Friday, March 6, 2015

Deadspin Sucks Now: Bad Writers Are Bad

Turner Can Probably Stop Running This March Madness Promo
Pretty violent, no? No actually.

Recently I stopped visiting Deadspin, a blog that I used to read literally every day, because it's just not worth reading anymore. The site is now completely dominated by snarky young dudes who think they're funny but are actually very annoying (kind of like this blog!), and there's nothing aside from Big Daddy Drew that I find redeeming. Video/Assignment Editor Timothy Burke's recent escapades provide a good example of just how far this blog, which was the best sports blog around as recently as a couple of years ago, has fallen.

Yesterday (March 5), Timothy hit us with this post titled "Turner Can Probably Stop Running This March Madness Promo," along with the gif seen above and no other text. When I looked at this, I really was not sure why they had posted it. Kenny Smith deflating a basketball in a fake angry fashion did not seem offensive to me. So I went down to the comments section for some context. Here is a screen shot of what I saw:

LOOK AT HOW LAME THAT IS. That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard for thinking one guy is in fact another guy. It's violent? To squish a basketball? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

And just for some clarification, here's the screen shot of the post's tags:

There it is, clear as day. FILE THIS ONE UNDER GREG ANTHONY!

If that wasn't bad enough, Burke posted this later. It looks like a player is being arrested but he isn't. So the title "Screencap Classix: This Actually Happened In The Middle Of A Game" is super misleading. Oh, a fight actually happened and a security guard shooed players away? WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

This is only the tip of the iceberg. Most of Deadspin's writers are generally annoying nowadays. I scroll through Deadspin's headlines on Twitter and roll my eyes on a daily basis. Here are some headlines and excerpts from each annoying writer:

Billy Haisley: 

Yawn: Just Another Unbelievable Messi Pass For Neymar To Chip Home ("Yawn" is a funny headline LOL)

"This is a picture of Prince. In middle school. In his middle school basketball team's uniform. Because he was on the team." (Prince is a person who went to school and played sports at the school and if you say those things normally it's funny for some reason.)

Kyle Wagner: 

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat, Take A Look At This Goddamned 7-Foot Chinese Boxer (THIS IS A HEADLINE)

Samer Kalaf: 

When Did Gordon Hayward Turn Into A Doe-Eyed Channing Tatum? (This is a story about the best player on an NBA team and shows that Deadspin doesn't know what he looks like. Don't worry, it's just a sports blog)

Greg Howard:

Oh My God Oh My God I Think Russell Westbrook Could Beat Up My Dad (This was a 1200-word piece about how Russell durable? Athletic? Mad at people? Not sure)

Prince of The Worst Tom Ley (whom we've covered):
These Gruesome Hockey Injuries Are Very Bad; Hockey Is Bad (Injuries are bad; semicolons are funny)
Which One Of You Assholes Stole Serge Ibaka's Water????? (Another example of funny punctuation)

​Kendrick Perkins Had A Very Kendrick Perkins Game (These guys are the kings of using names as adjectives that mean literally whatever they want them to mean)

Damn, Man, Tim Howard Is Having One Sad-Ass Season (Seems like this would have had the same effect without the "Damn, Man" except it would've been less annoying)

King of The Worst Albert Burneko OMG:

J.J. Watt Is A Goddamn Lying Clownfraud (I made up a word!)

Anthony Mason Was From The Future (RIP of course, but he was like...a regular, decent player)

Uh, Guys? I Think The Wizards Forgot To Fire Randy Wittman? (ADDRESS PEOPLE WHO AREN'T THERE AGAIN, I DARE YOU)
At Long Last The 76ers Accept That, Yes, It's Finally Time To Rebuild (This should have said At The Very Longest Last, After Many Inglorious Ages, The 76ers Have Come To Terms With The Inexorable Fact That, And I Say This With Full Knowledge That It Was Difficult For Them To Come To This Realization, Yes, Indeed, It's Finally Time, Now, In 2015, Today, To Rebuild Their Basketball Team That Is Bad At Basketball)
Also, reading any of his recipes is enough to make your blood boil. Here's one of literally hundreds of examples of annoying BS that came from one of his recipes. It's for a recipe for roasted mushrooms (titled How To Roast Mushrooms: A Guide For Reformed Fraidycats) that is literally 1796 words long:
Right now, out there among us, holding down actual jobs at which actual other people actually depend upon them, are physically mature individuals—adults, nominally and externally—who cringe at the sight of mushrooms like big, gross babies. Perhaps you know one of them. Perhaps you are one of them! I shudder to think of it, the way I do at the thought of sharing the world with murderers, or Dinesh D'Souza, or St. Louis Cardinals fans.
By rights, this state of affairs should horrify the rest of us; that we have suffered these sad wieners to live and live among us and thrive is a moral failure. That we have not brought these fools forth into the light of mushroom enjoyment is the shame of mankind. I ask you—you! right there! reading this now with your finger in your nose! Steve or whatever!—what have you done to repair this great dereliction? Nothing? Probably nothing. Dammit, Steve or whatever.
Listen. Mushrooms are wonderful. They're complex and diverse and exciting; they're meaty and earthy and rich in umami, the magical fifth flavor; they smell great and taste even better and they go with damn near anything—and, they're at their absolute best right now, this minute, in the last days of this soggy, gray stretch before the weather turns real-deal cold. This is the time for shedding the fear of mushrooms—for shedding your own shameful fear, or the fear of the mushroom-fearing overgrown toddler you love for whatever reason.
Oh. My. Gooby. That's unbearable. This, by the way, constitutes only 3 paragraphs of a 13-paragraph, 900-word INTRODUCTION to a recipe for ROASTED MUSHROOMS. The fact that he used the name Steve only makes me hate this more.
I'm not reading Deadspin anymore. It's all this crap. It's all terrible, annoying jokes and just bad writing. Thank God for 

1 comment:

  1. I think we need to go further than this article. Bad writers are one thing but a site that specifically pursues ignorant and subjective ideas needs to be hit harder.