Friday, February 13, 2015

Ranking the Federal Holidays

There are ten Federal Holidays (suck it Earth Day), lucky folks get all of these days off. But in the spirit of our important ranking series, we'll tell you scientifically which holidays are the best.

10. Veterans Day--If I hadn't seen it on the list that I used, there's about a 30% chance I'd have gotten its month wrong (it's in November). Most people don't get this day off. It'd be better if say, Halloween took its place or the Monday after the Super Bowl (until football is no longer a thing).

9. MLK Day--True story, growing up in Virginia this was called Lee/King/Jackson day. That's right, two Virginians, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, and the Godfather of Soul. I'm pretty sure it's not a thing any longer in Virginia, but I'm sure that's not true in other Southern states. The point is that you know it's a weak holiday when co-honorees get tacked on. Also, it's not that far from the Christmas/New Years days off so you don't really need a three-day weekend.

8. Columbus Day--First of all, Columbus wasn't even an America. Ppl forget that. Second of all, there's fucking controversy over this holiday. Nothing says a great holiday like different groups screaming at each other. Also, it's a holiday that a lot of people don't get off and it's not exactly the time of year to be going on a sweet three-day weekend trip.

7. Washington's Birthday--That's technically what the Federal government calls President's Day. Lincoln's birthday is around this time too, so maybe they are just lumped together. True story, I went to Mount Vernon recently and it turns out that Washington thought his birthday was about a week earlier his whole life. Then they switched to a more accurate calendar. So sweet holiday, it's in February (the 10th best month) and not even on the day that Washington thought he was born on.

6. New Year's Day--A necessary holiday if you're trying to make people stay up until midnight because of social pressure. Even odds that I don't make it to midnight some year before I turn 30. I hate myself. I guess there's college football and shopping on this day traditionally. But it's not super festive to be hungover and listening to people's stupid resolutions.

5. Memorial Day--A three-day weekend kicks off the summer, pretty good. The problem is like what do you do on this holiday? It's not really celebrating anything fun. It doesn't even have a cool tradition or anything. It's more like sweet I've got a three-day weekend better do something fun.

4. Labor Day--Same idea as Memorial Day. Nice time to have a day off but first of all, hilarious that we are celebrating Labor since unions and shit are basically not a thing anymore in the private sector. It's probably the holiday hanging on the dearest unless the PC police get to Columbus Day. Bonus points for being in the best month of the year.

3. Thanksgiving--The backstory of this holiday is god awful. It's not even funny to bring up, (well a little). Also, adults going around and talking about what they are thankful for is super lame. Thanksgiving brings the worst traffic of the entire year. I once went 5 miles on the Jersey Turnpike in five hours, to get to the Newark bus station to take a bus to DC. I'm thankful for not being shivved! It's got a lot of family time which is kind of just stressful for everyone. Minus points for being a holiday where no one travels somewhere nice and warm.

2. Independence Day--Thomas Jefferson didn't write this shit for you assholes to think Thanksgiving is better. First of all, there's a movie named after it so you know it's a good holiday. Labor Day is also a movie it turns out with Kate Winslet and Josh Brolin. Must have missed that one in theaters. July 4th is fucking awesome though. The tradition is eating a lot, drinking outside, going to the beach, and then watching things blow up. It's also the one day of the year where you can be unabashedly patriotic. Pretty much the only acceptable time to chant USA-USA-USA unironically.

1. Christmas--Obviously it's the best holiday. If anyone tries to compare Hanukkah to Christmas just slap them in their damn mouth. It's fun for eight nights! Nooooooooooooooooo. Christmas is so awesome it makes the morning good. Seriously the ranking of mornings goes 1. Christmas, 32940239242. All other mornings.

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