Sunday, February 22, 2015

Hate Watching The Oscars

8:18 -- Welcome to the Whole 42 Oscars Live Blog. This is Jon and Sean will be here as well. As always I’ve seen almost no movies this year - Grand Budapest Hotel and Inherent Vice, along with Think Like a Man 2 (which got hosed!) - but I’m armed with many opinions. They will be uninformed. This will be a hate watch. Join us for it. JM


8:26 -- I generally like Neil Patrick Harris, but I’m worried that the Oscars will use his varied skills as a performer to turn this into a talent show where they talk about the soul of movies a lot. I’m told he’s great hosting the Tony’s but I’ve never watched the Tony’s. JM


8:30 -- I lost my how many seconds until NPH starts singing pool. 8 seconds not 12, damnnit! SP


8:31 -- Hey man, he did say one joke. JM


8:32 -- “Moving pictures take us over the rainbow of the field of our dreams.” SP


8:33 -- This is still better than when the Oscars decided to fete Chicago like 8 years after it won shit. OH SHIT JACK BLACK LOOKS OLD.


Isn’t television also moving pictures? JM



8:36 -- Sean, what was the best movie you saw this year and what do you think will win? JM


8:37 -- Selma was really good. But, probably Imitation Game. Birdman is going to win because it’s a movie about movies. Can’t get around that hot subject. SP


“She is the reincarnation of Audrey Hepburn.” Yeah that’s right, I’m watching with women. SP


8:39 -- I’m watching by myself and somewhat sober, which was an equally dumb idea.


I work in a jazz-adjacent field. Unsurprisingly most jazz musicians hate anything that brings mainstream attention to jazz. They’re like soccer fans in the ‘90s. JM


8:41 -- We are Farmer’s. Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum. SP

8:43 -- I actually just hung up on my mom ironically enough. She was talking to me about feeeeelings and I wasn’t about to have that. Nice speech by JK. JM


8:46 -- LIAM NEESONS AINT GOT NO STATUE THO


OH MY GOD HE’S WEARING A BLACK SUIT SHIRT AND TIE HE’S THE BADDEST MAN ON THE PLANET NEEEEEESONS. JM


8:48 -- American Sniper must be really good if Bradley Cooper can get away with that accent. SP


8:49 -- Oh fuck. Adam Levine is America’s worst pop star. Moms love him and I rest my case. JM


8:54 -- I want to make so much fun of you for saying jazz-adjacent field, but today I saw a silent movie in a theater. Buster Keaton up in that bitch. SP


8:56 -- Oh I don’t ever want to say that again. J-Lo’s boobs staying in that dress is an achievement in costume design. JM


8:57 -- How hard can costumes be in Grand Budapest Hotel when you’re just giving people Wes Anderson’s clothes (because he’s weird). SP


8:59 -- I’ve been saying it since the Golden Globes but I REALLY THINK BECK AND WES ANDERSON ARE THE SAME PERSON. JM


9:00 -- Reese won the award for Achievement in Makeup in her sorority all five years. SP


9:01 -- Think GBH just sweeps all these awards but doesn’t get the big guys, Sean? JM


9:01 -- Yeah, I never saw it but I can’t imagine it beats out any of the favorites. Also, double speech? GTFO. SP


9:02 -- Dick Smith was such a great makeup guy RIP. A real dicksmith.


Also Grand Budapest was really good. JM


9:03 -- Channing Tatum is a frontrunner for best neard. SP


9:04 -- What a goatse on that guy. JM


9:09 -- What’s he like 5’4? Fuck you for wearing heels Kidman. SP


9:12 -- This is legit pretty funny to not get played off. Props Poland. JM


9:12 -- That’s his last Oscar, but holy shit I’ve never heard someone just outlast the music. SP


9:13 -- Shirley looks like she’s bout to belt out Route 66 in a Minneapolis bar. JM


9:14 -- You make a movie over 12 years and it’s actually good, you should win (as long as there’s not a movie about movies). SP


9:17 -- oh wait I saw this too and it was actually really good. Year of Chris Pratt and all. JM


9:17 -- Samberg swore he wasn’t going to go back to the Oscar’s after he got snubbed for That’s My Boy, but the Lego Movie 3 was too good to pass up. SP


9:19 -- Was that Adam Scott doing batman? We need Wiig to show up and do some interpretive dance. JM


9:24 -- NPH’s jokes aren’t really landing all that well. Or good. I was really hoping he’d do his Harold and Kumar character. FAMILY LOVE MICHAEL. JM


9:25 -- We’re reaching that point where you realize there are at least 2 hours left. SP


9:27 -- Honestly missing the McCaughnessaince. We need that man to spice things up again. JM


9:27 -- You know the Oscars are for white people if Kevin Hart has to sit behind John Travolta. SP


9:29 -- Oh we got ourselves a flapper. Aint a real Oscars party til one woman thinks it’s the 20s. JM


9:31 -- ACTUALLY THEY TELL YOU ABOUT OTHER AWARDS SHOWS AT THE GRAMMYS TOO. JM


9:31 -- DAYYYYY-O, me say Dayyyyyy O. They got subtitles at the fake Oscars? Not bad. SP


9:33 -- Gwyneth sticking with her cake decoration costumes from year’s past. I’m hoping we get red velvet next year. JM


9:35 -- How many years until they get rid of the whole you have to hear five shitty live songs part of the Oscars? SP


9:37 -- I don’t get it. They give considerably more time to a song than to each Best Picture nominee. Also, this Tim McGraw song is TERRIBLE. Who is he not missing? I’m confused by the tone, by all of it.


Tim’s dad was Tug though and THERE’S YOUR MFING LINK TO SPORTS YALL.


"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf." - Tug McGraw, when asked for a preference of grass or Astroturf. What a legend. JM


9:37 -- Apparently he isn’t going to miss them because he has Alzheimer’s and won’t be able to remember. So yeah, you’re a horrible person Jon. This is like when Steve made fun of Ernie Johnson for being bald after chemo. SP


9:42 -- The next costume change will be when NPH shits himself after flexing too hard. SP


9:44 -- Oh ANOTHER another awards show to talk about. Wow. How engrossing. JM


9:44 -- Why do you get to drink at the JV Oscars and not these ones? SP


9:45 -- You get to drink at the Golden Globes which are basically the JV Oscars. You also get to drink if you’re in my apartment. Hello, rye whiskey. JM


9:45 -- Sound mixing better fucking be Interstellar. I don’t know what this category means, but still. SP


9:47 -- Think it has something to do with this (1:35 mark of this clip). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-M5G2nWP3xY JM


9:50 -- Eastwood likes working with these young guys. SP


9:51 -- Unleash that mane Leto. Fucking unleash it. JM


9:51 -- I’d hit it. Oh! SP


9:52 -- Yeah, Emma Stone was terrible. Also, not to be a Jewish mother but she’s so thin and pale, it’s terrifying. SP


9:55 -- Arquette wrote this out like a nerd. JM


9:55 -- Respect for throwing out your own website. Ecological sanitation.com. SP


9:56 -- MERYL SCREAMING YES OMG THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW PATRICIA DID THE DAMN THING. What if they had played her off, though and she had to yell about wage equality over the orchestra? JM


9:57 -- Kind of think she should stay in her lane. You’re not even Best Actress, you’re just a supporter lady. SP


9:59 -- Peeta from Hunger Games is the dark horse in Best Neard. Watch out Chan! SP


10:02 -- Gotta appeal to the young demo, get the next generation of visual effectors. SP


10:06 -- I will say it again. Kevin Hart got robbed for Think Like a Man 2. Seriously, though. How short if Kevin Hart? I know short and GOTDAM is he short. JM


10:06 -- Google says he’s 5’4’’, so….he’s your height. SP


10:07 -- I’m 5’7” bitch. Shocked Kevin didn’t bust out his reliably hilarious Charles Barkley impression (it’s terrible). JM


No one’s been dressed like super memorably badly yet. Only one trashed guy gave a speech. NPH is dragging. I’m pretty bored by all of this. JM


10:08 -- Yeah, pretty lame. The Rock is practicing for when he wins Best Supporting Actor for Furious 7. SP


10:09 -- He’s just going by Dwayne now! We’ve been over this! I’m so excited for Furious 7. JM


10:10 -- I missed Big Heros 1-5. SP


10:12 -- was hoping the rock would people’s elbow them off the stage come on guys.




10:14 -- Everyone on the blog knows the best jokes are the ones that everyone thinks of and says at the same time. SP


10:17 -- Over an hour left. Still with the boring shit. JM


10:17 -- Don’t worry they won’t sprint through all of the potentially good stuff in order to finish before midnight. SP


10:18 -- oh man if they played the president off during this speech I would die. Still can’t believe people went to the mats for The Interview. That movie blew.JM


10:18 -- Condoleeza Rice looks good. SP


10:23 -- Next James Bond right there with any luck. #TeamIdris. JM


10:23 -- Always forget ‘Dris is British. Also, NPH has no material other than he’s in bad movies. SP


10:24 -- Stringer is the worst person in The Wire. Thinks he’s smarter than he is, doesn’t follow the Sunday truce, narcs to try and save his ass. Discuss. JM

10:24 -- There are so many annoying little plots though, including two whole seasons. So Stringer Bell is probably overrated but by far not the worst. SP



10:26 -- Not talking like worst drawn character, just worst. It’s him or Marlowe but Marlowe has a code, even if it’s just about money. We’re getting off topic. JM


10:27 -- Yeah, I blame you for just finishing The Wire. SP


10:28 -- I move at my own pace. I’m just about to start Breaking Bad as soon as I finish hate-rewatching the West Wing. That show does not hold up. JM


10:29 -- I’m thankful that ABC has no good shows and doesn’t try to promote their shit during the Oscars. SP


10:31 -- Who’s getting the anchor spot? PSH? Was he this year? JM


10:31 -- I think it was over a year ago. I’m going Robin Williams. SP


Shirley Temple?


10:31 -- Oh, duh. Meryl just acted the shit out of that. I’m all sad now.


Maya Angelou got hosed, too. RIP Maya. JM


10:32 -- Some family somewhere is pissed their dead relative got snubbed. SP


10:34 -- RIP #dicksmith. Great name, buddy. JM


10:35 -- A song about death? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. SP


10:36 -- Babs sang the song in this position last year, so this is better by default. JM

10:40 -- The first two hours of the Oscars are fucking painful. Especially this year when there was no uncertainty about who would win the Supporting categories. SP


10:45 -- Congratulations, you wrote and directed an Oscar-nominated movie, now go sit in the far far corner, don’t worry the camera will find you. SP


10:46 -- Terrence starring with TARAJI in Empire rn. Haven’t seen it but I’m sure it’s great. JM


10:47 -- Apparently, he’s the Bill Cosby of beating up women. Soooooo. http://defamer.gawker.com/the-six-times-terrence-howard-has-been-accused-of-beati-1121955457.


10:48 -- Oh. Well. Uh. Shit. I retract my earlier Terrence Howard opinions. JM


10:49 -- Dayum, Jen. JM


10:51 -- You can tell by the awkwardness that we’re still in the lame awards. But getting closer! SP


10:52 -- Glenn Greenwald got a statue before Leo Dicaprio y’all. JM


10:57 -- The seat filler gag is… not great. JM


10:57 -- You postpone the awards for Martin Luther King 47 years ago you definitely don’t have to give Selma the Oscar. SP


10:58 -- It’s reverse racism I think.


I think John Legend is just okay. #hottake JM


10:58 -- It’s strange to rap in a tuxedo. SP


11:00 -- I can’t tell if this is exploitative and weird and kind of sad or not. I’m leaning toward yes. JM


11:01 -- Serena is thinking about what she used to have. #onceyougoblack. SP


11:02 -- Less impressive to see them cry when you remember they are actors and can do it on cue. SP


11:02 -- A room of almost entirely white people standing and applauding themselves for being so progressive on the night when Selma’s gonna get screwed. Great. JM


11:03 -- Nothing like a reference to what just happened. Also, Travolta is super fucking creepy. SP


11:04 -- Not doing a great job of acting straight. JM


11:05 -- My mom’s “joke” is that the sequel should be “Everything is Awesome Sauce.” SP


11:05 -- I think your mom’s jokes are better than ours, to be fair.


That’s ya reparations, Glory. John Stephens and Lonnie Lynn. I DIDN’T KNOW THEIR REAL NAMES AT ALL. JM


11:06 -- Kanye called him John Legend once because he was going to be Legendary. True origin story. SP


11:07 -- NPH gotta bust out a classic Legend… wait for it… ary. Joke. JM


11:08 -- People not sure whether to clap when Black guys say real things is great. JM


11:08 -- I was a little nervous there wouldn’t be any more music but don’t worry Lady Gaga is coming up. SP


11:13 -- Julie Andrews losing her voice completely is one of the great crimes of this past half-century. She’s a perfect singer. (I’m not being sarcastic, she’s amazing). JM


11:14 -- I’ve never seen The Sound of Music. /ducks. SP


11:14 -- I haven’t since I was about 6. I remember it was so long you needed 2 VHS tapes. JM


11:15 -- Anytime it’s almost fifty years after a good movie came out you need a musical interlude. SP


11:18 -- Oh God it’s a whole medley. We still have both screenwriting awards, director, the actor and picture left. This is gonna go for a while.JM


11:18 -- And best actress. But no, worth it to help Lady Gaga rebrand herself and promote a movie from th 60s.


11:19 -- NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS CHOIRS. JM


11:20 -- Julie Andrews should be what Meryl Streep now is. #hottakes JM


11:20 -- Two earnest things about Julia Andrews. JFC Muchin lay off the booze. SP


11:21 -- I’m tapering, guys. JM


11:22 -- Interstellar better fucking win. That movie was bad but the score was There Will Be Blood levels of nuts. SP


11:29 -- 80% of his box office comes from Shrek. SP


11:29 -- Bill Simmons about to write 8,000 words about this. JM




11:32 -- Nothing better than giving a dog a human name. SP


11:34 -- And you get a car, and you get a car, and look under your chair you get a car!!! SP


11:38 -- Lotta good speeches this year, somehow. Probably the only memorable thing about this shit. JM


11:39 -- Yeah...you know it’s a good speech if we don’t have something snarky to say. SP


11:40 -- I mean I want an alright, alright, alriiiiight but I just ain’t getting that tonight. JM


11:41 -- Ben Affleck stop being so serious, you were fucking Daredevil. SP


11:42 -- YO IS LARRY THE DOG GETTING THANKED AGAIN? JM


11:42 -- Having a foreign accent just let that guy say smells like balls on TV. SP


11:44 -- Linklater just didn’t want it enough. SP


11:48 -- Nothing will top Carell screaming “Gah, Kelly Clarkson” when he’s actually having his chest waxed. JM


11:49 -- Benedict Cumberbatch was so fucking good. SP


11:50 -- He’s really a real person? I just thought he was an amalgam of Britishisms. JM


11:51 -- Kind of makes up for him getting passed over during the Harry Potter casting. SP


11:52 -- Kinda think Lou Gehrig deserves this award. JM


11:53 -- Marion Cotilliard looks like the boss from Workaholics when she has short hair. SP


11:55 -- Mixed with Katy Perry a little bit. JM


11:56 -- It’s not the Oscars without a top award going for something no one saw that was serious and super depressing. SP


11:59 -- Forgettable speech? JM


11:59 -- Go home, you’re drunk. SP


12:01 -- This is awkwarddddddddd. SP


12:02 -- NPH is really into magic. That’s what this bit is. JM


12:03 -- It’s your namesake, buddy! He still thinks Jude Law is great. JM


12:03 -- My money is on Birdman or. SP


12:05 -- Congrats, Birdman. Congrats, Oscars. I’m tired and kinda drunk. This show was eh. Bedtime for Muchin. JM

12:05 -- Till next year. SP.

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