20. Los Angeles Dodgers
People who dodge. This is about streetcars in Brooklyn, right? Yeah so you moved a WHILE ago. What are you dodging in LA? Spray tan?

19. Texas Rangers
People who range. Y'know the song Home on the Range? What is a Range? Is it like a prairie? Is it like a ranch? Is it like a meadow? Deer and antelope play there, and so does the team from Arlington, Texas. This team was the other Senators franchise, which came into existence when the first franchise became the Minnesota Twins. Anyway, Rangers is kind of ehh.

18. Toronto Blue Jays
Blue jays are nice birds. If you see a blue jay in your yard you're like OMG IT'S A BLUE JAY OMG EVERYONE LOOK IT'S SO VIBRANT. Good.

17. Baltimore Orioles
Baseball is full if franchises switching names back and forth. For instance, the Orioles were originally the Milwaukee Brewers. I actually think the Yankees were also the Baltimore Orioles before in their history. But anyway, it's a bird name. They're pretty harmless birds I guess. Nice colors. Sure.

16. St. Louis Cardinals
Cardinals are also great birds to see in the yard. This franchise's former name was the Brown Stockings. They shaped up and didn't make the same mistakes that the Red Sox and White Sox ended up making. Good going, Cardinals.

15. Colorado Rockies
Ehh, it's fine. It's local, but a bit forced. I don't really like the name in and of itself. I think of Rocky Balboa before the mountains.

14. New York Mets
Metropolitans! We're people from a big city, like New York! It's fine I guess.

13. Chicago Cubs
BABY BEARS OMG SO CUTE! How intimidating.

12. Miami Marlins
A marlin is just a swordfish, right? Yeah, it's fine. There are fish in the ocean, and Miami is near that.

11. San Francisco Giants
They had the same name as the New York football team, but this team came first. Giants are pretty intimidating. This is a cool name. We're giants! GIGANTIC! GIGANTIC!

10. Detroit Tigers
Standard pretty scary animal. The football team in Detroit is the Lions. Those are two of the big cats.

9. Pittsburgh Pirates
Charming! Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me! It's fine.

8. Oakland Athletics
Athletic is an adjective I guess. I think this comes from organizations like soccer teams that call themselves "Athletic Clubs" and stuff. I think this is a team name that's almost good. It's unique and a bit interesting, but not overly fascinating.

7. Kansas City Royals
When players in this organization languish on the AA Northwest Arkansas Naturals past the age of 30, do they sing that song by Lorde? Y'see? According to Wikipedia, this team was actually named the Royals because of a livestock show called the "American Royal" that is held in Kansas City. This is a cool name in a vacuum, and goes along with other Kansas City high-level sports team names (Chiefs, Monarchs were the Negro Leagues team, and the former NBA team in Kansas City was also called the Kings and Royals), but that other origin is just biggity Bs terrible.

6. Milwaukee Brewers
Milwaukee has a lot of brewers. They brew a lot of beer. Another nice local economy-themed name. Good overall.

5. Seattle Mariners
This is a nice, local reference to the Seattle economy. It's also a better name than synonyms such as the Seattle Sailors or the Seattle Seamen (jk that's the best one they could've chosen). I like it.

4. San Diego Padres
Franciscan friars founded San Diego in 1769. I could've sworn it was discovered by the Germans in 1904. Why this team isn't called the Vaginas von Walen is a mystery to me. Anyway, nice, local, and Catholic! We need more Catholic stuff on this blog no offense.

3. Houston Astros
Formerly the Houston Colt .45s, which is obviously a pretty unbelievable name that very obviously had to be changed. I love that name, but yeah, you can't keep it unfortunately. Astros is actually a pretty good name in itself. I assume it's because of the role that Houston plays with the space program. Considering the other names they could have chosen to go along with that (like idk the Spacemen, the Astronauts, the Galaxies, the Comets), Astros is pretty cool.

2. New York Yankees
Yeah, I was right. The Yankees were originally the Baltimore American League franchise, called the Orioles. They were the NY Highlanders for a bit, and then the Yankees starting in 1913. As much as it pains me to say it, Yankees is SUCH a sweet name. Historical, applicable, unique, kitschy, classic. Stupid Yankees. Way to pick such a sweet name, a-holes.

1. Minnesota Twins
This was one of the former Washington Senators/Nationals franchises. They moved to Minnesota, and the Twin Cities area to be specific, and so Twins is a pretty sweet name. It's sort of funny to think about facing a team made up entirely of twins. I like this name a lot.

1 comment:

  1. I actually think San Fran Giants should be downgraded because it allows guys like Berman to STILL say New York Football Giants.