I'm not a guy who watches shows. I've never seen The Wire (shut up omg shut up I know it's great shut up I know I'd love it shut up). I basically live on Seinfeld and Family Guy reruns and sports for my TV watching. But recently, I've begun watching Kroll Show on Comedy Central for a really random reason: in a promo for the show's final season a few months ago, one of the characters from the show pronounced something weird, and that made it seem like a show I'd be interested in. I looked it up online and realized that I loved it. And then it ended.
The show is a bit hard to explain, but I'll try: it's a sketch comedy show that basically parodies reality TV (mostly), with Kroll's characters being stars of reality TV shows which get spinoffs of spinoffs of spinoffs, and that intersect with each other, and other stuff happens, and I did a terrible job of explaining this. Check out the show for yourself. It's great.
A million characters appeared on Kroll Show, and I'm here to rank them. I'm only going to be doing characters who appeared on more than one episode of Kroll Show, and who were actually actively funny. This leaves off great guest stars like Nathan Fielder, Pete Holmes and Aziz Ansari, but if I get into that, it'll be too much. I'm just gonna name the characters and say my favorite quote from each. I've done this before. This is gonna be ameezeen.
38. Tim/Steve (Steve Dildarian): "I overstated it."
37. Roman Armond (Andy Milonakis): "That bitch was whack. Y'know, rest in peace."
36. Cassandra (Sarah Dampf): "Go big or go home!"
35. Fabrice Fabrice (Nick Kroll): "GET THAT CRAB OUTTA MY CAB!"
34. Nash Rickey (Nick Kroll): The LA Deli video/song is pretty spot on. Otherwise, not much.
33. Dr. Neuringer (Megan Neuringer): "No he died of...AIDS."
32. Spencer (Adam Pally): "HEY GERIN! THEY HAVE THE BAKED ONES! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!"
31. R. Schrift (Nick Kroll): "Stay."
30. San Diego Diet guy (Nick Kroll): "And now we live in the integrated society that we bless our country with today."
29. Ref Jeff (Nick Kroll): "HEY DOODIE HEAD GET OFF THE COURT"
28. Shannon (Tess Broussard): "When I tell you I'm hungry, you always bring me food/And you never make me touch you when I'm not in the mood"
26. Maureen (Jenny Slate): "I gotta go push out this little squirrel."
25. Ron Funches (Ron Funches): "You look like a highlighter."
24. Eagle Wing (Jason Mantzoukas): "I think we've heard enough. You embody all of the attributes that it takes to be a gigolo. She is beautiful. She is intelligent. And she is good to go sexually."
23. Ruth Diamond Phillips (Jenny Slate): "'Shut up' he probably said, who knows?"
22. Aspen Bruckheimer (Nick Kroll): "I love story. But then I'm also like, I love character." This whole conversation with himself is the definition of spot-on.
21. Kelsey Grammer (Jon Daly): "Frasier was a real watershed moment for me, and by the end, I was making $400,000 per episode. Of course, I took a pay cut for boss as I deemed it an artistic challenge. And this is all in the future."
20. Murph (Nick Kroll): "CRAP!"
19. Deb (Pawnsylvania) (Brigid Ryan): "Nawt in my hahss. Nawt in my tahn."
18. Theresa (Pawnsylvania) (Christine Nangle): "He's got me feelin' so low like I'm Tom Hanks walkin' 'round Rittenhouse Square wit AIDS."
17. Don (Pawnsylvania) (Jon Daly): "It's like the Monongahela and the Allegheny forming on your upper lip to make the Ohio."
16. Niece Denise (Jenny Slate): "Exactly, my aunt Elizabeth invited me to visit her and so I did."
15. Peter Paparazzo (Jon Daly): "You'll be fired from being a whore...and instead have to pursue a career in architecture?"
14. Bob Ducca (Seth Morris): "I was thrashed."
13. European guy (Nick Kroll): "A former classmate from university who you've had an obsession with for one-half, two-half decades."
12. Larry Bird (Nick Kroll): "Come on Larry you lazy bum you good-for-nothin' never did anything in your life. Why don't you go and do somethin' with yerself insteada just sittin' around and bein' a lazy bean."
11. C-Czar (Nick Kroll): "I just shot up your deal so you can't ruin another boy's life."
10. Wendy Shawn (Jon Daly): "Grampa Goobie is basically a vegetable, okay? He's a piece of broccolini, like he's about to dar."
9. Bobby Bottleservice (Nick Kroll): "I'm gonna put together the most amazing wedding you'd ever imagine in your life, which is how I imagine my marriage to be to the only woman I've ever loved, my mother."
Also, "That's impossible, the church has never been stronger."
8. Brian LaCroix/Mikey (Nick Kroll): "OW, MY CALF MUSCLE, YOU BASHED IT!"
Also, "I put a squid in my exit."
7. Farley (Chelsea Peretti): "Ruth was the perfect candidate to come get a makeover 'cause she look'ded disgusting."
6. Coach Teacher/Gene Creemers (Jon Daly): "Get Out!" and "An excellent retort from Mikey to our classroom's finest bully: Zachary."
5. George St. Geegland (John Mulaney): "You're dumb as a dog."
4. Pretty Liz (Jenny Slate): "The father of the baby is a toilet baby, C-Czar, and like I don't care who knows that, except for like most of the people that I know, like I don't want them to know, 'cause I'm like horrified by it and like very embarrassed."
Also: "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I could, I could perform, then. I could do it. I could actually just complete the performance, I could do it, I could perform."
3. Dr. Armond (Nick Kroll): So many. "Guilty. Of loving my wife."
"Oh there she is. Wow. She looks amazing. Here she comes."
2. Gil Faizon (Nick Kroll): "Gotta eat breakfast, lunch and dinnah, don'tcha?"
1. Big Liz (Nick Kroll): There are way WAY too many but I'll go with this one: "OMG, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you could get pregnant from a guy BLASTING on your stomach." And that whole scene.
Okay one more: "Looking at this sweet, lost little girl just like made my mothering instincts just like KICK IN."
I went back and forth between PubLIZity and Oh, Hello/Too Much Tuna a bunch, but I think you get the most bang for your buck with Big Liz. Other Kroll Show fans, what do you think? Are you out there?